Jun 18

I can't keep fighting

This is the year that will make me snap,
I just can't keep going, 
I can't put up with their bs anymore,
I can't keep crying in my room after a fight,
I just can't. 

Everything is wrong,
There is not a single solitary thing that I get right, 
I can't speak right, 
I can't deal with my pain right, 
I just can't. 

I can't trust them anymore,
I used to tell them everything,
No matter what it was,
But now, I hide everything,
I just can't. 

I can't even tell them I am meeting a friend,
They kill me with everything,
No matter what I say or do,
I just can't get it right,
I just can't.

I just can't and I don't know what to do anymore.
Jun 17

What if that is all he is?

What I realised after that day was that I didn't love him. Yes he is amazing and yes I know that we would work if we tried but I am just not there yet. Sure I have thought about him being there in the future, but something is always missing. There is a link that just isn't there. Yes he is amazing, exactly what everyone would say I want. But I mean, no. I can't just keep pretending that there is a real chance. That will only kill me, and him. Yes I am aware that what I am saying makes no sense, if he is perfect then what is the problem. That's just it even his bad habits aren't anything that would stop you. They just make him funny and weird and honestly they make him all that much better. Blagh, I don't even know what is happening. Or what I am saying because this doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense, why I feel like this because ... I can't stop thinking about it, him, everything. Whenever I close my eyes to sleep, I see his smile.
Jun 17

What if that is all he is?

What I realised after that day was that I didn't love him. Yes he is amazing and yes I know that we would work if we tried but I am just not there yet. Sure I have thought about him being there in the future, but something is always missing. There is a link that just isn't there. Yes he is amazing, exactly what everyone would say I want. But I mean, no. I can't just keep pretending that there is a real chance. That will only kill me, and him. Yes I am aware that what I am saying makes no sense, if he is perfect then what is the problem. That's just it even his bad habits aren't anything that would stop you. They just make him funny and weird and honestly they make him all that much better. Blagh, I don't even know what is happening. Or what I am saying because this doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense, why I feel like this because ... I can't stop thinking about it, him, everything. Whenever I close my eyes to sleep, I see his smile.
Jun 16

To The One I Lost

Every night I dream of you,
After I cry myself to sleep,
I dream, hoping for a glimpse of you,
Until the moment I wake up.

Everything is a reminder of you,
Eating toast at breakfast,
Sitting by the fire,
Or, having a cup of tea.

Everytime I smile, or cry, I think of how you would be there,
Of how you would already know,
That I was sad before I began to cry,
Or that I was angry before you heard me.

Everyday I make myself remember the times you were here,
To remember your smile,
Everytime you sneezed with that weary, old face, 
Of how happy you were when you sat in the sun and relaxed. 

Now and again, I catch myself thinking of you,
Of how happy you were when you met anyone,
Of how relaxed you were, even in pain,
When no matter how hurt you were, you always showed up for me.

My boy.
 
Jun 16

Up To You

Slight movements,
The flicker of a light,
The rustle of leaves on an evergreen,
The shadows in the sky, changing,
The petals of a rose, wilting, falling

Point is, nothing stays the same for eternity,
We all age, mature,
Inside and out

Yes, we are human, but we are animals,
We're superior, but we are inferior,
We hold power, but no control,
We strive on survival

What are we? What were we? 

I guess its up to you.
Jun 16

Weld

Flowers on her dress,
Socks on her feet,
Her hair let down,
Twirling.

Crinkles by her eyes,
Nails polished black,
Her bracelets clashing,
Midnight.

1930's rolls royce,
Hair like the fifties,
Her dress, satin to the touch,
Dreams.

Crosses and diamonds,
Phone in hand,
Her mind lost in thought,
Weld
 
Jun 16

Somedays by the Sea

As I stand here watching the horizon,
Her silhouette outlined in the waves,
My heart pounding with every spoken word,
The sunset appears red with fury,
I wonder what it would be like if we left,
If we ran away somewhere new,
Started a new life together,
Just me and her, her and me,
The waves crashing against the shore,
Her weeping soflty against my shoulder,
Our lives slowly being ripped apart,
The cracks gradually getting bigger,
Our love growing deeper,
Crashing down on us,
The clock hits 12,
Our tale comes to a standstill,
But our love and hope will never end
Jun 16

Pen to Paper

I watched the way she smiled,
The way she walked when she was angry,
It was mesmerising, the emotion.

When, when she put pen to paper,
Her whole face lit up,
She seemed one.

When she dozed off,
Dreaming, thinking, exploring,
She never quite would come back.

That was, was until she put pen to paper,
Her pen flew across the page,
She laughed, she cried. 

She used to sit there,
All alone,
Just, just listening.

To others she seemed odd,
They never really understood,
Until they read her work.

Day, by day, by day,
She stopped showing,
She came by once every two months.

People no longer know who she was,
I still watched, watched the emotion,
Watched her cry, watched her laugh. 

When she didn't come, 
I knew it was over,
Never, never would I again see those bright blue eyes.

I missed the emotion,
Jun 16

Posted Pictures

I know it is not the same, 
I know that when I go back it'll change

But, somehow that doesn't make a difference,
all that matters is that I am there

I want to have to ignore people,
Smile at the memories

I miss what it was,
I miss what we were

It's strange, everything is different,
But, it is still where I belong

I miss the laughter,
I envy the posted pictures

I never got that,
I never will. 
 
Jun 13

Solitude

At sunrise the trees would look fiery,
Encasing you eiyh s feeling of guilt, one you could never shake 

The snow atop the mountains shone at midday,
A beautiful scorching sight, blinding you only ever temperarily

The hills roamed on for miles,
Twisting and winding about the rock pools

The air smelt like an unheard of crossover of nature,
A dewy field that's just been cut alongside a brisk sea wind

Hours spent watching the mountains,
Like it were an eclipse

In the centre, an old yet modernised cottage,
The patio overlooking the trail of rockpools that stop at the trees

At dusk the rockpools would rumble,
In time with the wolf cry

A musical serenade,
Momentarily shaking that feeling of guilt. 
 

Pages