loverofbeauty's blog

Was i out of line? did i say something way to honest. made you run and hide. like a scared little boy. i looked into your eyes. thought i knew you for a minute. now i'm not so sure. so heres to everything. coming down to nothing. here's to silence.that cuts me to the core. where is this going? thought i knew for a minute. but i don't anymore

So i finally
told the truth
What now?
nothing?
Today's just like yesterday
the same laughing
the same talking
the same you
I know you know
i can see
thinking in your eyes
i know we're both remembering
leaning across this slab
of science table
the only thing i used to think
seperated us
i'm sick of writing
the same words
thinking about
the same things
this was finally new
and you didn't even care
i took my leap at least
into the vast obyss
nothingness
silence
anger
bleeding tears
who knows what i'm feeling
as all my energy is spent
on reading you
I'll flip through your words

Your upset again
she's pushing you over the ledge
keeps ignoring you
and flirting to every edge
Your replaying your conversations with her
analyzing what you didn't do wrong

I smile along
act all sympathetic at your story
you keep going
tell me how much you want this to work
dig into your heart for deeper places
so she'll accept you again

Then here i am
sitting across the table
holding inside everything
watching you smile
draw on my hand
wondering where we'd be
if she wasn't in the picture

You give me our look
as you pass me in the hall
i don't get it
how she can't appreciate you one bit
You're laughing and singing
making fun of how stupid this is

Then here i am
12pm and we're texting
holding inside everything
you keep apologizing
this is so easy
I'm wondering where we'd be
if she wasn't in the picture

You came to see me
laughing and happy
I know i'd be telling you how i feel
if she weren't three feet over there

Here am i am

I would let my heartbreak
tumble down darkened lane
but i can't
not when you're making me
so damn happy

grin and laugh
float me home

We fit
i can see it
feel it in your eyes
even if you don't want to
even if you can't know

you're teasing
play me another song

and its like
i only know who i am
when i'm with you
your ease and poise
filling in my holes

smile like that again
keep playing with my hair

Which makes things a little bittersweet
now that you're with her

We're laughing and happy
keep playing with my hair
you've got that look again
like i am so much more
than she walks by
she's got your jersy
i know i shouldn't care

Wont you let me go?
Stop smiling
stop leading me on
stop reminding me of what we never had

I don't know what happened
but things've changed
you've lost my heart
i can't keep lying and pretending
that i'm not confused
she's got your caring and time
i'm just lying here bruised

Wont you let me go?
Stop smiling
stop leading me on
Stop reminding me of what we never had

It's 11:30 we're talking on
i can stop tingling, waiting for your call
YOu're all around me every moment
i'm loving you wishing i didn't
or missing you as i move on
I can't fake myself
i want you to be lying beside me

Won't you let me go?
stop smiling
stop leading me on
stop reminding me of what we never had

I guess we've turned bittersweet
it's too late for anything
too soon to forget

Won't you let me go?

It was cold
standing on the front steps
of nowhere
My layers of silk semi-formal dress
brushing the freezing air
against my legs

All i could think about
was how stupid i was
for forgetting it all
For letting you hurt me again
I wanted to cry
sink into the cement sidewalk
devour myself in sadness

Except
i knew it would all be useless
there was no sympathy left
to comfort me
I'd let my wall down
got my hopes up again
torn apart my soul for no one

I'd let go of my good decisions
six weeks of trying to get over you
It was me all along
who couldn't accept our friendship
over and over again
only because i was too good
at remembering more

It was me who was even too weak
now
to admit it
my heart was broken
and for all the wrong reasons

So i'd sank to the frozen ground
my polish-toenails and fancy dress shoes
digging daggers into everything
I wished i could learn a lesson
from all of this
grow
move on

Home.
is faint guitar chords and singing
from my daddy's open bedroom door
pumpkins and old home videos

Home.
is writing, starring out into snow
warmth inside, typing away my insides
pencil to paper, thought to world

Home.
is his hair and hugs
nohing to do with romance
this friendship long-lasting

Home.
is them and that past
the playground, singing
sailboats and playing

Home.
is the simplest moments
sunshine, happiness, water
the newst beginnings starting with
Home.

