kate.maciejowski's comments

Hi Cora,

I'm really impressed with the raw emotions you put forth in your description of anger. "unusualsuspects" got it right using the word "infiltrates" to describe how you talk about your anger. As I read your poem, I could almost feel anger welling up inside myself because your description was so effective. Or at least I could recall a time when I was angry and similar things happened to me. I think you do a superb job getting down to the cut and dry details of anger.

I think something that might enrich your poem could be to make it a little longer, allowing you to articulate a few more things about anger. You use such good descriptive words that I want more of them. You might wait until the next time you feel really angry and then do a free write to get out all of what you're feeling-- be sure to stick only to emotions and feelings, and not to what is making you angry. Then you could integrate what you jot down in your free write to expand your poem a little more. Thanks for submitting and please continue to write!

Sincerely,

Kate Maciejowski

UVM Mentor

Rowan,

I really love your poem. It is short and sweet and really has an impact on the reader. I also get a really great visual from it- I picture a little boy wandering alone in a train station, waiting for someone special to find him, and not realizing how important he is himself. The poem also seems to have some higher calling, another meaning behind the image you give that feels mysterious and works quite well.

Something you might work on could be to give the reader a little bit more of an idea of what's going on-- sort of something to frame the poem around. Why is this person in the new country? Who was supposed to meet him there? I don't think that you should necessarily answer these questions outright, but somehow allude to their answers so the reader can understand the context of the poem a little better. I do like the short length, and the simplicity though, so I wouldn't recommend going into too much detail.

Thanks for submitting, Rowan, and please keep writing!!

Sincerely,

Kate Maciejowski

UVM Mentor

Hi Robert,

I like the way you imagine death with so many different images, and then they all come together when you write your line 'love in its entirety'. I think that this is an idea that we've all thought about at one point or another, and that your poem provides your readers with another way to think about it, sort of a more comforting way to confront something that scares a whole lot of people in the world. However, you also end it with a question, which reminds us that no one living can ever really know.

Something that you might work on could be perhaps answering the questions that you pose throughout the poem. My thought would be that instead of stringing the questions along one after the other, you might use lines from the rest of the poem or new lines that you write to answer these questions. For instance when you ask 'what do you see?' you might answer it with a line, and then ask 'what do you smell?' and then answer that, etc. I think this might help the poem form a kind of resolution with itself, and it could also give it a kind of rhythm. No matter how you decided to do it though, I think that answering those questions that you pose however you see fit would definitely enrich your poem a little bit more. Great job, Robert, and do keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski

UVM Mentor

Hi Casey,

I really enjoyed your poem-- it was refreshing to me to think about what it might mean for you and for anyone else who reads it. My favorite thing about it is that it manages to instill me with a complex feeling using relatively simple language. It sort of reminds me of a sunny day, it makes you feel happy and you know why enough not to question it much.

Something you might work on could be to give the reader an image in their head to work with. Though I am able to get an idea when you write "I am
Staring out the window
And the
Shimmer
Of the sky
Reminds me of
Your pretty eyes", I guess I would just like to see more of this. I think that you could keep the simplicity of your poem but still make it a little longer. A place you could expand might be at the end when you mention that things "don't seem so catastrophic"... how did they seem catastrophic before? Also details about what makes this person captivating might be... well, captivating. Great job, Casey, and please keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski

UVM Mentor

Hi Eloise,

This poem vividly reminds me of a poem that I wrote when I was a sophomore in high school too. I'm not sure if you're intentions are the same as mine were, but I remember the feeling of being totally bound to the expectations of everyone else other than myself. It turned out that I eventually wanted the same things for myself as what others expected of me, but part of me wonders how much I was influenced by others and how much of that was my own changes and growth. I think your poem captures this feeling well and uses a lot of strong emotions and language to get your feeling across. You do a good job of promoting a certain feeling to arise within the reader.

Something you leave me wondering about is the title of your poem and the first few lines. I'm not sure what you mean by "so many dead letters". Are they actual letters you've written to someone, or do you mean just letters like a..b..c..etc.? I think it might be easier for the reader to understand if you provided some kind of a clearer transition from your first four lines to the rest of them.

