unmistakingly_alive12's blog

Why and how do people decide to make false truths about someone and then proceed to blab it all over the school; while you unknowingly get stares and jabs at your heart and you don't even know what for...what more?!?

confusion is when there's
no one to point you in the
right direction

confusion
you talk to yourself
though it's not you
but the stronger
part of yourself that
you always wish you
could be

confusion
when you don't know who
you are or why your living
the way you are
or what you do
why you do it
why you're even here

confusion
confusion
confusion
it happens
and there really isn't
anything to do
but wait it out
and hope the end result
isn't something scary
or misleading

the result should be
better
than what you started
with

the result should be
easy
no doubt in any part of
your mind

Searching inside yourself
though it's a place not even
you want to go
see things not even you want
to see
remember
live over again

what is the result
that i'll never be happy
with?

so i'm in the library
trying to come up
with something to write as
analysis for this movie
we watched in English class

about freedom we're told
for that's how it goes
in the movie everyone has
gone and they opened the gates
letting out those with disturbed
minds gone astray long ago

and so they go back to their own
ways of living
being barbers
whores
circus masters
and everything in between
and they live like their free
without a care in the world
while just outside the walls
of the city a war, beyond their
belief is happeneing and freigning
to blow up their city

a soldier from the scottish side
sent in to investigate and unhook
the bombs stored somewhere within
those walls ready to blow when the
clock strikes midnight
and why always midnight i ask
whether it be in a pumpkin with a glass
slipper, or even in movies such as shrek
with unwary ogres and donkeys roaming
in a fairytale land

he gets stuck in this nuthouse and

Why does life have to be so BAD?
Why does love have to be so SAD?
Why does a sunny day turn to a storm
in my heart
in my eyes
in my soul

why can't i be happy
why do people judge on the outside
probably because the inside is a place
not even i want to go
not even i want to explore
for fear of exposure
fear of not liking what i see

quick to trust leaves me wounded
and searching for healing
for someone to pick up the pieces
of my broken heart and put it back
together

but that doesn't always seem appealing
for fear
they'll take a piece and never give it back
that they'll take me while i'm vulnerable to
fake love
fake trust
fake sympathy
fake care

i don't deserve those things
i don't deserve to be here
what if i disappeared and never came back
what would the world be then?
would anyone even notice i'm gone?
Am I All Alone
it's cold outside
too cold to dance
to feel alive
but i'm not allowed to feel happy
or loved
or secure
in my own body

There are days when I just don't want to do it anymore!

He yelled at me
or so it seemed
at first i wasn't sure
if it was all just a dream

but then it pricked
up my neck to my face
the familiar embarrassment
leaves my cheek with a red trace

so i droop my head
and keep my words unheard
for fear of raising my hand
sounding foolish and usurd

i know it wasn't really mean
but my stomach lurched with hurt
i felt the tears but held them back
kept my eyes to my shirt

and class went on
again he was happy and light
as if i were no longer in the room
my presence out of his sight

horray for weird moments
that leave you confused and sad
unsure of why things are the way they are
by life can suck so bad

keep you head up
he's just feeling stressed
then why, may i ask
is this situations messed

up, i'll get over it
time will let me heal
i'll just have to get back up
look him in the face and deal

Crisp Autumn leaves
crunch under my feet
it's another gloomy day

of piercing stares
from unknowing eyes
i'm stuck in the miry clay

my feet won't go
an no one knows
the suffering of my heart

he lay there dead
gone forever
my whole world torn apart

a living nightmare
harsh reality
dreams that are meant for sleeping

it keeps getting harder
to just move on
my pillow soaked with weeping

drip drop like rain
off of a roof
are the many tears for my father

sitting alone
all by myself
wishing i was someone other
someplace else
with HIM!