All i wanted
was a bit of your confidence
your poise and ease
as you sip into the happiness around you
all i wanted was the same feeling
to be with you
now all those hopes are gone
and so are all my hopes for having that confidence
or poise
i wouldve' changed for you
no i'm not sure who to be
or who to change for

Je peux voir toi
voyas moi voir toi
mais tu ne peux pas
sais mon beacoup confusion
de tout le monde tu es
et tout le monde je sens
tu es tout je ne veux jamais
et tout je ne peux pas reste loins de

Held back
Feelings, tears stuck
Deep in my throat, lost along
Hiding from everything because you’re
Not here

Note: completely unrelated, i thought i could practice for english class

You're home
Away from confusion
of who i used to be
Since you left my heart outside, cold
you're home

A hug
from you to me
filling me up with this
hopeful, guarded from every worry
friendship

Stopped
the world of turns
the darkness from descending
the nails digging stress into lives
moment

Tragic
is the Holocaust
bleeding broken children
the lost lives of those without
destroyed
Tragic
is not lonliness
or your unheard longings
wishing for bursting past happiness
perfection

Lets pretend we're meant to be together
so we can forget all those we're without
we'll paint our faces with mistakes
and take a midnight stroll to darkness
wade through these waters of anything similar
Lets pretend these late night conversations mean something
we can wind our way through fantasy
and believe in what never was
not remind ourselves of the distant
Let's find more reason than conveniance
pray on a sunken relationship that wont work
we can cry into eachothers shoulders
like our broken hearts made us stronger
Lets pretend we're meant to be together
we can fortify the walls keepng us apart
we'll paint our fces with mistakes
and take a midnight stroll to happiness

Only late nights can sway her
that ever-ago smell sinking into her lonliness
she can push away the last few weeks
and forget who he's become
turn her life back into
an endless pitt of deadend dreams
brin back his plaid shirts
sweet smiles and accidental compliments
bring back hours of fake happiness
sunshine and bus rides to no where
just so she can have two more minutes
with him in the paradise she made for them
just two more minutes
so she knows she's not alone
even though she is
she pushed him so far away
she cant ever bring him back
for good and she knows it

Pain is
as i fall crashing
letting rejection
i'm only dreading
cripple me
the endless pile
of dissapointment
stacked at my doorstep
thats hurting more
than the stinging
aching
screaming
burn marks stretched
across my finger
that pain
i can understand

She stays up until midnight
tugging on her braids
writing away the worries
she's not sure she has
her party shoes
are hidden in her closet
beneath a pile of dreams
she's scared to try on
she'll stay up until 11:11 again
if it means wishing for him
she could lie awake for hours
starring into the darkness
outside her window
and wondering when she'll
dare to feel it
she pounds music through her ears
so she can't hear the silence
or the emptiness
from all these hollow oppurtunities
thats filling up in her lungs
when she's feeling brave
she'll crack open her window screen
and sit there
watching it all pass by
pretend she's going to jump
right into the happiness
thats waiting for her

as your warm words
of caring
break down my walls
melt away
some ice crystals
burried in a sea of sadness
stab into all the tears
i've cried today
i can smile again
nod my head
pretend
you didn't just wake me
from my depressed state
or knock against my bloody door
i'd almost givin up
on loving
and hoping
but you stopped me

I'm reading it over and over again
trying to find some meaning
in this mess of memories
I can remember all the times
i screamed at you
every late night fighting
flip through the pictures in my head
all the happiness you get out of me
I can say that word
friendship
too many times
complain about you
and all of everything thats happened
bus rides
shared ipod headphones
sunshine
squeezed hands
all the rest we've been through
the real stuff
i could uncover it again
but it wont make any more sense
I know how your hair feels soft through my fingers
and i know all the acusations we've gotten
i can remember Wal-Mart parking lot
and hotel room showers
just like you
but it doesn't change anything
that your everything i ever wished for
everything that ever dissapointed me
best friends
yes, i'm cautious to say it
in case it will scare you away
it doesn't change
that we broke this wall a long time ago
i can blame you
for everything thats going wrong
but i know

Two Seconds
one instant
three words
and i made my decision

Now i'm crying
and lying
dying every memory
that included you

don't know if i can
keep these promises
while this all feels wrong
but i'm letting go
no fear

You might have smiled
a million times or more
and made me happier
than sunshine

but how can i ignore
hints like that
i wont wait another day
for you to forget who i am

don't know if i can
keep these promises
while this all feels wrong
but i'm letting go
no fear

