Chelsey's blog

This liquid, it's too known. Too common.
It brims up on the bottom of my eyes too often,
Makes me want to hide in a corner like a four year old who stubbed her toe.
This liquid crystal is nothing new, nothing poetic.
It's just saddening and embarrassing.
How can I be original if I'm the most cliche person I know?
How can I be poetic if I'm not creative and new?
How can I expect to be good and nice and everything that people think I am
If I don't know who I really am.
If maybe I'm just a lie.

She thought that she was getting over this obsession. She thought that as more time passed with separation, the easier it would be to forget his perfect blond curls and his tall figure.

Now when she's lonely she can only wish that someone's arms would be wrapped around her, that maybe she could at least say, "Hi" to him.

Obsession isn't fading, only growing stronger on each passing day, wishing for one more glance at his old basketball shoes.

He didn't just say, he promised that he would show me what thunder looked like, but I believed his sparkled lies, and now I'm left picking up the shards of my shattered heart.

She's not numb this time. She knows what's going on. She's not ambling in that field of lost dreams, wondering who she is and where she's going.

She's mad. She's hurt.

She can pinpoint every hurt in her body and mind.

She cut her hair just so she could be someone different, hide behind a new disguise. It's just not who she is, this girl who's uncomfortable in her own skin.

It hurts her that he wouldn't notice how much she cares. Luckily, she cares enough to realize he'd be upset if he knew that she liked him.

Of course she makes no sense.

She's hurt because he just doesn't care, doesn't care enough to say, "Hey, how's it going?"

Four words would make her day.

He just doesn't care.

She's past the point of tears.

It's maddening to her, that simple words and fake excuses could bring that beautiful girl down further than she's ever slipped. She doesn't deserve to fall for a boy who's just scared.

She looked at me, speechless, and just shifted her eyes from me to the e-mail. I read it, and instantly my curiosity became anger. I shouldn’t be mad, and I shouldn’t care, but why? It’s not my business, but I have to voice my opinion sometimes...

How the heck could somebody screw their lives up that much?
How could they have so much disregard?
Do they not care?
You already got pregnant once.
You were 18.
What the hell are you thinking?
You hardly take care of your son. He’s always with your parents.
You’re not trying.
And, what are you, 20 now?
You’ve been smoking and drinking?
And you think that just because you remembered to give him a frickin’ bath
That you know about parenting and
You’re doing okay?
You were drinking! You’re not even 21!
Now, you’re pregnant again?
For some people, they mess up, but they try their hardest and
Figure out their lives
Before they try again.
You two?
I don’t think so.

Is she supposed to feel like this? She always has an endless supply of questions, and no one to ask them to. She needs to know if we're really here for a reason and why our race is so stuck on numbers. She wants to know how high we can go and how much stress one person can take. And she's tired of "results may vary". Results may vary because someone, somewhere was too lazy to really do their research. She wants definite results.

And she knows she's asking for too much. She always asks the questions that aren't meant to be answered. They're practically taboo here, she thinks, because she turns so many heads and no one ever answers what she's trying to ask.

Maybe they just weren't meant to be asked in the first place and no one knows the answer because they aren't real questions. Maybe the only real questions are ones that are definite, with numbers attached, that don't vary.

Now that she's broken her
Code of silence
Is it okay to break mine?
I feel like it is
Like,
She did it first
And my path has been cleared
But am I wrong?
Should my life not be
Controlled
Like that,
On the actions of others?
Or am I overdoing it?
What's wrong with me?
And why,
Why do I care about myself
When so many others,
Her for starters
Are in need?
I need to stop.
Why am I doing this?
Shut up, Chelsey.
Just shut up.

I know, it's totally rough and mostly pointless, I just needed to ramble on for a while. If there's a teeny bit of hope somewhere, and you actually read it, could you help me out?

She hesitated
Again
Not sure that
She wouldn't
Get burnt
But she watched
Them
Do it
And even though
They
Weren't there
She wasn't
About to be
A coward
And she was
Fascinated
So she slipped
Her hand
Through
This fire
This fire that
Wanted her
Soft skin
To stay forever
Tasting
Grabbing
But she wouldn't
Stay
And she never wanted
To move
Wanted to find out
What it really
Meant
To get burnt.

She was tired of sitting
And simply feeling
Worthless
So she ran
She ran until
She thought
Her shins would shatter
And her stomach
Would rip
And her body
Would collapse
Because
Nothing
Simply isn't
Good enough.

The grass felt like
The discarded deer fur
In the forest
She wept for that deer
While she can't cry
For her own brother
And
Remembering is
Too hard
But she hates
Being numb.
She always wonders
Why she can't wake up
And
Why her body won't work
And
Why words can't come
And
Why humans are messed up
And
Why she loves him.
She wants to just
Lay there forever
And feel his soft hair
On her face
Wrapped in his arms
On that soft grass
And she cries again.

I saw her mask
Finally
Shatter
And become
Liquid glass
Slipping down
Her face
Her expression
Finally
Turned into
Complete
Defeat
And all I could do
Was embrace
Her warm body
And hope
That she
Didn’t feel the need
To repair
Her mask-
That maybe
It would be easier
If she didn’t
Start all over,
Instead
Flying from
Where she
Crashed.

Yes, this song is from Carbon Leaf,
called Changeless.

What are the odds,
What are the odds
This ends and we don't
Meet again?
What are the odds,
What are the odds
That I have missed
Your smile?
So, so incredibly high
That it hurts to
Hear this song,
To let it rub this,
This fact in my face
All
Night
Long.

I didn't know
What that was,
The
"I'm not
In the mood"
And
"Nothing
Matters"
Feeling,
Until she said
How
Numb
She was.
Now I understand
And I
Don't know
If I want to
Be able to
Name it
Because then
Maybe it'll
Come back.

She feels
Entirely
Cliche
But doesn't
Like it
Or know
How to
Stop.