Class of 2009, 2010
you all have a choice
act up against the bullies
use your own voice

and when someone disagrees
maybe pushes you down
makes you feel stupid
like a silly circus clown

get back up
brush off the dirt
they're only words
no matter how badly they hurt

move on, keep going
push back the tears
keep your chin up
fight away the fears

of vulnerablitiy
the only thing holding you back
taking your mind off what's important
leading you off track

so stand up to that person
that pushes you around
show them your not afraid
you're going to stand your ground

class of 2009, 2010
you all have a choice
act up against the bullies in your school
take action, USE YOUR LOUD VOICE!

step this way
step that way
be this way
be that way

if the early bird catches the worm
what am i to catch...
...a cold?

sometimes the seconds
to minutes
to hours
to days
just fly
how is that
how can we be so caught up
that we forget what day it is
forget what mood we're in
forget who we are?

why is it so important to be perfect?
"well if i can't be perfect, i'll settle with normal."
what is normal
is normal not having the courage
to stop your dad's hand as he goes to slap your mom
is normal not standing up for who you are
what you believe in
in fear that someone will shut you down
or beat you
or make fun
why be normal,
when you can be you
unique and full of life

why do we follow the lies
that this world says we need to
be like
act like
look like
as americans
when you think of america, don't you think FREEDOM?
well why can't we all be free
P.O.W. stuck in cells
tortured
beaten
striving to survive
woman in prisons

there are days
when i don't want to sing
there are days
when i have nothing to bring
there are days
that just pass by
there are days that keep me

wondering

sitting

wishing

waiting

for sunrise
for more time
for a new day
a clean slate

there are days
when i'm swallowed in pain
there are days
i wish i could start over again
there are days
i wish never came
there are days
when i'm the only one to blame
just the same

there are days
when all is light
see the world
in a brand new sight
there are days
when i can finally see
the joy and the hope
that completely surrounds me

there are days
when only love
from my gracious father
looking down from above
and i smile
and i laugh
almost forgetting how
but it feels good
to be me now

THANK YOU LORD

It's the last midnight
and i'm awake
staring at my ceiling
about to break
mistakes

It's the last midnight
and all seems great
until we open our eyes to what lies ahead
we're confronted with our fate
not too late

Why can't my dreams
be for my sleep
and all of the tears
for when i weep
somewhere deep

Why can't the world
cooperate and play fair
parents stop shouting enough to listen
and stay out of each other's hair
and Dare

to be different, take chances
unafraid to take a stand
for tomorrow and today
spread it across the land
in your hands

is the ability to make decisions
know what's wrong from what's right
take in the new perspectives
see your life in new sight
don't fight

feeling like you belong
that someone out there cares
enough to try and put a smile on your face
even when whispers and stares
beware

that people will try to bring you down
to build themselves up
but it won't last; their tower will fall

the wind whips through the window
it's rather cold today
even though the clouds are gone
i know the seasons are changing

Change is good, but it doesn't
mean i like it
with the cold weather moving in
time for sweatshirts and hot chocolate

the leaves will soon change
to vibrant reds and yellows
firey orange and dark purple
fragrance of pine pricks your senses

school starts soon
with homework piled high
but i'm not ready for a new year
i won't welcome it

The summer flew by fast
and already i'm a junior
it's scary, just two more years
of my highschool career

where has the time gone
where will i be in 20 years
what will i make of myself
where will the world be?

Once upon a time
i believed in happiness

the kind that no matter
what happens the smile
can't be wiped off your face

but i've matured and seen
what the world is really
about, pain and sadness

happiness ever so hard
to achieve until i met him
the one that makes me feel

as though i'm floating on air
and not even the saddest thing
in the world could bring me down

from his arms that ride like wings
above the clouds, make my cheeks
hurt from constant smiling

miss this feeling of true love
happiness
and it wasn't so hard to achieve

Connor <33

you slip out of my hands like grains of sand through a hour glass

the fireworks were bogus this year
i was not impressed
lasting all of six minutes
definitely not the best

yea they were pretty
but i wanted more
longer and bigger
but they were such a bore

i could've stayed home
worked on my summer reading
but no i had to watch the show
thanks to my mom's pleading

to meet them at the park
the spot it was to take place
but the paper was wrong and people missed it
oh what a disgrace

insignificant fireworks
short and undefined
and all the while it's cold outside
sending shivers down my spine

i hate people as they complain
absorbed in themselves and loud
when it's all done shuffling behind
my friend's neighbors in the crowd

once we're alone
we let ourselves be heard
how the fireworks were just plain stupid
unspectacular and ubsurd

planning to not go next year
what we'll do instead
talk about plans for tomorrow
my house just up ahead

grabs her bike against the basketball hoop
and leaves in quite a huff

the world spins faster
but you stay still
stuck in your own feelings
of remorse and guilt

wishing there was a way
out of the tower
heavily guarded
by a flame throwing dragon

where's the prince
to rescue you
be valiant having slain
the awful beast

is he late
or will he never arive
and so your still stuck
in your own feelins of guilt and remorse

how did you get up there
in the fist place
and what will you do
before you lose sanity

there must be a way out
keep the faith
though untangible
keep it going like a small fire

needing oxygen
to stay alive
STAY ALIVE!