Also, since you do use such strong language (i.e. Unlock these chains,
Unlock these manacles,
Unlock this collar.), it might be useful for you to back it up with images to allow the reader to feel more involved in the poem. Chains and manacles immediately draw up images of someone in prison or locked away for good... is this what you were going for? Even if it was, you might want to add some personal stories into the poem to make it more relateable to your readers.

Thanks for submitting, and keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski

UVM Mentor

Hi Shannon,

I like how your poem is simple, yet clearly holds complex meaning behind what you say. You use a metaphor the whole way through that allows the reader to create a clear image of the kind of person you are talking about. I also really enjoy the title of your poem because not only is it a line within, but it sort of encompasses what you say throughout-- "she stands there" is sort of imposing, and so is your poem.

Something that you might work on would be rather than listing out these characteristics that depict someone who seems to be quite demanding and ruthless, thinking about why this person seems to be acting this way. Perhaps you could think of what might be igniting these personality traits, and write about that. Another thing you could do might be to imagine yourself in their shoes, trying to look at the world through their eyes and think about how this poem would be written from their perspective. When you have emotions about something or someone, it is helpful and often more fun for you to explore them in a very creative way that might not be so directive. Emotions are what create the best poetry, but it can be helpful to channel them through a creative perspective so that your readers can form a picture in their mind and trigger emotion within themselves with what you write.

Thanks for submitting, and keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski
UVM Mentor

Hi Brittney,

I really enjoyed reading your poem. I think you took the prompt "where I'm from" to a more interesting level and that makes this a very personal yet inviting poem. It is often hard to find a way to make something creative when you're working with a prompt, but I think that you were very successful in doing that with this poem. You keep it very simple, but allow the reader little pockets of your life, leaving it up to us to make what we will of it.

Something you might work on could be to expand your two line stanzas with images for the reader to help make sense of it. For instance, you give in your first two lines "I am from a woman / from a man that once were in love" -- you could potentially follow this up with a story that doesn't necessarily explain what you mean by this, but gives the reader a picture in their head to work with. You could use another two lines to create a scene that depicts these two people in some way, so that the reader can feel even closer to the meaning behind your poem. The same could be done for most of the stanzas that follow. I think that providing readers with images to aid in the imagining of the poem makes the experience even better for both the reader and the writer.

Great job with this poem, keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski
UVM Mentor

Hi Katelyn,

I just love this poem. It's pretty amazing how people of all ages can sometimes feel the same way, and you seem to have capture that feeling of indifference perfectly. I think the rhyme scheme is cute and fits really well with the simple idea behind your poem. Although I think this poem could be left as is and would be fine, if you want to keep working on it, you might think about the ideas behind these tests and what that means. Are they really all that important? What made you give up? How might you change your mind in the future? If you do make changes, I would stress that you keep the tone the same throughout, because it is light and interesting and feels fun to read. Great job! Keep writing.

Kate Maciejowski
UVM Mentor

Hi Kacie,

I like how you begin every other line of your poem with "perhaps". It gives the poem a succinct vibe and brings it back after each of the other lines. I think that one thing you might want to try and expand upon would be to play with your emotions a little bit more. You do a lot of telling in this poem, but it might be good to do a little showing. Your poem is very speculative, which is similar to the way we interpret song lyrics-- we can never really know for sure what the artist meant by what they wrote. But I think a really significant aspect of song lyrics are how they make us feel. How do they make you feel, and hoe might you incorporate that into your poem? Best of luck, and keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski
UVM Mentor

Hi Shannon,

This is a great little poem. I can relate, when you want for a wish to come true so much that you're willing to spend all of your time looking for a way to make it happen. I like the simpleness of the poem, and I think you paint a picture very well. I can see you in the field sifting through hundreds of clovers to find the special one.

One thing you might focus on would be emotion. You say outright your reactions about certain things, rather than describing how they make you feel. For instance, rather than "I turn around and glance at the smiling face
One wish, one rare, green clover, and one more day with someone you love" How about sharing how that moment did or might make you feel. What emotions would it elicit? Good luck, and keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski
UVM Mentor

Hi Katy,

This poem is beautiful in so many ways; the images you give, the way you describe emotions. It really is touching. It makes me think of my favorite song and the feeling you get when you hear it, it sort of just takes over and envelops you until it's over.

