selfharm's blog

The first time it happened,
I have to admit, I was scared.
I mean, I was only 13.
I didn't know what was going on.
I cried but you told me
Everything was going to be okay.
You said it was all normal,
That it's just supposed to come naturally.
After I said that you were hurting me,
you said it was supposed to hurt
The first couple times,
that the pain would go away
After you did it a few more times.

But it didn't.
It never did.
After all these years,
The pain never went away,
Neither did the scars on my back
From the impact that your fingernails had,
Scraping time after time,
Over and over again on my flesh.

And the pain in my mind will never go away.
No matter how hard I try to forget the events that happened,
They will always find me,
Haunting my dreams.
Every time I think it's finally gone,
Out of my mind for good,
It always comes back.
Always.

Why did I have to do it again?
Why?
I knew that I made a promise to you never to do it again,
But I did it anyway.
I knew it would make you mad when I told you,
So why did I have to do it?
I thought of you when I was doing it though,
The salt of my tears stinging the fresh cuts,
The tears mixing in with the warm blood slowly running down my arm.

You really want to know why I did it?
Because I had no other choice.
I had nowhere else to go.
I couldn't go to you and I couldn't go to my parents.
I knew you would tell me to tell my parents and if I told them,
They would send me to a therapist again.
I just had to deal with this on my own.

I know you're furious with me
And I know that you have every right to ignore me
But I did what I felt like I had to.
To help myself.

I promise I won't ever do it again
As long as you stay by me,
Holding my hand through all the hard times.

I know that my promises don't mean anything to you anymore.

You sat there
when the doctors
delivered the news
and told me
everything would be okay.

You said that
you would be
right next to me
the whole time,
Holding my hand,
through both the good
and the bad times,
When I was scared
and needed someone
to be there for me.

Well where are you now
when none of the
treatments are working
And they say
there's nothing more
they can do.

Where are you
when I'm alone at night,
crying myself to sleep,
wondering why
there wasn't anybody
by my side
to hold my cold hands.
Why haven't you been here?

"I love you."

I've heard them
More than once before
But they are still
The words that
Have always scared me
The most.

The words that
Are supposed to
Mean the most
Even though
When I hear it,
It doesn't mean
A thing.

But when I hear
Those words
Coming from your mouth
They are the
Most precious words
I have ever heard.

You say them
With such meaning
And love
That for once
I actually
Believe them.

You wait for me
To say anything
And when I don't,
You sigh,
Kiss my forehead,
Say it again,
And walk away.

I wait until
You walk away
Before I whisper
With tears streaming
Down my cheeks
"I love you too."

I saw the marks on your arms today
And after the conversation we had yesterday
I wonder if they are my fault.
When I asked you about them
You avoid me by saying you got them at work
Even though you work at a diner
And there's no way for you to get them
Unless you really tried.
If I hadn't told you about what I was feeling
I wonder if you still would have hurt yourself this way
But if you care so much for me
And I don't ask you to
Then why do you care so little for yourself
Even when I do ask you to?

I didn't want to
Admit it to myself
As I sat alone
On the front porch
Curled up in the lawn chair
With a cup of hot chocolate
Craddled in my hands

Watching, waiting.
Wanting so bad to see
The reflection of his headlights
On the trees.
Wanting to see him get out
Of his 18th birthday present,
A '97 mustang convertible
Dressed in his tux
To take me to the prom.
But that silver convertible
Will never be seen again
Because of the telephone pole
That neither of us had seen there before

The inside of the ambulance
All the people around my bed
In the hospital,
Most of them crying silently
Into their hands

I sighed and turned my head
Towards the house.
"Mom"
She appeared beside me and
Helped me into the wheelchair
To which I was confided to
Since prom night.

I didn't want to
Admit it to myself
As I sat alone
On the front porch
Curled up in the lawn chair
With a cup of hot chocolate
Craddled in my hands

Watching, waiting.
Wanting so bad to see
The reflection of his headlights
On the trees.
Wanting to see him get out
Of his 18th birthday present,
A '97 mustang convertible
Dressed in his tux
To take me to the prom.
But that silver convertible
Will never be seen again
Because of the telephone pole
That neither of us had seen there before

The inside of the ambulance
All the people around my bed
In the hospital,
Most of them crying silently
Into their hands

I sighed and turned my head
Towards the house.
"Mom"
She appeared beside me and
Helped me into the wheelchair
To which I had to confide in
Since prom night.

The way he touched me
Was the way he destroyed me.
All my dignity and self confidence
Gone along with my virginity.
I lost most of my friends
And I've withdrawn from my family.

I have never told anyone about that night,
Especially my friends and the psychiatrists
My parents sent me to.
Who really wants to talk to a complete stranger
About the things that you don't want to admit
Happened to yourself.

I had the choice to say no
But I chose to say yes.
I had the choice to stop and not go farther
But I chose to keep going.
I had the choice to wait for him to use protection
But I chose to hold on to him for dear life
And not think about the consequences.
So I guess this is what I get for
Making all the wrong choices.

I trembled as I lay there after
With my head on your bare chest,
Your arm around my shoulders
I listen to your slow, steady breathing
Wondering what you're thinking about
As you lay by my side
Trying to think of what I was going to do.
Dad kicked me out. Mom's not talking to me.
Why won't they just understand that we're teenagers
and people make mistakes?
They made the same mistake
When they were in high school.
They don't get it.
Just because they decided to get married
And have a horrible life of arguing and finally getting divorced
Doesn't mean that I want to end up having five husbands
And getting divorced so many times.
I can't take it.
They don't understand that
Maybe I don't want to get married to him.
Maybe I think that we could have a nice life
Without having to get married.
People have children out of wedlock all the time
And they turn out just fine.

"Hey" he said as he woke up. "You okay?"
I looked up into his beautiful blue eyes.

As you walked away,
You know how much you hurt me
All that time we spent together,
And you never bothered to tell me
About the life you left behind
With her.
Why didn't you ever tell me?
I gave you plenty of opportunities
But you didn't take any of them.
I didn't want to hear about it
From your other family at your funeral.
So now you're gone so I'll never get a chance
To ask you all the questions
That I'm dying to ask you.
I guess now I'll never know
Why you decided to hide them from me.

The first time I cut into my arm felt like the best thing in the world
The sharp blade piercing into my flesh
Feeling the tingle was so exhilarating
The first pool and then a flood of my very own blood felt like the most powerful thing
Like I was above everyone else
That was the only time I ever felt good about myself.
After a while, it just stopped working.
Each time I did it, I had to carve deeper and deeper,
Drawing more and more blood each time to feel anything.