happytulip's blog

Nightly mist settles lightly on the bumpy back of a Frog.  It is cold and soft and causes the Frog to jump forward in fright.  None too gently, the Frog lands on a brittle maple leaf.  The leaf crumbles under the Frog’s unexpected weight.  The crack of the leaf sounds intense, just like the Soprano’s sudden high note that will not sooth the Grand Duke Ferdinand’s eardrums.

Ferdinand will stand up, horrified at the searing earache he shall be experiencing, and will stumble down the stairs from his private box high above the stage.  He is going to stalk haughtily out of the Theatre and tell a stagecoach driver to hurry him to his hotel.  The lights of the Theatre will fade into the night just like the sun set that evening on the beach in Florida.

I was digging a hole and listening to the calming roar of the waves twenty feet away.  When the hole became slightly deeper, as did the night, I glanced up at the calm waters of the Gulf of Mexico.  A little ways out in the water, something attracted my attention.  And then, whoosh!  Up into the air went the Dolphin, doing a full flip before smacking the surface and submerging.  It was…well…  I can’t describe it exactly, but it was something like the embodiment of wonder frolicking right in front of me…  I lay back contently in the sand, and fell into a deep slumber like that of the Brown Bear hibernating in Her humble den.  Read more »

Walking along the beach…

Over the hard, rough stones…

Looking out upon the ocean…

Watching the mist roll in…

Seeing the tide ebb away…

Laughing at my uncle’s jokes…

Getting soaked by cold rain…

Gazing up at ancient trees…

Hearing Seagull’s hoarse call…

Picking up rounded rocks…

Seeing a stream empty into sea…

Smelling the scents of rotting fish…

Ah, bittersweet Alaska.

Number one, I’d wish for world peace and all humans to work as a team.

Number two, I’d save the environment and have the whole planet go green.

Number three, while we’re at it, I’d wish for infinite Ice Cream.

“So i was like talking to her, and all the sudden Mia walks up behind me, and she’s like, ‘take this you idiot,’ and she slaps me, and i’m all, ‘what the heck?’ but she just like walks away, and”….  My text conversation goes on and on, blissfully pointless, but strangely satisfying.  I always say that friends are better through a phone, and I live like it.  I hardly ever see my best friend anymore, because I don’t need to.  She’s right there in my pocket.  Today my mom said I should get outside, so now I’m walking around downtown, with my eyes glued to the mesmerizing glow of my phone, which I hold reverently, like it’s a holy artifact.  My thumbs hammer away, sending every little thought I have out to my bff.  Actually, I can’t even quite remember what she looks like.  I think she’s blond… no, wait; maybe she has brown hair…whatever.  I don’t really care.  As long as she keeps up the texts, it doesn’t matter.  I find myself wandering up Main Street, and crossing it without looking up.  In the background, I hear some honking and the screech of tires.  Whatever.  I walk into the mall, and wander through the crowds. Read more »

Read more »

The ambush came when we least expected it.  You usually think of ambushes coming in the still of night, or in a gloomy, forbidding forest.  Ours came at high noon, in the middle of a bright, busy marketplace, just after we had stopped for our best fighter to go to the bathroom in a nearby tavern called The Lazy Cat.  Well trained assassins wearing the red outfit and white emblazoned thunderbolt of the High Council popped out from under stalls, jumped out from the windows of buildings, or clambered out of wagons full of hay that they had been hiding in.  Some of the townsfolk pulled back hoods and withdrew their concealed swords.  They all converged on our small party, and engaged our bewildered and unprepared guards.  We were outmatched and outnumbered, and soon it became apparent that we were the losing side.  I, being small, had escaped notice, and had sprinted away from the fight and hidden behind the crowd of frightened citizens, who had backed away and formed a wide circle around the melee.  My mother, the rightful Queen, was quickly captured, bound, and dragged kicking into a waiting carriage.  I stifled a sob and sank to flagstones.  Our soldiers also deflated upon seeing their Queen taken, and were all subdued.   While the enemy was still hauling our guards into another carriage, I made myself get up and run over to the Lazy Cat.  I flung open the well-worn door and came face to face with Tork, our best soldier.  He greeted me respectfully, then glanced past and gasped, seeing the red-clad assa Read more »

This is the funniest story I’ve ever heard, but that is saying not much, because I was isolated since birth.  You have heard maybe of the tribes in Brazil that know not of the world outside… the NEW world?  And you have maybe seen a picture of the tribe people staring up in awe at the picture maker?  Well I am the handsome tall one near the middle of the picture. 

