artisticthoughts's blog

You promised to always be there,
ready to catch me when I fall
(& so far you have.)

You let me confess my secrets,
even when you already knew
because confession is good for the soul
(& you didn't judge me.)

You whispered words of love
in my ear
which had only ever heard shouting & curses
(& it made me smile.)

You sent wonderful breezes
to twist around my broken form,
making me whole
(& I laughed with glee.)

You filled me up in ways that nothing
else could
(& never left me.)

& I thank you

Sometimes,
when I'm alone,
I open the gates
of my heart and
I take a pencil or pen
and I grab some paper,
and then,
I let loose.
Like a painter
I paint pictures,
with words.
I paint pictures
of silver moons
glinting on the still
lake water at
midnight,
of graceful rainfall
pittering against a window
as girl look out
forlornly,
because she
just wants
to play.
I paint pictures
of lost loves
and deer prancing
through the fields
at dusk.
I paint pictures
of families playing
and laughing
together,
of a mother and
her newborn baby
with love radiating Read more »

AT rant scramble.mp3

~this is my first EVER rant/podcast, advice would be appreciated~

I couldn't sleep last night cause I had that twisting in my gut, you know; the one where you feel so lonely even though your not, but you are and it doesn't make any sense, but you deal because human brains and emotions are so confusing and like a roller coaster inside of you. (I wonder if it's any fun to ride?) Read more »

When I think of you,
I think of warm summers
spent beach side with
half-melted chocolate &
vanilla bean ice cream,
(you never ate anything other than vanilla bean)
and we always used to
chase butterflies &
crickets in the field behind my house,
but we never caught anything,
not like we ever cared
because it was fun &
the grass was perfect for falling backwards into
& landing with soft "thuwumps"
& shrieking laughter
(it was the most beautiful thing I ever heard)

We used to watch clouds go by
& pick out shapes,
even making up a few & Read more »

So here is my attempt at writing about this strange picture...

I’ve grown up in a Christian family, learning about God from an early age. I accepted Jesus when I was 6 and was baptized at 8, but it was mostly for my parents. I wanted them to be proud of me like very young child does and this was one thing that I knew would make them proud of me. As I got older I grew farther and farther away from God and started to fall into a very dark place. I started hanging out with atheists and druggies who really weren’t the best influence on me. Read more »

Okay so some of you have read my other writing on different accounts that I have used that I have stopped using because I made this account. So my other accounts are not being used anymore, they are:
-letgoandfly
-justbelieve
-noodle/sym
-chazmataz
-killingmeslowly/embraceme <---- these ones were other names for this account

soo keep that in mind if you read something on this account that was on one of my other accounts under a different name, they are my writing, i didn't copy someone elses or anything :)

~Artistic Thoughts

You once told me that I would
someday rip myself apart
& bleed away my sins,
but I didn't believe you
because why would I do that?
(& it turns out that you were right.)

You always knew everything about me
& I used to love you,
spending golden days in your arms,
strong enough to hold together the whole world
& all of the broken people in it.
(& I took it for granted)

You watched me fall
& caught me once or twice
until I yelled & screamed at you
to just leave me alone
while I walked with the devil down a twisted
& broken road
& you loved me so much that you let me go Read more »

Dear God,

Give me the strength,
the strength
to get rid of this addiction;
razor blades slicing pale skin,
crafted by your
ever-capable hands.

Help me fight through
this day and the next,
help my to deny the devil's taunts and promises,
all so tempting,
and let me learn to love and trust
once again.

Speak through me to others,
struggling and fighting
to find stable ground,
to find light in this world of darkness,
use me to help spread Your word.

But most of all,
lead me and guide me in this world,
because now that I've found You
I can't seem to get enough Read more »

Fingernails with permanent ink stains
and cramped hands
from holding a pen every waking moment
of this worthless life,
pouring secrets onto pages and pages
of coffee stained notebooks
from one too many late nights
spent with only a pen and paper,
writing away her nights and days.

