Poet_Jessica's blog

Hey YWP.

I'm not going to be on here for a while. I might not even come back.

Sorry. Life is just stressful sometimes. Things happen, people leave.

I might be back... who knows?

Not me.

Love,

PJ

Whoever said money is the killer of society
Has never been poor
Never gone hungry
Never wanted to buy someone something and couldn't
Never not had money.

Money gives people something to work for.
A Goal.
A start,
A finish.

Money isn't everything.
It is just most things.
Most material things.
When I say 'material' I don't mean nicer shoes.
I mean things that you need.
Like food
Or clothes
Or a bed
Or a roof.

Money.

I'm sorry I'm not as skinny as her.
I'm sorry she looks like a butt and you like her anyways.
I'm sorry you think she's the shit. [She's not.]
And I'm really sorry that you think I care. [I do.]

But I'm not sorry that I'm never trying again.

That was the time you'll break my heart and get away with it.

Self-preservation
Is first on my list
I won't tell him
I'd first eat my own fist.

This one can wait.

He likes her.

I guess I'll have to
Survive or something.

I think he knew,
Anyways.

I won't dwell on
Unpleasant memories.

This one can wait.

I wish I could melt.
I couldn't be felt.
I'd dissolve on the veldt.

I couldn't be felt...

This one can wait.

Self-preservation is first.
I'll leave the rest to wait.
Things that I don't want to think of.
Oops.
A little late.

Listen to the music;
A peaceful melody.
I'll give you an option
Not a guarantee.

This one can wait.

Okay, here's a story for anyone who feels like some unknown force is continually crushing any hope of romance...

At exactly 11:11 last night, [I know it was exact because cell phones know shit like that,] I wished that the one person I've been trying to get to like me for the past well... the past lifetime it feels like, I wished that this would be the year. The year that he would finally ask me out and we could have a happily ever after.

Then, at 11:14, not 5 minutes later than my wish, I got a text from him. Needless to say, I was about ready to cry with joy.

"Hey Jess... I need help."

"Hey. What's up?"

"Help me I'm having girl problems."

"What's up with the girl problems?
Ooo la la tell me who this lucky girl is."

"Umm danielle"

This is ridiculous.

Tonight.
Epic.
Timeless.
Never forget.
I won't.
I still like you.
You know that.
I think.
At least you should,
After tonight...

Whoa.
I didn't expect that.
I guess a summer of missed and
Rapidly changing reactions
Sent me off guard a little.

I missed that.

I missed us.

The sky lets her run
The ground lets her fly
Opposites attract
Don't let her say goodbye.

The plate of food is there.
Filling the tiny room with it's sickenly warm and pleasent aroma.
She speaks aloud to herself, "No," with such venom that it would poison a person standing next to her.
Luckily she was alone.
She reaches out to the fork lying by her side.
"NO!"
She yanks her hand back and sits on it.
She looks at it, thinking to herself how this plate of food must be coming from her cell in Hell.
How else would it know how to undermine her self-control?
She peels her eyes off it, wondering how good it must be.
She sneaks another glance over at the food, trying to will it to sprout legs and walk away.
She knows how little convincing it would take to make her pick of the fork and eat some.
"NO!"
She can't let it win.
She's worked too hard.
She's tried too much.
One slip-up now and everything she'd been working for would be over.
Done.
One bite would lead to two.
Two bites would lead to three.

Scribble out a line or two
Cross it out, write something new
Force eyes down, set pen on paper
Thoughts leave mind like water vapor
Trust your hand to keep it neat
Wishing it was all complete
Finally the paper's done
Get outside, soak up some sun.

Insecurity makes her eyes do that.

You don't work here anymore.
You need to move on and trust the war.
It keeps you fed, it helps the poor.
There's only one thing to cry for.

The dead are gone
The young are strong
We'll wait till dawn
We're never wrong.

Trust us now
We can't allow
Just take this vow
You're right till now.

Be who are
Say what you feel
Because those who mind
Don't matter
And those who matter
Don't mind.

-Dr. Seuss

She lived in a shack
No windows
No chips
No texture at all.
She liked to wear black
No stripes
No dots
No color at all.
She didn't like people
Not girls
Not boys
No people at all.
She kept her door locked
No company
No friends
No people at all.
The town stayed away,
Were scared of her land
So they let her live
She let them stand.
So the town
Gathered 'round
When the door unlocked
She stepped out to the crowd
To play her punk rock
Then died on curb
The crowd was in shock.
But she left them a note
That was stuffed in her sock
She said she was disappointed
They never once even tried
They avoided her often
And that's why she died.
She'd always wanted friends
A boy or
A girl.
One telephone call,
Just one friend,
That's all.
But that was the problem:
She wasn't ready at all
She didn't have anyone
To support her fall.
Sometimes she surrendered
And even when she tried
She couldn't get herself back
And that's why she died.

"What are you listening to? It sounds like shit. Screaming. Ew."

"Are you kidding me? This is My Chemical Romance. Great band. And not that much screaming, I'll have you know."

"Whatever floats you're boat, I guess..."