I suppose the only thing that I'm left wondering about is you're last statement, that she is crying for the future. I think that the ambiguity of the statement works, but I think it might be beneficial to disclose a little more about why this emotion is connected to music and why it is sparked at the end of the poem. If "her heart is filled with more than love?" why is she crying about the future? Not that this cannot be so, but it might be interesting to consider why. Good luck with a second draft and keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski
UVM Mentor

Hi Miles,

I really love your poem. What a great thing to write about- and who hasn't wondered what there was before time began, because time had to come from something, right? I think you tackle the subject wonderfully. I especially like the last part where you question the fact that the universe has always existed by wondering:
"But it is fascinating to think that possibly,
One time long ago,
There was a moment
Where the nothingness of space
Altered itself forever
And time as we know it began."

Something you might consider working on would be to think about this idea of time becoming something out of nothing. If you had to describe this moment, what would it be like? Was there suddenly something that was created out of nothing, or did it grow? It might also be interesting to think about the concept of time itself. Did time begin when the universe began, or is time just a human invention that is completely relative and arbitrary? These ideas would be fun to explore in a second draft. You could try free-writing a little bit about some of these questions and then try and see if you can integrate them into your piece.

Great job, Miles! Keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski
UVM Mentor

Hi Ross,

I really like how creative you are with this piece. I think it's great that you make each room a different instrument and think of them coming together to create one masterpiece. I also like how you bring up the fact that adults just don't understand, I think it makes a great statement of fun and being a kid. I also really like your title "I Hear My Bedroom Singing"-- it made me want to read your poem when I saw it in the list of entries.

Something you might work on would be to expand each room of your house and the instrument connected with it. Why did you choose to assign each instrument to each specific room? Was there a reason or was it random? What does it sound like? Does it make you feel like you want to do anything else besides dancing? How would you describe the feeling of each room as it creates its part of the music? These are all things you might think about in adding on to this poem. You could start with "I hear my bedroom singing As it dances and sings, the bathroom plays the trumpet" and continue with writing what it feels like to go into one of the rooms as the music plays and the feelings that you experience. I am also wondering where you got the idea of hearing your bedroom sing? If there is a creative way to include that it would be very interesting to read about.

Great job Ross, and keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski
UVM Mentor

Hi Katherine,

I really enjoyed how your poem dances around the idea of this gift, yet never discloses what the gift actually is. I think titling your poem "A Secret" works really well with the content. The poem is very successful in creating an image of you and the gift and develops a sense of excitement for the reader.

Something you might improve upon might be to consider playing up the emotion within the piece. You allude to the feelings of excitement and anticipation but they aren't fully fleshed out. How do these emotions ring through in your poem? What do these emotions remind you of? You also might think about the emotions that gifts elicit in general and how those parallel and differ from your own in this situation. I think that if you accent the emotions within the poem it might help the reader connect to your writing a little more easily. Though the secretiveness of the poem works well, it makes the reader feel a little more disconnected from the writing. Forming that connection with the reader is key to a successful poem. Good job and keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski
UVM Mentor

Gabe,

I like your take on bullying. I think that because it is such a hot topic in school systems nowadays, it is important to recognize that bullies can come in any form-- the old stereotypes just aren't right anymore. I also think that the way you finish the poem is striking because it's both edgy and funny.

I think that something you might do to improve this piece would be to allow it to flow together better. When I first began to read the poem, I thought that it was going to rhyme the whole way through because of the first few lines, but then it doesn't rhyme at all after the first stanza. I think that this is a positive quality about the poem, but that it is a little distracting to the reader to have it rhyme in the beginning. I would suggest doing away with the rhyming in the first stanza entirely, and that would allow it to feel more cohesive.

I'd also like to hear a little more description about each of these bullies you talk about. I think it would be a great addition to have better visuals of both of them, even though many people can imagine a bully in each of these forms pretty easily from their own experiences, it might be fun to flesh them out a bit.

Good job, and keep writing!

Kate Maciejowski
UVM Mentor