Sep 14
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going

i was going
to write. 
i had all these ideas
swimming around in my head. 
then i sat down at the computer
cued up my music
and stared at my google docs homescreen. 
brain blank. 
it oozed away
just like my time does
into nothing. 
empty head
and so, so many
half-finished documents
 
Sep 13
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made this

Sep 11
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a couple poems i wrote in school

so i started high school just recently. which has been weird. and i haven't gotten to write anything, or thought of anything that i want to write. these are two poems i scribbled out while bored in ACE block, which aren't really relevant to anything but they helped me to relax. so, voila. here. 

1: 
ACE block
and i don't fit here
among these people
older, more experienced
me a small insignificant dot
out of her depth
oh why did i think
i could handle
this

decisions
decisions, having to make them
like they're nothing
(they are)
but that dosn't mean they don't
for some reason
frighten me. 
out in the halls
passing time over
but people still hurry back and forth
shrieking laughter
high-pitched chattering voices.
(is everyone in this whole wing
female?)
...i already had a headache. 
i haven't bothered
trying to fit in
Sep 04
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shaved

i felt naked
watching my hair wash down the bathtub drain. 
like i was having something stripped away from me. 
my legs looked pale and defenseless,
the skin too smooth. 
not like me. 
not like me at all. 
the little freckle on my right shin
too large
too prominent
i didn't want this. 
didn't want to have to shave my legs. 
i would have been content
to remain an eternal gorilla.
at least in terms of hair. 
but i'm told that society demands
nakedness. 
that the only acceptable place for hair
is the top of my head
and i know that i live in a climate
where wearing jeans all year
will make me unhappy
and demand that i feel
as though i am hiding something. 
but my legs look all wrong
i feel as though i have lost something. 


 
Sep 04
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a few more songs

Sep 03
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the floor/london aftermath

the floor
does not want to stay flat and still
like a floor should. 
it bobs and shifts under me. 
my head feels kind of wobbly. 
too much time on a plane
preceded by lots of time on public transportation? 
or maybe it was all the elevators. 
"door opening."
"door closing."
"tenth floor."
"going up." 
that robotic voice
just lodges in your ears. 
too much time
being the only sober person
in a room full of drunken adults
i just wanted to be alone somewhere quiet
wandering through the churchill war rooms
too tired to be impressed
the audio guide made me feel like a sheep. 
even chocolate cigars
could hardly revitalize me. 
hundreds of different languages
cultures
people
wrapping all around, 
almost overpowering. 
giacometti exhibit, 
long thin figures
that look like they're heaving to stay upright,
Sep 01
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confused

love
is such a funny idea.
not bad, 
exactly, 
just sometimes puzzling. 
how some people
you are conditionally told
to love more than others 
how there are so many
variations
and only that one word
to describe them all.
and how some people
cant see it
and others 
(supposedly)
can.
and how the words
"i love you"
can feel like a terrible burden
or a gift. 
and how sometimes
youncant even
identify it. 

love
is is such a funny idea...
or maybe i only think that
because I can't have a thiught
without thinking
about that thought and thinking
 about my thoughts
about the thought
and on and on. 
and think all sorts of thoughts
most of which are 
too incomprehensible
to write here.
but i do wonder
what all the fuss is
why people fall in love
with the concept of love
Aug 27
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music

Aug 23
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teenager

my head is full of thoughts
and they're exhausting
sometimes too exhausting
to bother vocalizing. 
my mother is frustrated
by my quietness
says that she misses a time when i 
talked
i don't know what to say
whether to be sorry
that i don't currently feel compelled to babble
that my face feels still and quiet
and lighthearted chatter
feels like too much work.
or whether to argue
saying that it's not fair to ask me
to be someone i'm not
to do something that i don't do
because i used to do that. 
(did i? 
because i don't feel any different
than i used to)
or even whether to try and explain myself.
or maybe, 
i should fake, 
think of something that sounds like 
the kind of thing she says i used to say
and talk about it
even though talk feels exhausting
and i feel tethered to my dreamworld
Aug 23
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eclipse thoughts

it was like watching paint dry
except that it was very special paint
that i knew i would never get to watch dry
ever again--
cosmic paint. 
paint so dangerous
and so awe-inspiring
that i had to look at a projected image
that didn't even resemble the paint itself. 
a once-in-a-lifetime
cosmic 
experience. 

but when all was said and done
it was still paint. 
and i couldn't figure out
whether i should be agog over the symbolism
staring at the little crscent shape
through the pinhole
knowing that the sun was being spectacularly eclipsed behind me
so spectacularly that i could not even look at it
safely, 
or whether it all built up to nothing. 

i compromised, 
my friend admired the crescent
and talked to it like it was cute
i yelled at her to stop babytalking the eclipse
we stuck our hands on the paper

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