i jerk quickly awake
how could i have slept

when my whole world
is slowly dying
right in front of me

sit next to him on
the bed and take his
hand in mine

still warm
still alive
still in mine

a tear rolls down
my cheek
it's too soon

i can't understand
what's happening
unwillingly letting go

but i don't want to
i whisper
'don't give up'

but then breaths become
shorter and spread
apart...i'm losing time

to spend with the one
who makes the days
brighter and happier

he can't leave me
alone and miserable
wanting to end my own
life

that maybe he'll come back
in trade for me
and the sun will shine again

for him and me together
forever
never to part
never to part

she passes by
a girl unlike
any other
i'v ever seen

intense grey eyes
sad and forlorn
but what's missing
she's everything

i wish i could be
the reflection
i'll never see
perfectly beautiful

the gorgeous black curls
and amazing hour glass
figure i'll never have
perfectly thin

but a secret lies behind
her eyes glowing
of guilt and regret
sadly imperfect

and i dont' feel so bad
no one's perfect
no matter what they seem
there's a flaw somewhere
in that wanted perfection

it's your birthday
but you don't want to party

it's hot
but you don't want to swim

it's raining
but you don't want to dance

it's night
but you don't want to sleep

it's now
but your stuck

wake up
from the coma consuming you
making you imobile and mute
open your eyes
take a breath
be you
and don't go towards the light
be mine forever
please, oh please wake up
wake up

the train screeches along the tracks
once inside, told your not going back

home, that was comfortable, dry and warm
rumors of where we're going will bring us harm

rip off the yellow star
that isolates, and marks who you are

a jew, but a person, with feelings like any other
separated and scared, where is my mother?

cacophony of hacks and weezes
flees, parasites, infectious diseases

the train stops and we're all ordered out
the rumors from the train, i no longer doubt

into big labor rooms
wacked upside the head with a broom

and again for crying
and eerie smell of dying

lingers everywhere you stand
numbers engraved on your hand

put right to work, none said
women walking out of the building with shaved heads

degrading and embarassing
officers trained in harrassing

anyone with questions to ask
mystery always masked

and haunting our dreams
hard work, lifting heavy beams

and fight even when your tired
fences electricly wired

the water trickles over the rocks
dip a toe in
shivers run down your back
it's cold
yet refreshing
and it's all you can do
to escape from the heat
that drives everyone crazy
sweat off your nose
and onto the ground
solid and sizzling
with rays of sun so hot
that burn your skin
leaving it pink and irritated
take refuge in the shade of trees
smelling off moss and pine
calm and relazing
enough to make you want
to return again
hike down the stone steps
take more adventures
to quiet and peaceful nature
taht never gets old
something always new
and exciting
when the water still trickels over the rocks

ducktape on your mouth
struggling to breath
you rip it off fiercely
start to bleed

where did they take you
and why is it dark
surrounded by trees
maybe a park?

you know that laugh
fingers on your shoulder
but then another guy
this one much older

both not friends
betrayers in the least
their eyes scan wildly
on you they do feast

to fill passion, desire
sexual satifaction
no clothes, no shoes
nothing for traction

to run from the monsters
so wicked and cruel
no energy to fight
for freedom, duel

agains them much stronger
and you have not a chance
stop one more time
just for a quick glance

before you try to get away
fast as you can run
but everything goes black
at the sound of a gun

what are you going to do?
to make a difference
in your community
in the world

what are you going to do?
for the hungry
and the dying
the lost

what are you going to do?
to reach out
love the dirty
bring them home

what are you going to do?
for your brother
and sister, together
in fight for peace

it's nota hard choice,
but don't miss out
act up and ask the question
what are you going to do?