I screamed at him
told him i was leaving
laughed i was forgetting
all those days with you

even though
i'm bleeding inside
and tearing apart
who i am

I'm going to try to
keep these promises
even while this all feels wrong
but i'm letting go
no fear

She leans into brick wall. the sharp edges of rust against her skinny back bones not bothering her. She's got hair only described as fire. Curled, straightened and never tamed it hides her delicate skin and experienced ears. Bubble gum is her toy, her entertainment, as who she's waiting for is not coming. She winds it through her teeth, biting on her tongue and popping the ugly pink into her face. If her fingers weren't fast and furious on the wheel of an ipod, and the headphones weren't pumping soul into her so loudly, she might hear the life living around her. The children with lollipops and chatter, laughing by. The elderly couple sitting at a nearby bench and enjoying everything they've already learned of life. She doesn't let it in though, none of the pictures can clean her slate or give her a new beginning. Those dark skinny jeans, and layered shirts, a million bracelets are only her dark shades, keeping any one from seeing into her unhappiness.

I wish
i could describe the last two weeks for you
let you feel this pulse of music
and spin through my timeline of change
I could only hope
for you to feel this happiness
know his words
and wonder at how i fixed myself
euphoria
ephiney
i would use those cliche words
as if my life could be so grand
i'd bring you there
to bright lights and screaming
a million days i'd waited for this hour
seeing her up there
living my dream
i'd only hope these smiles for you
the love of beginnings
and too perfect
my life has finally become
each day lived with fresh
hurtling down this road
just beautiful
with the story i've become
i wish i could describe it to you
scribbled hearts on notebook spirals
converse squeeking on high school hallways
the waiting room
bursting bubbles of freedom
i could only aspire so hugely
that i could show you it all
and paint a picture of this joy

she's hopeless
and getting deeper and
deeper
she knows
What they say
but
She can't
stop thinking
about those gorgeous eyes
nd everytime she touched
him
the smell of enjoyment
So overpowering
she's trying not to write about
it
every night
or flinch when his screenname
drops of her buddy list
She's trying
not to
wish
or everything that wont
happen
or smile when he passes her in the hall
till her daydreams are fast
and furiously intense
winding her through a maze
of happily ever afters
Its just another day
another boy she know she'll
forget
except she keeps remembering
and this " fling" as
Everyone
keeps calling it
has lasted longer than anything
real
she's got memories pilled out her windows
and
A million feelings
she wants to keep
she's trying not to scroll through old text messages

Your my ecsentric lover
i'm closing my eyes
biting down on my lip
and slipping into this lullaby

Your my happiness
as chords slide over my tongue
and drum beats pound my soul
my hearts singing with lyrics

Your my energy
my fingers tapping to sound
my head lulling with words
my toes bouncing to dancing

Your my world
ipod earphones another body part
pushing play one habit
volume knobs for every situation

Your my hope
silence echoing ugly
piano notes and guitar jags perfection
I'm leaning into this melody

Your hidden deap in the brightest
part of my head
where sunshine is shining brilliant

whenever i hear that song
the one that used to make me cry
i can see you
i can see us
whizzing along in the back of the bus
wind tangling hair
and a million hopes circling your words

I'm undecided

Now i can't listen to the song
because it makes me remember those hopes

I curl my toes in my carpet
and i can see everything that has changed

This one summer
that turned my world backwards
and right ways up
i love it all
and i wouldn't change one thing
except to get those hopes back

Your undecided

Bio.
and we're bumping knees
and drawing smileys
on your paper
my heart pounds
as my fingers brush yours
and you smile right into my eyes
but it doesn't pound so hard
it couldn't after
everything it's endured

I can remember seeing you at the beach
i could have drowned in tears
that you didn't talk to me
now i pass you a thousand times in the hallway

The peer's rocky edge descends deep into the water depths of ocean. Salty sea air is thick in everyone's nostrils, as the summer's day turns to twilight. It's just the three of us, flip flops kicked off into the sand. Fingers deep in our own personal sand castles. The rushing waves crashing into our thoughts, is our only sound.
"I think i can see Spain," Jane mumbles in monotone. None of us comment, their isn't even anything clear enough to know if she's being serious enough. the Peace is just too overwhelming to let my gaze wonder for two seconds up the bay to the line of apartment building behind us, and everything we could remember about this summer.
"Do you think we'll ever forget it?" I ask, my tone mimicing Jane's.

