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Yesterday, in a daze, I turned the car onto that dirt road:
down that dusty hill:
over the empty pot-holes:
to the beach where it all began.

The air smelled the same.
The air was humid.
The rocks were still sharp:

But I was alone:
I was free:

I know now:
I'm stronger.
It will never happen again.

No
No
no
I don't get it
I just don't
and I can't do anything about that
but you can try to explain
try to explain why you keep hurting yourself
and I feel bad
I feel responsible somehow
and you
you're supposed to be the sane one
the smart one
the happy one
but no
instead you have reduced yourself to a self consious person
who won't wear flip-flops because you hate your toes
and won't wear shorts because you think you're fat
and I just wish you could see yourself the way I do
as near perfect

Part V: In this chapter, the nature of the God of this story is revealed. I guess I can say that the portrayal is negative on the whole. If you are offended by God being shown in a negative light, you might as well not read this.

Fourth Chapter

“Wake up, wake up.” The voice drifted through my head. Someone was talking to me. “Wake up!” Someone was trying to wake me up. I slowly opened my eyes. A wicked-looking barb filled my right-eye’s field of vision. I scrambled back, trying to get away from the tarnished spike that was hovering mere centimeters from my eye. My head connected with the wall with a crack. The world blurred for a moment then re-focused. Sopenix stood beside my bed, holding the cruel-looking barb. “Get out of bed,” he growled. I sat up, cracking my head on the bed above mine. Sopenix moved off down the hall, brandishing the barb. I saw Mike standing in front of our bunk. Read more »

Nobody knows
What happens when the sun sinks beneath the distant mountains
And the moon raises high above earth’s surface
That’s when it happens
She sits there all alone in her dark lonesome room
While her family is fast asleep thinking everything’s okay
Tears rushing down her face as if they were a raging river
The pain weighs her down like bricks on her shoulders
She stays awake crying
Hoping it will all end
That she’s going to awake from this nightmare she call life
She hides the pain behind fake smiles
Fake laughter
But the pain that she worked oh so very hard
And so very long to hide
Has began emerging
She’s scared to death of what’s going to happen
When people find out what’s going on with her
The scares are there to remind her
That she’s not as strong as she wishes to be
It’s her one weakness
When things get ruff
When the road gets bumpy
She picks up the blade
Telling herself
Just once more
One more cut Read more »

I.
I don’t remember when I retreated from the sun.
It was gradual, in increments, little incidents
drawing me further and faster into darkness.
I didn’t realize until the morning
I opened my mouth, words came out,
and nobody glanced toward me.

I hated this prison, this half-self-made cage.
I could see, I could smell, I could hear--
but I could not do.
I wouldn’t let myself. I’d be exposed.
People might see
what the mirror reflected so glaringly.
But what do mirrors show
but truth?
It’s our eyes that lie.

Once, when someone asked me
what animal I’d most like to be, I dropped my gaze
and said a maple tree, tall, thick-trunked,
steady branches spreading wide and up.
A tree is in the background; a tree
observes and whispers what it sees
and doesn’t care that no one looks its way.

II.
I leaned against the slick white bark
and listened for the footsteps of a no-longer-ghost.
It would be so easy, so fitting, Read more »

I'm writing
Like a maniac
Never written
So much
At once

Five or
Six poems
In one day

This is
Insane

And yet
I feel
Like this
Is the only
Way
To communicate

I'm writing
Nonstop
My wrist
Hurts
And I
Have finals
On Monday
And Tuesday

Maybe it
Will be
Better
By then

Or maybe
I'll just
Keep writing
And writing

I'm writing
Like I'm
On autopilot
And I can't
Find manual

It's 11:05
And I have
Latin and
English to
Study for
Geometry too

And I'm still writing

You tuck your shirt in
picking at the dirt under
your finger nails.
Summoned into the room of men,
you arm yourself
ready to throw the first punch.
The baptism rituals await
"water or wine?" they ask
"peace or war?" your eyes plead
They look for honor in your eyes
You look for sympathy in theirs
Wanting to become a man
But not wanting to succumb to the man

I'll admit that I
really don't know
what love is,

and I'll admit that
I most certainly
did miss you,

and I'll admit I
kept track of your
eye color,

and I'll admit that
that went on for
at least a week,

but I'll never say
that I never wanted you,
because that would be

a lie.

a secret buried to deep to dig up
hidden as not to offended
never to be discovered
never to be known
forgotten even by me
deafened with my life

people have searched
all have perished
all have drowned in a sea of sorrow
all have been murdered by rejection
all have been poisoned by anger

hiddedned in a temple of self loathing
deppen in a jungel of beastes
desires forgotten for eterinity
to be rediscovered one day
to be returned to their former glory

Shatter like a ninja,
Those were her exact words
I know I didn't hear them wrong
I heard them exactly right.

