nataliap's comments

Bridget,

First of all, I really like your title. Though it is short and simple I think it captures this girl’s simple desire to be noticed. What is interesting to me is that I think her want is really quite common but you manage to express it in a way that is incredibly unique. Your short lines and contrasting images work well with and represent what I imagine is going on in this girl’s mind.

Can you give your readers and idea of why she might long so much to be noticed or who she wants to be noticed by? While I think there is something to be said for the air of mystery your poem currently has, I know I’m curious to see you go a bit deeper into her emotions. Keep writing!

Thanks for submitting,
Natalia Parachini
UVM Mentor

Georgia,

I really enjoy this little story you’re working on. I am incredibly impressed by the imagery you use, even more so when I realized you are only in eighth grade! It seems this time of year the prompt ‘green’ brings to mind the brightening of the landscape that surrounds us, from trees to the hills to the grass. You manage to use the idea of ‘greenery’ without going over the top. I enjoy that the word itself appears in your first line but then not again until the last.

My biggest piece of advice for this piece is to keep going! I think it would lend itself really well to either a poem or to continue on in its current state as a short story. I want to know about April’s issues and what will happen next. She can’t lie there forever, can she?

Keep writing, and thanks so much for submitting!

Natalia
UVM Mentor

Noellen,

I think my favorite part of your poem is the slow, methodic tone it sets. While it seems to represent the need you express at the end to take time and enjoy life, it the monotony seems to contrast with (what I imagine) is a plea to appreciate each day and not let every one be the same.

There are a few places where I really enjoy the way you use language such as “Caught in the wheel/Of every day life” and “Time is melting/Day is breaking”. I think trying to incorporate more figurative language such as this would really add to the beauty of your piece. Essentially, the structure is there, now just add the whistles and bells that will really help take it to the next level. How else can you describe a child’s first experience with something – those new and exciting un-chartered waters?

Keep going, you’re off to a great start!

Thanks for submitting,
Natalia
UVM Mentor

Emma,

What a neat poem. I love the way you combine facts (that could have been placed into a boring piece of non fiction) and do something new, fun and exciting with them! Great job! I’m so curious where you got the idea and information for the piece!

I also enjoy your integration of Spanish vocabulary into the piece and it is actually something that I think you could continue throughout. I think it would be a creative way to go just a bit further with the poem. It could represent an attachment or a connection to the Nicaraugan coffee farmers that you write about from a world away.

All in all a great piece of poetry, I encourage you to keep up the good work and perhaps explore conveying other forms of nonfiction in this manner. Think, Creative Nonfiction. You’re surely on to something!

Thanks for submitting,
Natalia
UVM Mentor

Jackie,

This is a really great poem! I'm impressed at your ability to capture such emotions and your ability to take your feelings and put it into poetry shows your maturity. I love the stanza about looking at his reflection in the glass, you use beautiful imagery.

My one suggestion would be to read your poem out loud. There are a few places where I think it needs to be polished just a bit:

In the line, "The bare ground patches through in some places on the lawn out back." It is tough to be sure if you mean that there are patches of bare ground or if by patches you mean the bare ground shows through the snow. The other is the line, "I look at him one like time". Do you mean one LAST time?

I think by doing another read-through, perhaps out loud for a friend, you could catch little mistakes like that. Otherwise it's a beautiful piece of poetry. Keep writing!

Thanks for submitting,
Natalia
UVM Mentor

Isabel,

I agree, I think this piece would make a perfect poem and in fact, I read it imagining each place you had a capital letter to be the beginning of a new line. One of the fun things about working with poetry though is that you can have artistic license to structure the poem in any way you desire. As I sit here, freezing on a cold Vermont winter day, your poem takes me back to the joys of the summer and if I move by the window where the sun shines in, I can almost thing for a minute that the rhythm of the cars driving by is actually the rhythm of waves. Just what I need on a day like today!

To strengthen your piece I would suggest playing around with different ways of structuring it. Your use of figurative language like similes and your rich descriptions absorb the reader in your piece, don't change that! Instead trying laying out your piece with different length lines, assessing how line breaks in different places effects how your poem reads. One other minor thing - your last sentence confused me a bit. Because the sentence starts with "In" I expected there to be a bit more coming. What happens in your peaceful, deep sleep? I would either recommend changing the word "In" to "A" or continuing on with your piece to further explain that line. Keep up the great work!

Thanks for submitting,
Natalia

Brandi,

This is a great poem/song that you've written! I'm impressed by your ability to capture the emotions of returning home from war without actually experiencing them yourself. The situation that you write of is very pertinent and real given the current state of the world. Such writing is very important to do.

I have very little to suggest in terms of improving your piece. You might try to keep an eye on little grammatical things. Be careful, for instance, in your first stanza when you use the word "awaits" I think what you really mean is "waits" or "awaiting" (though if you use the latter you'd need to remove the word "of" from your next line.