A writer by profession,
that's what she's always said,
but no one knows of the poverty
she lives in,
writing for much needed money,
pleasure writing long since escaped
her ever working mind. (and body)

Her friends have left her,
her family doesn't care, Read more »

I used to look up to you,
you were everything
I always wanted to be.

From your clothes
to your haircut,
I wanted to look the
same as you.
To a 5 (14) year old,
you were (are) a goddess.

I shadowed your footsteps
and I watched your every move,
intent on copying everything you did.

Not anymore,
you've done (and seen) things
I could only dream
(in my worst nightmares)
I don't want to be like you anymore,
your anorexic demons
scare me and sometimes I wish
that long ago I could have found the strength
to tell you how much I love you
and look up to you, Read more »

He had always dreamed of flying
over oceans where he could see his reflection
waver in the ever rippling tides
as waves threw about the sea,
unceasing and beautiful in way that only mother nature
could create.

Once he had hoped and dreamed
for things beyond his reach
because nothing was unattainable
for those who try,
but now he doesn't hope or dream
because he has been denied one too many times
and everything is just so unattainable,
why try?

He has been told all so many times

This ones for the soccer moms,
who spend their days behind their soccer children,
supporting them in rain or shine
blizzard or storm.
Freezing cold and soaked to the bone
is how they spend their weekends,
screaming encouragement
and putting together fruit cups late at night.
Thank You

This ones for the soccer kids,
who spend every minute of their days training
(or thinking about it)
and then watching it pay off
when they go through a season,
almost undefeated except for the stray
tournement crasher who just wants to take away
their hard-earned glory. Read more »

So I don't normally write a personal blog entry...
--well technically they are all personal as they are my writing and such, but I've never written about my life in like a legit (my sister says I use this word too much) blog entry. I don't know what got me to write this, but I figure that I might as well just write about like, life in general. Add my own twist to the world as I see it (does that even make sense?) Oh well....

I could really care less, sorry to those who do (I'm just me I guess) Read more »

Walking down these streets,
twisting and turning
with nowhere to go,
but on and on away from all her fears
and insecurities,
alone.

Long since left her home,
she wanders through an urban jungle,
one that none should have to ever live in
because these streets are now her home
and she wanders them endlessly
with her duffel bag and her thoughts and hopes
for a better tomorrow,
for there has to be something better than this,
there must be a reason for her life.

Stuffed animals lined up all in a row,
silent witnesses to the worst crime,
stolen innocence.
(Why does it have to be this way?)

ii
A teenage boy,
his mind is not his own,
it is everyone else's
because he does what they tell him
and lets his hopes and fears be chased away
by alcohol and sometimes a shot or two
of heroin.
Read more »

"Now don't you,
forget about me."

Ha! It's just wishful thinking on my part
because why would you ever remember me?
What have I ever done to deserve that honor?

Everything

Stop joking around,
you won't remember me when I'm gone,
I am nothing,
just a ripple in the pond
soon to fade away,
forgotten.

I could never forget you

Whisper these words in my ear,
words that are empty,
meaningless
because I never admitted what I feel for you
and now I'm leaving you behind,
an empty memory,
no reason to remember.

I have so much to remember,
Read more »

You once asked me,
when we were laying underneath the dancing stars
and a never-waning moon,
"Why look for a prince,
when there are so many frogs?"
and I told you that I didn't know.
(still don't)

Years and years we've spent together,
"best friends till the end" we always said,
but who was to know that your prince would whisk you away
into another world,
taking you away from me?
He found you and you found him
amongst these frogs hopping in and out of our lives
and I saw you as happy for once,
all your wishes finally granted.
(I only wish they hadn't) Read more »

My Love, Read more »

5 years
School begins and she smiles softly as she declares herself "Queen of the Junglegym" during reccess, her best friend standing next to her and laughing at the falling leaves and the boys who watch them with jealousy. Life is perfect and laughter is quick to be given, a soft sound that makes everything seem okay and like the world is perfect and right.

6 years Read more »

With 3 dollars you can buy
a few candy bars
and maybe a soda.

With 3 dollars you can buy
a jug of milk
or a gallon of orange juice.