"You don't even know. Here," shoves an ear bud at him, "this is a good one. 'Thanks For the Venom'."

"I hope it's actually got some music in it... Look. It even says 'Emo' under Genre. I don't approve of this."

I hate how people immediately discredit Emo music. Some of it is GOOD. By the way, this not only floats my boat, my boat is flying.

I don't really know
How much effort you're giving
But I'm glad that I still
Count your face with the living.

Now I know you're not trying
Self-destruction's not cool
You know that I see those
Every day after school.

Please attempt trying
I'm really sick of crying
For you.

Whoa.
I guess I forgot
How easy algebra was.
And how much I still hate it
Anyway.

I think I've changed this summer.
Everyone says that everyone else changed but,
I guess,
They always stay the same.
To them.
They can't feel the change, I suppose.
I felt it this year.
I think I got taller,
Slimmer,
[I hope]
A little prettier,
Definitely more adult,
But also more immature.
I am changed.
I am changing.
I don't know what I am anymore.
I used to think I was an individual.
Doing individual and unique things.
Turns out I'm not as special as I thought.
I'm just another
Teenage girl.
I changed.
I am a little more rebellious.
A little less uneven.
Things that changed.
I like horror movies.
I like Lima beans.
I like my hair down.
I like different music.
Things that never change.
I don't like doctors.
I don't like marshmallows.
I don't like my picture taken.
I don't like spiders.
Those things never change.

I can't catch me.

I write in cute little turquoise-on-purple letters so you don't actually know that I'm typing everything through the blur of tears.

Strong. That's how I felt.
Not quite confident. That would require some measure of self-esteem.
Nope.
Yesterday I felt Strong.
Like a bus could run me over and, though I'd be dead, I would suffer no broken bones.
Yup.
Strong.

Cold, crunchy rye toast with an inadequate layer of Nutella.
My dinner.
I have issues.

In the background him and my dad are having a screaming match.
My brother.
So many issues.
Anger issues.
Difficulty with authority issues.
Just lots of issues.

He's still screaming, from the bottom of the stairs to the top.
My dad.
So many more issues.
Issues that make my issues look like a raindrop next to a hurricane.
Yeah, lots of issues.
Angry anger issues.
Family anger issues.
Marital anger issues.
Stupid.

Stupid.
Stupid.

Issues.

Somethings won't disappear in the wandering shadow of Time.
Burning, frigid images etched onto the thin membrane in front of closed eyes.
Never forgotten.

Tropical fields of tundra moving behind the curtain, never in view.
Mystery uncovers secrets.
Tropical tundra marks the days onto a flat black stone we call night.
Each star representing a day.
One day.

Blue.
Icy, sharp, clean, bright azure.
Blue.

Corruption is a dominant feature in the act of change.
Something must die for something to live.
Evil must survive in order for good to exist.

Beauty is the tempo of which hearts beat life into us.
Karma is the book of rules that create equilibrium in life.
Love is the result of pure utter ecstasy between equal souls.

Luck.
Bad luck.
Good luck.
Icy, cold, unforgiving bad luck.
Turns around.
Result:
Sunshiny, painted colorful peace good luck.
Very fickle.
Something to do with Karma, I think, too.

I'm sorry.
I didn't know,
I swear.
God, it seems I screw everything up.
I'm really really really sorry.

I didn't know.
I'm sorry.

The end.
So near.
So far.
When?
Unknown.
The beginning.
So near the start.
So far away.
When?
Unknown.

Unknown.

...

Unknown.

I'm sick of false reassurances.
Words that make you think every thing's A-OK.
Especially when it's so obviously not.
I'm sick of hope when there should be none.
When there is no silver lining, 'cause the sky is black and hard and impenetrable.
Even if a small gleam of light peeks through, don't expect it to stay.
I'm sick of you thinking a flashlight in the dark will help you see.
Lack of light isn't the problem.
You don't understand, so you can't see.
I'm sick of everyone going on with life as if my minor faults don't ruin moments.
Moments that had meaning.
Moments with potential.
I'm sick of people always taking me seriously.
Sometimes a joke is a joke and nothing more or less.
I didn't mean to insult you or offend you, I didn't mean it.

Okay, I'm done.
For now.

Can you tell that a few harsh words won't cut me down anymore?
You can ditch me all you want,
tell your friends I'm not cool anymore,
even tell my friends I'm not cool anymore.
They'll listen.
I don't care.
I don't know why,
but I don't care anymore.
Maybe because I can't hurt anymore than I do.
Maybe because you won't stop until you think you've won-
-I know this. I use it to my advantage.-
Maybe because life can't get worse.
In case you weren't aware:
Life has been steadily declining on my list of vital priorities.
I don't care anymore.
Take my friends.
Take my will.
I'll take my life.
Myself.

Wallow in despair
Try not to care
Here's the deal:
Life's not fair.
Self-deprivation
Not starvation
Try not to feel
Only one option.
No other choice
Try to speak with no voice
Fight with no shield
No need to rejoice.
Wallow in despair
Try not to care
Here's the deal:
Life's not fair.