Thanks for submitting,
Natalia

Kimberly,

This story is great! I felt like you were describing a dream. Its so creative! You made me laugh out loud (and I'm sitting in the Burlington Library!) at the part with the monkey in the tutu or three three.

In such a short little story try not to repeat yourself too much. In your last sentence you say "but" and "still" twice. I got a bit confused when you said you didn't find your shoes but then they were on your feet. Did you mean that you didn't find them when you were in the forest? You've got a great story here, keep up the good work!

Thanks for submitting,
Natalia

Tim,

I really like what you've started with this poem! It's a great topic and i love the way you give your shadow a presence but explain its loneliness at the same time. The image of your shadow dancing and being chased are both great!

I think that you've only just begun to scratch the surface of what this poem could be. Keep going with it! How does your shadow make you feel? Do you feel like you have a friend or do you too feel lonely because it is just a two dimensional figure? What about when it is a dark or rainy day and you can't see your shadow, do you still feel its presence? Keep up the good work!

Thanks for sharing,
Natalia

Toni,

Boy is this story one that I can relate to. At my very first ski lesson I got going out of control down the mountain and next thing I knew I was all twisted up in my instructor's legs. I wanted to die! I really enjoy the way you play with sentence structure in your piece. In the beginning the sentences are longer, fluid and flow nicely. As you near the end (and the bottom of the mountain!) your sentences speed up and seem more choppy. They reflect perfectly your nervousness and I'm sure the way your heart began to race as you got closer to the bottom of the mountain.

I'm curious to know what happened after you crashed into your mom's friend. Was she upset, did she laugh? How did her reaction (and perhaps that of your mom) make you feel? Again, you do a great job painting this scene for your reader, try finishing up the story with the same descriptive language.

Natalia
UVM Mentor

Sierra,

It seems like you went through something really rough. I hope now that it's been a few weeks things have worked themselves out a bit or that you at least have a different perspective on the situation - a true mark that it has helped you to grow. I really enjoyed the way you played with the font in your piece. The bold, underlined and italicized words add an extra emphasis and make the reader think twice. In the line, "You sit and ponder..." the two different representations of YOU show the conflicting emotions and feelings you must be experiencing.

I'd love to see you explore how to overcome such a feeling. Perhaps your poem could have a sequel where you add insights you may have gained in the past month and a half. Was anyone able to help you fit the pieces back together? If not, expand on how such a drawn out sense of loss leaves you feeling.

Thank you so much for submitting and keep playing with poetry,

Natalia
UVM Mentor

Georgia,

You really capture the bond created by a group of friends even if it has been formed in a short period of time. It is clear that your friends are not just a group of peers or collegues but a support system and the bonds you share appear grounded in jokes, laughter and mutual respect.

You begin to touch on the concept of the number 10. I would love to see how you could expand that image further. What does being a group of 10 mean in terms of your interactions, your friendships, your work ethic, etc? Is there any other way the number ten is prevalent in your bond (ten sets of hands to be sure the work gets done, ten hugs to get you through a rough day, perhaps)? I think it could be great fun to experiment with such a concept in your piece.

Thanks so much for sharing,

Natalia
UVM Mentor

Bridget,

Though I myself have never been to Underhill, you paint such a great picture I can imagine it perfectly in my mind. You combine beautifully historical knowledge, contemporary public thoughts and your own musings. Your thoughts on the cemetery have matured as you have, expanding as you learn the truth of the cemetery and its occupants.

You say that you decided at an early age that the cemetery is where you want to be buried. Are there still people being buried in the cemetery or is it all old graves (your piece seemed to imply the later)? I'd love to see you elaborate on your desire, the possibility of it and if it's not possible, how does that make you feel?

Thank you so much for submitting,

Natalia
UVM Mentor

Sierra,
I'm with Jess, this is the start of something great! You touch on what I believe is a very real experience for many students your age. I remember myself beginning to loose the naivety of my elementary and middle school years as I entered into high school and what seemed to be the 'real world'.

I'd love for you to go deeper with this piece. Can you describe with rich figurative language the experiences you have gone through? Much of student writing around your age (my own being no exception) is very sad and full of angst. If you could bring the reader into your lived experience by explaining more of what you're going though it would help to validate your emotions. The beauty of the poetic style in which you've presented your piece is that you don't have to explain exactly what's going on but you can instead use metaphors, similes (ect) to show the weight of your experience.

Thanks so much for submitting,
Natalia
UVM Mentor

Kate,

How beautifully you capture the holiday season! I love the contrast between the cold weather outside while you stack wood and the warmth that encircles your house around Christmas. As I've recently been filled with sadness while taking down my own decorations it's wonderful to be reminded of the joy of putting them up.

One piece of advice - be careful not to use 'I' when you should use 'me' or 'myself' as you do in the sentence, "I pour the water into four mugs, one for my mom, dad, brother and I." It can be helpful to think about which you would use if you were the only one in the sentence.

Keep up the good narratives and thank you for submitting,

Natalia
UVM Mentor