Oct 12

Hollow


I am a pumpkin
my insides have been harvested
and my eyes and expression
have been carved into straight sharp lines
by knives.
Every time it rains the sky like a light switch 
flicks off
and my carved lips
start to rot away
pushed on by the darkness.
I am hollow 
a hole waiting to be filled with something
or by someone.
A pumpkin waiting for winter to come
and take me away. 
 
Jul 12

Needle Point

Jul 12

How to be empty

The branches project a shadow 
onto my paper thin skin.

I can see the sun sipping the clouds
sweet water as they float by.

Everything is soft around me
and even my eyes are quiet
against the wind.

Birds fly ahead
whispering secrets
this is what peacefulness 
feels like.

The sensation of being fully 
willingly 
taken.
 
May 18

getting used to it

They used to walk in unison
their words like flowers
flowing freely at their feet
but not anymore.

They used to love in long lines
their bodies jigsaw pieces
pushing together
but not anymore.

They used to be playful
throwing stones down by the creek 
their hands loosely engaged in a game
of tag
they used to
but not anymore.

Now they find ways to forget
their bones aching
like rusty car parts.

Now they avoid the avalanche
of feelings by pretending to be busy.

Now they are two stop signs
meeting at an intersection 
staring without blinking
sending mindless thoughts to and fro.

Now they are just being
without knowing
two lovers
lost in time.
 
May 18

your choice

that was enough for me to forgive you.

to forget the way you threw ignorance
at my back 
as if trying to break a wall.

the small digs that you portrayed as clever
openly weaving them in and out 
of my skin like a seamstress.

it was enough for me to remember
that my hate was rooted in love
and that your eyes made me want to be okay
made me want to close my questions with 
periods.

you were enough to make me forgive it all
but sitting here
in the darkness of our bed
i realize
you dont want to be forgiven. 
 
Apr 28

the upgrade

My mind aches for you.
in this moment 
at this time
it throbs with words
that i wont hear
and laughs i wont have
like sunblock you leave my skin oily
even when you are gone
and i scrub away the pain
of knowing you 
and most days i ask god
to erase you from my life
forever
and soon he will
but for now i will ache
for your presence
and in my temporary failure to forget
i will find your replacement.
Apr 28

trust issues


i want to say it sucks. 
that i think about dying
every time i go out to eat/
that panic fills me to the point
that i no longer want food.
say to them that sometimes
i dont eat at all unless its labeled
because im scared.
but people dont get it
they think not being able to eat peanut butter
sucks
no.
its the constant fear that sucks.
i know every brownie, cookie, piece of bread even
has the potential to kill me
and thats why i only eat when i know 
a hospital is near by
never on planes
never boats
never out in the middle of nowhere.
ill never get to be spontaneously kissed in the rain
or be able to be care free at buffets
im terrified of what my body is capable of doing
to itself.
no one understands how i feel 
they all tell me i need to trust more.
but how?
i want to say it sucks.
but instead i say 
Apr 28

over the phone

"do you think its possible to just stop loving someone?" He asked me.

No. I answered.
I think we fall out of love with people
but our love for them never leaves our bodies.
The way they kissed you before bed
the gentle gestures to cheer you up
its that small stuff that never truly leaves us.

"ok. well then how do you tell the difference between love and being in love?" 

I paused.

The difference between loving someone and being in love with someone
is that love is able to exist even after damage is done. Its the sliver of care that
takes permanent refuge in your heart. Its what allows us to be able to care and still move on and be kind of okay.
But being in love with someone isnt as simple.
Being in love is when you sit up at 2 AM empty with only their face in your head
its the longing for the way they hugged, kissed, cared for you.
When youre in love youre crazy
Apr 10

8.538 Million.

gritty gumball streets
alleys, polluted skys
beeps, screams and
her statues eye.
tall towering tyrants
tables meant just for two
a home for me
for you.
they call it the mixing pot
the mutual ground
the sticky slimy
sanctuary of freedom.
an empire
the empire
floors and floors and floors
it never sleeps
never bores
chandeliers, champagne
cardboard box beauty
dirt piled up
under the nail beds
of tomorrow
trash applied
like makeup to the streets.

you are misunderstood
by the fools of the world
who take you for a penny
but know that for your praise
there are many.

many many many.


 
Apr 09

go ahead

i like to hold grudges
the way i hold on 
when i ride a roller coaster.

i let anger boil, brew, bake
deep in my stomach 
til it makes me sick.

i never let go.
and i used to think 
that was a characterr flaw.

luckily i dont think that anymore.
see ive decided that grudges are good
because when someone lies
cheats you, blatantly disregards your feelings
and then doesnt see their own fault
well that deserves a good grudge.

i hold on for me
so that no one gets to ever question
who i am 
my life is mine and i dont put up with
other peoples bad choices.
do me wrong
and were done
i dont play second chance.

so go ahead and roll your eyes at these words
hate me
call me fake, call me petty
it doesnt really matter what you say or do
because unless you truly know me
you have no right to.

 

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