So back to the funny story I heard.  I guess there is this weird place called Amercia or some such name, and it is very big.  And in Amercia, people have jobs, which are things they do to get little bits of paper.  But that is only a small part of it.  There is, I guess, a big thing in Amercia called Walmert, and lots and lots and lots of people work very hard there for a very small amount of paper bits.  But then there are just a couple of people who own this Walmert, and these people get billions of paper bits just for putting their names on things and hitting little white balls into holes with sticks. Heheheeheheheheh.  But it gets even BETTER!  Bigger than Walmert is a thing called Guvermint.  Guvermint makes the people who work very hard give a lot of their paper to them for Taskses, but they only make the white-ball-hitting Walmert people give them a little of their huge piles of paper.  Teeheeeheeheeheeheesnortaaaahahahahahahah!!!! That is the funniest (gaspteeheehee) story I have ever heard.  I don’t (teeheegasphohoho) believe it though.  Too (hoohohohogasphoheehee) ridiculous.     Read more »

I tripped on the steps on the way out to feed the chickens.  I had just woken up and I was still kind of a little bit sleepy.  And yes, we do have chickens, and no, we don’t live on a farm.  We just have chickens.  Anyway, after the chickens were squawking and fighting each other for the food, I looked up into the sky.  Cold, blue, pretty, exactly the way it should be on a day like today, I thought.  Then, when I looked back down, I noticed a shiny purple thing lying in the grass.  I picked it up.  It looked like… an egg.  Weird.  It hadn’t been there yesterday.  I frowned for a moment, puzzled, and then realized what it was.  I grinned and stuck it in the pocket of my pajamas.  It was Sunday, so I hadn’t needed to get on real clothes yet.  I started to open the back door, but then stopped.  I had thought of something.  Maybe there was more.  I ran back into the yard.  At first I didn’t see anything, but then I began noticing things.  In the bushes.  In the trees.  Under leaves.  Hiding behind bits of grass.  Perched precariously on a garden gnome’s prominent nose.  They were everywhere.  I ran excitedly through the yard, grabbing them from wherever they were hiding and stuffing them into my pockets.  Some were red, some green, some blue, but most were purple.  When I thought I’d found them all, I went inside with my shoes soaked from the dew.  I laid all my finds on the kitchen table in a shining heap. Read more »

So, like, in Mrs. Batrom's class, we're supposed to, like, write a story about something cool that happened to me, but I, like, never have anything cool happen to me, so, I'm, like, screwed.  Seriously, the biggest trip I've ever been on was, like, a sleep over to my friend's house across the street.  I, like, totally live the dull life.  But, like, I really want to get an A on this, so here goes the most interesting thing that ever happened to me.     Read more »

I was once a pet, loved and nurtured and pampered. My dear owner had found me one day, oozing happily along the floor of their kitchen. She had called her mother, who ran in, screamed, and raised up her foot to stomp me flat. My soon-to-be owner shrieked and pushed her mother sideways so her homicidal foot missed me, and then scooped me up and ran to her room. I have loved her ever since. Her mother thought me revolting, but my owner pretended to throw me out, and then kept me in secrecy. She fed me, petted me, kissed me, and spent long hours talking to me. I loved her. Then their family came upon hard times, and they decided to move to America. It was a magical place, America. The land of plenty, the land of prosperity, the land of freedom. How I hate it. My owner smuggled me into her old tattered suitcase, and on May 5th, 1885, we boarded a boat that would take us from the old country, Spain, to America. At first it was a pleasant enough journey, but on the first night, I felt the large ship rocking and rolling in the rough seas. At around midnight, I heard an awful screech and then a huge clunk, and then silence. Soon after, that silence was broken by the wailing of an emergency alarm bell. After a minute, my owner, my dear, dear owner threw open the trunk and, crying, told me that the ship was sinking. She meant it, to, for I saw a few feet of salty water splashing around the floor, and more coming in through the door. She told me she loved me, and that she would never forget me, and that she thought I was the best friend she ever had. Read more »

I wait, dreaming of the moment you arrive. I hold you in my arms and swing you around. We sit together and I talk, and you listen. I couldn’t live without you.