( Hate it or Love it, i never edited it and its just something i wanted to write)

Scene 1) Music is my paradise
washing the room in color
bouncing my fingers
as i paint my toes in polish

Scene 2)I'm dissapointed
i can't pretend i'm not
every inch away or goodbye
feels like rejection

Scene 3) sunshine and friendship
its life bursting with perfection
and i know the cliche is everywhere
but happiness is bursting from my world

Scene 4)I slam the door
rip apart my insides
and collapse against comforter
salt pouring mascara across my face

Scene 5) My belly jolts and giggles
all this crazy winding into day dreams
your body heat is radiating
my fingers trembling as they brush yours

Scene 6 ) I'm loosing it
tumbling from my high peak of maybe
into an endless pit of redundant poems
i haven't posted anything real for weeks

Scene 7) Breathe, smile,
let the wind wip across your face
dig your toes into the sand
and forget about this balancing act

( i know prose aren't so fun to read, but i would love any kind of feedback, especcially idea's for improvement, i know this needs a lot of editing :))

Juliana
11: 12
It came again. The turmoil and anarchy of disaster pounding worry. It sent my heart racing again. The rumbling was heard even before bedlam hit us. I stood, up bracing my arms against the elevator wall. Terror my only thought. I wanted to vanish from here. Fear wracked my body until I could hardly stand still. The quivering and rocking got harder and harder. My feet were wobbling. My hands sweating onto the elevator handles, pulling my arms apart.

Terrified is inking into my veins
the most unsure ever
the worst feelings of out of control

When we become friends again
maybe you can explain it all
or comfort me with understanding

unease at loosing nothing is in me
thinking too much my brain hurts
Insanity wracking my body of hope

When we become friends again
We can wander through the halls
pretending things were never complicated

slipping off a million edges
pokes crackly mush into my hands
tumbling my head to silly

When we become friends again
you can laugh at my weakness
and ignore that you were ever gone

I'm feeling like a prisoner
trapped in the confines
of my own home
trapped in the
viscious circle
rotating in my head
Happiness and freedom
becoming distant memories
i know summer
is supposed to mean
laziness
but my
temper filled house
alone
on one deserted dusty road
has crept into my veins
and turned every feeling
towards getting out of here
my tears are only of repetion
nothing more to think about
except things already solved
i'll rip apart finished puzzles
so that pieces
can be my only enertainment
i'm feeling like a prisoner
trapped
stuck taunted
by others fun
i know my parents
persistant not driving me
is only stress
tiredness at their busy lifes
but its torturing me
where the thought of school
is not longer hard black
i'm trying to perfect
satisfaction
its impossible
my plees for help
sound desperate
even in my own ears
and suddenly the silence
feels on purpose
I'm feeling trapped

She wishes
she could
fake herself out
push all those pretty words
like 'love' and 'beauty'
down her throat
and fill up her insides
and all the things she's missing

She wishes
the pounds of mascara
and more expensive clothing
could make her look better
but she knows
her soul will need
more persuasion
to brighten

She wishes
she could fall asleep
knowing satisfied
and feel that amazing
without pounding music
in her ears
harmonizing her heart

She wishes
love could be more
than old text messages
and starring at
his picture in the yearbook
She's wanting anything
to fill up all this
emptiness
she's turning into
fake perfect

she wishes she could
make it all real
push all those pretty words
like 'love' and 'beauty'
into her life
and fill up her insides
with who she really is

Desperate
my blood pounds
wishing
for the unrealistic
world
i can see
shining of plasma
and filling up
my bedroom
with intelligently written
fiction
and a more perfect
and explainable land
than i've ever known

I know
i'm turning into
typical girl
even watching this
drama
side bangs, lip gloss
and expensive fashion
hardly tainted
by disasters
but this rabbit hole
falls straight to
loverland
somewhere only the tv
can show me

Stop me
Before I tumble into feelings that don’t belong to me
Before worry and confusion cloud my brain silly
Sooner than light can touch my wings
Stop me
Before I turn my life into adolescent behavior
Before you let the word “typical” reach my ears
Sooner than my morals are burned to dust
Stop me
Before things get good enough that I’ll get scared
Before the moon starts flipping over backwards
And I start believing in happy endings