The meaning was lost to me, however
And I'll be left wondering, forever;
How on Earth and how in Heaven
Can one shatter like a ninja?

Girl
"flashes back"
to the day.
The day she stopped
three-quarters of
the way up
the stairs.
Girl paused and heard
the nonexistant gunshot.
Girl knows who
held the weapon.
Girl knows who died.
Somehow, though,
Girl stays calm,
very, very calm.
After all,
it was only
her.

Girl's sad.
Girl cried over what
to anyone else
would seem to be
nothing.
It was everything
to Girl.
Girl was hurt.
Girl was hurt by
the one
she never expected it
to come from.
Girl felt even worse
when her agent
of harm felt hurt.
Girl (almost)
wishes she'd just
kept her mouth shut.
Almost.
Girl wonders if it's
"better" this way.
Girl sits alone
in the corner
at the dance.
Boy left early.

Je suis rien
Mais c'est bien
Tu n'es pas un homme
Mais tu es ma pomme
Mon garcon, je t'aime
Je ne suis pas une femme
Mais je suis ta chere fille
Mon amour, tu es mon soleil
Tu es ma lune, tu es mon eau
Peux-tu aider moi?
Je suis tombe,
Je tombe amoureux.
Tu sais je crois
Je ne danse pas,
Mais danses-tu?
Danses-tu? Je danse aussi.
Nous allons ete heureux.
Tu es fort, tu es sympa,
Tu es intelligent, mon amour.
Je t'aime, mon amour
Tu es mon soleil, tu es ma lune
Tu es mon eau, et je,
Je suis rien.

your eyes gleaming
you slowly walk over to me
my cravings deepen
you look deep into my eyes
your hand touches mine
my arm tenses with hope
my desires screams so loud i think you can hear them
you raise your hand to my chin
you silently turn to leave
returning to the abyss of my mind
forever there
forever mine
apart of me
my constant companion
to be with out you
to be dead

Usually I'd be more scandalous,
Playing around the bay.
But you make me feel so sugary,
With everything you say.

I let my heart leap to you,
And you grasp it with your hand.
You share your thoughts to me,
and my love for you expands.

The prickling sensations
That we share with each other,
Build memories between us
Each one after another.

fat injected lips
double d's
bleached blond hair
brow lifted
face lifted
eyes lifted
lipo sucked
tummy tucked
botoxed face
luis vuitton bag
dolce and gabbana glasses
6 inch heels
micro mini skirt
i'am barbie
perfect in every way
hollow through and through

swirling all around me
fear of the unknown
all unknown
faces staring
screams from everywhere
people jumping
pop music blaring
friends grab your hand
it hits you
this is prom

Part IV

Third Chapter

After lunch I had a few minutes to look over where I would be sleeping. It was, of course, another painful reminder that I was in Hell. The room was about fifty feet across and extended out of sight. Each wall was lined with bunk beds that were only spaced a couple feet apart. Another depressing detail was that there were no mattresses on the bed boards and the pillows were blocks of wood. I also noted that there were doors spaced every few hundred feet down the dorm. I groaned. I’d never sleep at all in conditions like this. Read more »

She put a rubber band
around her wrist
and snapped it because she
wanted to stop.
She snapped it against her
wrist and it bled,
one way or another it
would have.
And she knew after awhile
that she only wanted to stop
feeling like she had to
do it
to be happy.

Now I understand
Not getting what you want.
Heart being ripped out of chest
Then stepped on
Tears slipping down face
And being laughed at
World being ruined
Then not being able to move
Single opportunity given
And not knowing it was there
Watching you slip away
Then not saying a word
Feeling open arms
And realizing the illusion
Falling for you
And landing in the mud
Now I understand
Not getting what you need.

I remember
Sitting on
The frame
Of the barn
Your dad was
Building
40 feet up
In the air
We'd stashed
Sour Cream
And Onion Pringles
In the back
Of our pants
And grape
Warhead spray
In our pockets
So we could
Clamber up
The side of the barn
And watch everything
The chickens
The goats
Cows on the next farm

I remember
Going up
To your room
You'd just got
A 2000 computer
With a Tarzan game
We'd play with trolls
In a dollhouse
Or shoot darts
Or laugh a flies
Trying to unstick
Themselves from the
Flypaper

I remember
You showing me
How to tell if
A snowboard was
The right height

I remember
Wanting so badly
To be able to
Balance on your
Voodoo board
And working on it
While you conquered
Another town in
Your dumb computer game
That I always
Wanted to watch

I remember
Smashing black walnuts
With your mom
On a chopping block
By your fireplace
You'd hit your thumb
With the hammer
And white tape
Was wrapped around
Gauze Read more »

I should be
Studying

For Geometry
Latin
English

I should be
Writing out
All the things
I should know

And going over
And over
And over them

I should be
Doing something
More productive
Than sitting here
Typing
Hoping someone will
Read this and give me
Feedback

I should be
But I'm not

I'm wasting away
My little grey cells
Not worrying about
Knowing everything

And yet
I should be

Remembered how I was going to write about my Day of Silence when I read "This Day".