But still you have not arrived. I pace the room, waiting, waiting. I want you so bad.

Finally, a car in the driveway. I swoop down the stairs, out the back door and to the car. I hug you, and bring you inside. We sit at the kitchen table. I look at you. So beautiful. We sit for a long time. Finally I say, "I’m glad you’ve arrived, my dear."

You look back at me, pretty as can be. I say, "Oh, forget it,I can’t wait any longer!"

And it’s true, I can’t.
I look at you for another moment. Then, I unscrew you, mix you up, and eat you. All of you. Till all that’s left is your jar.
I love you. You are the best peanut butter in existence. "Thanks mom!" I yell as she comes in, carrying the rest of the groceries.

"You’re welcome," she replies, glancing at me. "What? You ate that whole jar of peanut butter just now? Now we’re all out again. You really have to learn to pace yourself."
"You’re right, mom," I say. "It’s just, I really love peanut butter. I literally couldn’t live without it."

The year before last, when I was a beginning skier, I got a season’s pass to Mad River Glen.  Now, back then, I was about as good at flying as I was at skiing.  Also, I thought I was wicked good at it. 

So one day in early January, I drove down to Mad River, got on all my stuff, and took a lift all the way up the mountain.  It was snowing heavily, and already two feet of powder lay thick on the frozen ground.  Let me remind you, at the time, I thought I was like the Pele of skiing, so it seemed natural to take the hardest slope.  Read more »

What would've happened if I hadn't worn these socks?

Would reality be different?

Would the whole world be at peace?

Would all people be kind to others?

Would all wars and fighting cease?

Would we treat animals like our brothers?

That would all be nice, but what if

Because of my socks, the world was in turmoil?

Would the planet be at war?

Maybe we’d pollute ourselves into extinction!

Would the Apocalypse come like in lore?

Would the oceans rise and sink us?

Earth could have been so awful,

Or so nice, but come what may!

I just know I’ll never look

at my socks the same after today.

Once there was a little girl named Lily.  She loved thanksgiving. 

She ate so much each thanksgiving that afterward, she was so sick of food that she wouldn’t eat for days, even though she got very hungry, which was silly, because everyone knows that you can’t just not eat for a long time, because you would not have any energy, and you would flop onto the couch and not be able to get up because you are too hungry; and you would probably die, which is inconvenient for everyone, especially yourself and the funeral home, because who wants to see your ugly dead face staring at them for hours, and then your whole family would get all sad and start crying (even your poor little dog would cry, even though it’s not biologically possible); and that would result in them losing water and getting dehydrated, and nobody wants their family dehydrated because of them , and oh gosh, I just realized how much of a run on sentence this is, and how extremely bad it sounds, and…. Aaauugh!!!!!!

Then she decided she didn’t. 

The End

One day, on the way home from his dull job, Bob was stuck in traffic.  Not like ‘a couple of cars backed up’ traffic, like ‘blocked for miles, not going anywhere, road rage inducing, wearisomely boring’ traffic.

As he sat in his car, getting more and more annoyed, he looked up into the cloudy afternoon sky, and asked,

“Why is there so much traffic!!??”

There was a pause, quiet except for the idling car engines in front and behind.  Then a rich, melodious voice coming from all around Bob answered,

“Congratulations, Randomly Chosen Asker of Arbitrary Questions!  You have been selected to get the answer to your inquiry!  This is a once in a life-time experience, so treasure it, and remember the answer always; it will guide you through life with a wise and knowing hand.  Here is your answer.  There is an excessive use of cars, which leads to having too many of them in too small an area.  Plus, there are many people whose jobs are an hour away from their houses, so they must all drive the same way at the same time.  Also, a drunken guy rear-ended a car on the corner of North and Main.”