With 3 dollars you can buy
a cheap book or two
at a yard sale down the street.

With 3 dollars you can buy
some pencils and a notbook
at Big Lots or Hannafords.

With 3 dollars you can buy
relief from silver razor blades
that cut your pale skin.

I had 3 dollars once and I bought
relief because I'm stupid,
my life has never been the same since.

V1
She's stares at the blood-stained floor
as she sobs and the blade slides across
her virgin skin,
too young for this pain
and as she hears her mother's screams
she fades away from this world,
hoping that she won't ever come back.

CHORUS
So we look up to the blue moon rising
and pray away our souls
to our little devils that are slowly taking us away
and who lay claim to our broken bodies
that scream of neglect and shame,
let's trade souls for a moment,
yours to mine
and mine to yours
because nothing can be as bad as we think it is,
right?

V2 Read more »

i.
Pale virgin skin covered in
purple bruises and perfect red gashes,
showing where the blade has been
one to many times
(it never should have touched her skin)

ii.
Bottles of whiskey littering a cold
kitchen floor,
remaints of a hard night
and an alcoholic mother,
neglected and ashamed,
trying to protect her baby
on the nights when she drinks
one too many bottles
(she shouldn't have drunk one)

iii.
Ribs shown through too-tight shirts,
food pushed away from her broken form
because she just wants to be beutiful
and some nights she eats it all, Read more »

Sometimes there is a moment when I am looking into my younger sister's chocolate brown eyes, the parallel to my own icy blue, and I see a reflection of a younger me,
a younger child who is just learning how easy it is to take only 26 letters and form them into words and sentences, bending them to my will because I am a writer. (she is a writer) Read more »

This one came from loneliness
and this one came from neglect,
this one came from anger
and this one from sadness.

This one came from a knife
and this one came from a razor blade,
this one came from a paperclip
and this one from scissors.

This one was an accident
and this one almost killed me,
this one scared me half-to-death
and this one left me high.

This one took three weeks to scar
and this one only one,
this one still hasn't healed
and this one doesn't exist.

This one looks like a snake
and these two are silky smooth,
this one stretches up my whole arm Read more »

i.
Some people walk through life wondering how their peers cna have a hard time trusting others, to them it is like breathing, but to their peers... It is another story. So they go through life, asking unanswered questions and wondering how people can stand holding everything inside. (they can't) Read more »

i.
Six years of innocence coming to an oh-so-regretted end, destroyed by the knowledge of a new place to live and a family that is falling apart.
(this shouldn't be happening)
Nobody can see the pain in her bright blue (now dull gray) eyes, they can't seem to get through the walls she put up and the act she put on. At six years she shouldn't have to be acting, at six years she shouldn't have to hide the bruises that cover her arms and lose all the trust her once innocent mind could give.
(it's just wrong) Read more »

Sour and bittersweet aftershave,
sweet and soft maple leaves,
aromas wafting through the house
on a summer night.

Words shouted like any other night,
but this time they are softer,
quieter,
not so piercing and hard-edged.

Red anger flaring through the
blue and black that surrounds me,
carressing me night and day,
tonight it is more pinkish
and not so vibrant.

Fields of crickets singing
and lightning bugs dancing,
creating nature's fireworks
and a soft moon hovering over it all,
silently watching.

Soft kisses,
all so fake
yet comforting all the same, Read more »

I don't know what it is about him, but ever since I first talked to him I can't seem to stop thinking about him. He sits next to me in English and it feels like everyday that class can't seem to come fast enough and I always stop and my breath is stolen away whenever I see him, no matter when or where. He never ceases to amaze me and his voice...
Oh his voice... Read more »

Place your hands on my
all too bony waist,
starved to be beautiful.

Grab my arms,
but be careful of the
cuts and scars that lace up them,
an escape from the pain.

Pull my broken and bruised body
closer to you,
hit around by an abusive father
who didn't/doesn't care,
who never heard my screams.

Bring your lips to mine,
hungry for yours,
years and years of whispered words
pleading for someone
to save me.

Kiss me and hold me,
maybe I will live another day,
for you...

I Love You