artisticthoughts's blog

i.
Small pills sitting on a table,
waiting to be consumed.
Medicine for your mind,
calming you and making
the depression go away,
even though you secretly want it.

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

ii.
White, padded rooms and straight jackets
are my home now,
razor blades are few.
Food is shoved down my throat
along with those pills,
that "medicine".

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills" Read more »

Laughing faces surround me and press down on me,
suffocating me and working at what they do best
destroying innocence

Some days I wish for that young, childhood innocence
that left me all too soon,
fled from razors blades and hunger pains,
half hearted attempts
at beauty.
It's never coming back,
what's lost,
is indeed lost,
it's not coming back and I,
we,
can never get it back
no matter how hard we fight to right these wrongs
that we created ourselves.

Rooms of people trying to get the help they need,
but these razor blades won't go away Read more »

I've know you for a long,
long time,
but today was the first
day that I realized
I love you

We are friends,
sitting next to each other
in english,
telling jokes and laughing
at what seems like nothing,
but is everything to us,
I love you

Inside jokes and whispered secrets,
I know everything about you,
but you know nothing about me
because I am afraid to tell you
those things,
I am content to laugh along with
your jokes that aren't that funny,
but I laugh anyway because
I love you

This last year I have gotten
to know you Read more »

Cover my eyes
and quiet my screams,
take away the pain
and cease all time,
fly me away from this
broken world.

Don't let me stay here,
med me,
fix me,
take me away
from this broken world.

Tell me it will be okay
and heal these wounds
created by this cruel world,
embrace me
and comfort me as I cry.

In return I will catch
your tears and protect
your secrets.

Let me catch them
as they fall,
as you mourn for
this cruel, broken world.

My angel...

If I took off my sweatshirt
right now,
underneath the watching moon,
what would you see?

Would you see the permanent
scars that lace up my
arms like permanent tattoos
as scars that I created
because I am a cutter?

Or would you see
the pain that caused them,
the echoing laughter
that was directed
at me?

Would you see my
bony arms as those
of an anorexic
who only thirst to be
beautiful?

Or would you hear
the yells of an angry father
who never saw me
as beautiful,
no matter how skinny,
no matter how hard I tried?

So what would you see?

Come here, let me help you, let me lead you into a world all your own where you are accepted and loved. Let me influence your decisions, don't worry, I won't hurt you. I am you after all. I am your imagination, your mind, your body, you.

Voices in my head whispering,
whispering,
hopes for tomorrow
and happiness for today
I just need to listen
to them and obey. Read more »

What hurts the most is
walking through
crowded hallways that
are empty of
friends.

What hurts more than
razor blades and starvation
is knowing that nobody
wants you and that they
would all rather you die.

What hurts so much that it burns
is the feeling that you
are alone and that your heart
is slowly being torn into pieces
by none other than
the ones that you loved
and thought loved you back.

What hurts like being crushed and
ripped into a million pieces
is watching as the ones who
knew everything about your
abusive father and the scars on your arms Read more »

Chapter Two Read more »

this is a song i wrote, i'm hoping to put it to music eventually and upload it on here. for now i'm just going to post the lyrics... hope you like it!!

V1
She stands on the sidelines,
broken,
bruised,
and battered.
No one cares about her,
no one sees her pain.

She's all alone
as she walks through
bustling hallways
and crowded streets.
No one sees her,
no one cares.

Chorus
Her daddy beats her,
her mommy doesn't care.
Forsaken by those who loved her,
she doesn't care.
There's no one to stop her
from what she wants to do,
her life is useless Read more »

Everytime I see you
my heart flutters and
I can't seem to breathe.
I want to stop and stare
at you forever,
you must be heaven
because heaven couldn't be nearly
as good as you.

When I think of you
it's like everything else
fades away and you consume my thoughts,
night and day,
because I love you.

I can't seem to talk about you
without choking up and having to stop
because you are just so perfect,
everything I could ever want.

Someday I wish you could read this
and realize that all these years
I have never loved anyone else
and that you are the one and only, Read more »

Someone once told me that
I could do anything
if only I put my mind to it.

Someone once told me that
if I really tried,
someday I might fly.

And so here I am
in this broken world
with my wings spread wide,
soaring over endless fields
and widespread forests.

Here I am
giving hope to the poor
and broken hearted,
soaring over them and shouting
out my words
as I fly on and on
over this broken world.