“Oh my god, are you God?”  Bob cried, glancing wildly around him. “Wait, that sounded really stupid.”

  Read more »

I'm wet.  I'm cold.  My nose is running.  My gloves are covered in ice.  Night is falling.  My mom is calling.  My friends are leaving.  I'm probably getting hypothermia.

But it's winter!!!!!!!!  Ha ha!!!

I jump on my sled for one last run down the slope. 

On a wide and noisy battlefield,

Rectangular, not square,

Two great armies met at last,

Battle music in the air.

Ranks and ranks of black-clad soldiers,

Much taller than their foes,

Fought their white-garbed enemies,

In twos and threes, in rows.

Above the battle, a great god sat,

Orchestrating the fierce fight,

The god enjoyed war's music,

And listened through the night.

Where the god's quick fingers touched,

A sound, bass to soprano,

Rose from the tuneful raging,

Of the battling piano.

dear  i. m. grate,

Im  such a big fan of yours, u r awsome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve seen all your movies, and I love them!!!!!!!!!!!

pleeez write back!!!!!!

~ a huge fan

To “a huge fan,”

Here I am, writing to you!  Yes, you!  You have the pleasure of being written to by the best man in the world, ME.  You should consider yourself, little fan, incredibly lucky.  Often I am too busy with my amazingly hard, strenuous job to bother myself with inconsequential people like you.  And guess what.  I am even going to be so generous as to sign, yes, SIGN this letter.

Keep on adoring me!

-I M Grate

dear i. m. grate,

OMG u actually responded! 

Thank u!  i’ll keep your signature 4 ever!  It means so much 2 me!

~a huge fan

To “a huge fan,” Read more »

You can fly if you know you can

You can do anything if you believe

You can soar if your heart wants to

Anyone can fly

But nobody believes except me

I know

I believe in myself and I can fly

I float high above the others

They don’t realize what they can do

If they let themselves do it

The trick is to be glad of everything that is

And you will fly as high as me

In the clouds

Yesterday was crazy

As yesterdays can be

The past always gets hazy

And just tries to annoy me

Tomorrow will be hectic

As tomorrows tend to be

The future is eclectic

Anything could happen to me

Today is completely, totally nuts

As todays always seem to be

Time, I think, is one big klutz

But that might just be me

Alaskan mist,
low and thick,
dampening the grass and the spirits of the people.
With it comes a drizzle,
light and slow,
yet more soaking than the hardest, heaviest rain.
The winds awaken,
cold and gusty,
penetrating even the most high quality jackets.
Born from the breeze,
swells rise and fall
and huge breakers splash on the rocks as they have for centuries.
Alaskan weather,
dark, wet, and dreary;
but wherever there is rain, there is sun.

Always look for the rainbow.

Okay, I've never done a Blog before, but here goes.

I have always wondered what you are supposed to write in a Blog, and so now I finally find out.  You write whatever the heck you want to write.  So, I guess this is what I want to write in my Blog.  Blog, Blog, Blog.  What a silly word.  Sounds like the feeling you have after a big day full of boring.  Like, “I feel all Blog today.”
I know it’s an acronym, but does anyone even care anymore what it means?  Like, who calls PCs Personal Computers?  Or TVs Televisions?  Or CDs Compact Discs?  Or DVDs Digital Whatever- They-Ares?  Nobody!!!!!!!!!! 
Yes, Blog is a silly word.  But I know a sillier one.
Blogging.  Ha!  It makes me think of trudging through mud on a dreary day.  Or like babbling incoherently when you’re tired. 
Funny that all the potential meanings of “Blog” or “Blogging” aren’t fun, happy meanings.  I guess it’s one of those words that just isn’t…isn’t…good.

No offense if you like Blogging.

Well, there’s my first attempt at Blogging.  I hope I didn’t bore you out of you skulls.