night on the beach
with the cool breeze
and salt water
taste on your tongue

crickets soft hum
lightning bugs
flash against the sky

dark and calm
with wild patterns of stars
like diamonds
unatainable

match the sparkle
in you eyes when you smile
and laugh, i love your voice

arms around me
sharing a blanket
fire's glow, warmth
embers fly into the air

no place i would rather be
but safe in your arms
i shut my eyes and sleep

i see him today
with blue eyes so intense
he's the boy with the copper tanned skin
behind the white picket fence

and one day as i walk by
he looks up and doesn't speak
and if he only knew
how he knocked me off my feet

just his smile
makes my legs turn to jello
never getting the courage
to go up and say hello

afraid of rejection
that he won't like what he sees
and even worse i think to myself
he won't like me

but he just smiles
with blue eyes so intense
and opens the gate
on the white picket fence

"hey" he says
he's looking right at me
is it real not a dream
my soul filled with glee

"hi" i say in return
quiet as a mouse
and then he waves for me to come near
and invites me into his house

i follow behind
hop from stone to stone
and feel the warmth of connection
when we're finally alone

together at last
i ease onto a chair
he looks away and sighs real deep
runs his fingers through his dark hair

i can't help but look

countless hours
in front of the mirror
tears pouring down my face
unhappy with myself

every flaw stands out
and i can't handle it
wishing i were someone else
with whom someone might love

love handles hang over my jeans
and a ring on my thighs and chin
i can't stand to look at myself
and i don't understand why

i can't be pretty
i can't be wanted
i can't be loved
i can't be desired
i can't be envied
i can't be stunning

cause i'm just me
and that's all i'll ever be
failure
mess up
always waiting for rejection
from boys
from teachers
from friends
from everyone

alone
scared
miserable
self loathing
but not suicidal
i wouldn't end my pitiful life
just wallow in it

cause i'm just me
and that's all i'll ever be

shiney silver blade
pale peach skin
slice of pain
cries from within
crimson drops begin

falling down my wrist
and onto the carpet white
adrenalin to much to take
on my lip i bite
take flight

salt from the tears
stings the cut made deep
memories of him
haunt me i my sleep
i'll keep

getting away from the yelling
from slaps and swearing too
tear up the heart piercing letter
and let it fall askew
who knew

that it would come to this
that i would fall apart
and let him tear
into my heart
depart

from sanity of reality
and into a corner dark
voices calming and soothing notes
in sweet song from a lark
don't bark

at me about stupidity
and mutilating myself so
for you never stood by me
you'll never know
i'll go

away for a while
and get help for this hurt
to much to bear
for one person, now it's on my shirt
i blurt

out i'm sorry
but now it's too late
i've cut too deep
i can't see straight
but only my fate

good-bye

i've changed a lot this year
and i'm happy to say
that i've seen the world
in a very different way

no longer being a rebel
and thinking that it's cool
to get in trouble with authority
and to skip out on school

maturity and respect
i've earned and given this year
from teachers and my mother
of bad influences i've stayed clear

i feel better inside
more confidence and joy
a glow of happiness on my skin
that no one could ever destroy

more restful nights
with worry forever gone
that my friends would all say bye
and i wouldn't ever move on

to big and better things
i know i can surely do
feels like the sun's always shining
and the sky is always blue

i know that there will be storms
with clouds thunderous and gray
but they'll pass on and tomorrow will come
hope for a better day

more chances to prove myself
as someone who can strive
for things i want to accomplish
to be wholefully ALIVE!

Stranger

Life changes

People pass on

Loves ones lost

Must stay strong

Turmoil

Confusion

Counseling

Delusion

Haze of blue

Darkness, forlorn

Finally break through

Revived, reborn

Desperate need for help

Give me courage to fight

Darkness slowly fades

The world in colorful sight

Memories flood back

Familiar shad of blue

Everything I’ve ever believed

Are lies, I’m done, I’m through

With trying to please, pretending

Becoming a person I’m not

Nothing held dear or special

Dreams and hopes now shot

Just when it feels like there’s nothing left

A stranger takes my hand

Pulls me to my feet, brushes me off

Unafraid to take a stand

To get through the mess

Of wreckage in my heart

And stay with me always

Unable to depart

And if I shatter

Leave a mess on the floor

He’ll always pick up the pieces

And wait patiently at my door

dino bites
with ketchup is good
that's how we eat
our lunch in the hood

fun to play with
even more to eat
i'm really glad
that it's certified meat

biting off heads
and wings galore
and when the plate's gone
i am asking for more

of aminals
so yummy
hits the spot
in my tummy

and now i must leave
no more dinosaurs for me :(