Someone once told me that
someday I would make a difference
and I would save a life.

And so here I am
flying over this broken world,
filling the gaps and crevaces Read more »

I looked up into his face as it reddened slowly and I flinched as I saw the anger flash through his dark brown eyes, the eyes that we shared. His hand seemed to ball up on its own accord as it swung down towards me and I watched it come, as if in slow motion, and then it was on me and the sound of his slap echoed throughout the house. There was a momentary pause as if he was second-guessing himself and then his fists flew and he was hitting me again and again as I cowered there and let him, not even offering up a whimper or so much as a sound break through my lips. Read more »

The words at my finger tips
struggling to get out,
fighting to be written down.
Fire through my skin,
write,
write,
write.
The words are waiting
to be released.

Moving through my body
looking for escape,
jump to paper,
let people read them.

The words are burning through
my flesh leaving
nothing,
taking everything
so everyone can read
something extraordinary
written by me.

Fighting to be released
from the mask my body provides,
they want to be free,
but can I let them go?
Inside of me for so long,
how can I let people read them,
people I don't know? Read more »

The soft whisper of
the wind on her sleeping face,
caressing her pale cheeks
and playing softly with her hair.
The soft rays of the
sun sneeking in through
the blinds
laying soft kisses
on her forehead.
Her face deviod of pain,
a gentle cough
and intake of breath.
Sickness has left her
frail body
for this short moment
as she rests.
The wind softly
bends around her body
as the sunlight
kisses her cheeks,
bringing a small
amount of color
to her pale face.
She inhales softly
and her eyelids flutter
as she exhales.
Her eyes open for a moment
and she coughs gently, Read more »

Step,
step,
step,
walking on and on
in endless circles
with nowhere around me
and nowhere to go.
My feet are beginning to burn
and this shirt is too tight,
it is suffocating me.
My shoes are falling apart
and my will is slipping,
I just wanted to get away from you
and your beliefs,
your useless words that didn't comfort me,
they only made it so much worse.
You say you loved me
and I accepted that,
but you never have and never will
and the truth is that I am still
in love with you.
I'm in love with everything about you
and I just need to get away Read more »

Skirts and dresses twirling
in circles,
endless circles.
Fire consuming empty souls
with nowhere else to turn
so they dance with
the devil,
twisting and twirling
in endless circles.

On and on they dance
as the devil offers promises
of happiness and for broken souls
to become fixed,
in return for their souls.
And so they dance with the devil,
on and on,
twirling,
all troubles forgotten.

Their feet moving across
the floors of hell
leaving trails of blood and lonliness,
never ceasing to dance on
with the devil.
(the only place they can go
for relief) Read more »

Blood dripping off fingertips
like red raindrops
and moving down arms
like lonely rivers.
Razor blades moving across
virgin skin
leaving their own marks,
forevermore carved into pale skin,
curving and bending like red ribbons
up and around arms and shoulders,
once soft and beautiful.
Scars hidden behind
fake shirts of soft material
and the excuses and lies
that make them out to be so simple and
harmless.

Dicarded food laying on twisted
wooden tables,
left behind for a purpose.
Skin and bones jutting out of
a once beautiful body,
covered by baggy guys clothes, Read more »

Chapter One: Read more »

Tubes of mascara and
cases of eyeshadow,
eye liner and blush
littering a small table
and reflected back in the mirror
above them,
the same miror that the girl
is looking into as she primps
and beautifies herself.

making herself look fake

Consealor applied with care,
covering the bruises
and cuts that are
twisting their way up her
arms and around her too-thin shoulders.

covering up the truth

Eye shadow and mascara,
eye liner and blush,
all applied around the eyes
to make them look innocent and
hide the bags around them
from lack of sleep. Read more »

Prologue:

Emily looked up from her typewriter as she heard the sound of the door closing downstairs. Read more »

Has anyone ever taken the time to step back from their reality and watch the people around them, watch the realities of those poor souls that have suffered so much in so little years?

Have you ever taken the time to comfort the girl who was crying in the bathroom, alone?
Cause if you had then she probably would be still here. She used to cut herself, you know, before she went and ended it all that one night after she got fed up with being alone and friendless. You could have helped her and maybe, just maybe, she could have been your friend. Read more »

Heart pumping
so hard I'm afraid it might burst.
Every breath of air is hard,
I'm gulping,
gulping,
gulping
and I can't seem to get any air.
The world is swirling around me,
evrything is a blur of motion and sound
and I can't stop turning in circles
and hyperventalating.