I did it
Last year
I did it
This year

Standing up
For other
People's rights

I go to
Guidance
I grab my
Button

Pin it on

I get
A little
Sheet

In memorium
Of the 15 year old
That was shot

Because he was gay

I walk around school
Smack my friends' arms
In the hallways
Just like always
But this day isn't normal

I feel powerful
Like I'm making
A difference

My first class
I show him the sheet
He looks me
Up and down
Like he's wondering
If I'm lesbian
As if straight people
Can't stand up for
Gays and lesbians

He disgusts me

I head to Chorus
Show GD the sheet
She doesn't care

She grew up during
The 70's
She's cool with
Everything

I don't sing
I "audiate"
The bell rings

I head to class

Comp Apps is no
Different
She's cool too
And she knows me
She's known me since

Forever

The bell rings
To English with me Read more »

Out to the yard
To chop off some
Rhubarb

Yum

Take my Swiss Army
THWACK!
Turn to the compost
THWACK the other side

I head inside
Out of the
Unbearable heat

Rise and
Scrub and
Peel

Get the white
Cutting board
Chop everything
In half thrice

Stand each piece
Up on its end
Chop it like wood

My knife the axe
The 'barb the piece
Of white pine

Every board
Comes off
Almost equal sizes

Looks so good

Stack each one
Into a log cabin
Fire-making style

Reach into the cabinet
SUGAR
SUGAR
SUGAR

...

Can't think of
A metaphor for
The sugar

A few minutes
No more rhubarb
Clean plate

My dear
Dear Nutella love,
It's your sweet aroma that wavers above.
Thy pigments of deep brown,
Make the sound of music jealous!
So thick, so rich
Tongues linger to catch a drip.
Why, let us run off mon cher!
To Venice, we go!
Where I can serenade to your heart's content
And watch suns rise or tumble,
Licking the chocolate covered spoon
Before my stomach is to rumble.

What's that my dear? Speak up, don't mumble!
You say that there are bigger jars of Nutella in Italy?
Well....

The scratches down
The side of my face
Whisper sighs
Of breakdowns
In public places
And friends
Who think that
By ignoring it
They're helping
And parents who
Assume that
This is the first time
That it won't
Happen again.

Second Chapter

The door from Sopenix’ office opened to a long hallway with glass walls. On either side of me were small, hewn stone chambers. Each chamber had a person and a demon in it, and each chamber seemed to exhibit a different method of torture. One chamber had a man who was completely sheathed in flames writhing on the floor. Another room was so full of what appeared to be killer bees that it was hard to tell what else was going onside. Yet another chamber exhibited a man being lashed with a whip of chain links, and heated to the point that it glowed orange.

I was horrified. People were being raped, beaten and tortured in ways I had never imagined before my eyes by demons that seemed to be enjoying themselves and all I could do is stand and watch. I broke into a run. Read more »

I thought
maybe
you were different
they all told me to stay away
but I kept pushing it
until
you showed your true colors
and I gave up

It Just Keeps Getting Better
Hey guys. Well some of you actually took the initiative to write. Many thanks to all of you who did, and those who haven't, get busy. My email address is on the page but just for the sake of it, sashapup27@yahoo.com. You can reach me there as well as by submitting comments.
Question:
Dear Moose, There's a guy at my school who thinks it's funny to tease me. He got a bunch of his friends to call me really annoying names, and he talks to me like an idiot. Lately, though, he's been nicer, and shier it seems. I think he might like me. But I don't know if I like him or not. I might. I have a feeling he's going to ask me out soon, but what if I'm not ready? What should I tell him? I can't just tell him "let me think about it".....I need to know whether it would be a good relationship for me?
Signed: Gossip Girl Read more »

Sometimes I scream
so loud
and too much
that my voice breaks
and
cracks.

But I'm fighting to be heard
The words can rip from my throat
I just need to know that someone hears
Even if they don't answer

I think
However
that my shouts just get lost in the white noise
become the rolling muffle
that sweeps over a crowd when everyone is trying to speak
but no can hear
and
Maybe
I need to learn to whisper