I'm so scared

It wasn't meant to happen,
I didn't mean to,
please believe me mommy when you
check my wrists tonight.
It was an accident,
I lost control for only a brief
moment.
Now my throat is constricting
and I can't seem to breathe.
My heart is pumping a million miles a minute, Read more »

Truth?
Sometimes,
when I'm alone,
I'll put on my most beautiful dress,
and dance.
Truth?
Sometimes,
I'm afraid to
sleep because
I might not wake up.
Truth?
I'm still in love
with my ex-boyfriend
and I wish we could
be together again.
Truth?
I love the rain
because it makes
me feel like the
sky is crying too.
Truth?
I think my best friend
hates me
and it makes me
feel so empty inside.
Truth?
Somedays
I get home
and go cry in my room,
alone,
with nobody there to comfort me.
Truth?
I push away my
friends when I'm depressed,
because
I
don't
want
to
seem Read more »

She watches,
silent,
as her sister,
her idol,
slowly starves herself.
She watches,
silent,
as her family
beats her idol sensless.
She watches,
silent,
as her sister
cuts her wrists
and cries.
She watches,
silent,
as her aunt dies
and her mom falls
into her grief.
She watches,
silent,
as her sister
slowly leaves this earth.
She watches,
silent,
as her dad gets
drunk and mad.
She watches,
silent,
as the ones she loves
slowly fade away.
Stop watching silently,
girl,
speak up.
You can save them.

She walks,
silently,
softly,
through the
familiar halls
full of memories,
but not with her.
Pictures of the family
sharing a moment together,
but there was a person
missing in every photo,
her,
the one wandering silently
through the familiar halls.
She looks around
at the memories
that she was never
part of
because she was so busy
hiding from the world
around her and
becoming nothing more than
just a
shadow.

"Next time cut a little deeper
and take an extra pill,
just in case .

Next time accept the reality
that no one wants you here,
no one will ever care about you.

Next time shoot an extra bullet
into your thick skull
and starve yourself for longer,
after all
who has ever been there for you?

Next time scream a little louder
and lie with more force,
convince them that everything is okay
and that your daddy doesn't beat you
and your mommy doesn't care,
convince them that the cuts are from your dog
and that your wavering smile is just because
you are so tired. Read more »

Can anyone fix this broken heart,
shredded into a million pieces
and no amount of bandaids can
hold it together?

Can anyone see the scars
for what they really are,
tokens of the days when all I wanted
was to die?

Can anyone see the bruises
that are tokens of my father's love ?

Can anyone see
the broken girl
that is standing before them
for all of the lies she
has said and all the rumers
they have started?

Slut,
whore,
bitch,
druggie,
anorexic,
cutter,
soulless ginger

Can anyone pick me up
off the ground and dust me off, Read more »

My Love,

Sometimes I wonder if you ever really have seen me, if you have ever really wondered about what I think of you. Have you ever seen the pain in my eyes, even though it is so brief, when I see you with her?

cause it's there, every time...

Do you ever look at me and think I'm beautiful? Do you ever wonder why I always find some reason to leave when we start to talk in the halls? Read more »

I love the way
your hair falls just so
and it never ceases to
be that soft brown color.

I love the way
that your eyes sparkle
when you laugh
and your head,
tilted back with a soft
smile playing at your lips.

I love the way
every word you say
seems to wrap around
me like beautiful music,
comforting me and making me feel
whole.

I love the way
you sing,
unashamed to show your talent
as you bend the words
into tunes that swirl in my head
constantly.

I love you

I hate the way
she moves her hands
through your soft brown hair,
as she pulls you closer. Read more »

I can't seem to get these feelings out fast enough,
my fingers refuse
to move across these keys
that quickly.
(Please move faster, I need to let this out)

Words are beating against
the walls they are confined in
with every breath of life.

Razor blades
and toilet bowls,
are consuming me
like monsters of my own creation.
(They are my creation)

I need to let these
thoughts and feelings
out of my fragile body
for fear that they will
eventually destroy me.
(They already are)

Music is pounding through my veins
and words and pounding through my fingers, Read more »