slunden's comments

Hey Taryn,

This past winter, I wrote a big paper about the Buddha, so I was really excited to find your poem! I really like how your incorporate sight, smell, and sound into the poem, so that the image of the Buddha really comes to surround the reader. This "Golden Buddha," which I'm assuming is a statue, comes alive in the poem through your description - I like the tumble-weed image best.

If I were you, I'd try to connect the last line of the poem with the rest - while those of us who have studied the Buddha might understand why the qualities you've listed make him a "true leader," others might have a harder time making the connection. What is it about his presence that inspires respect and loyalty?

Great poem - keep writing!
Suzanne

Hey Audrey,

One of the first poems I ever wrote, when I was about seven years old, was about sea shells; needless to say, yours is a lot better, but shells really are a great topic for poetry. The timeless spirals, listening for the waves...you do a really great job of capturing their intriguing magic. I also really like the short, descriptive lines - they correspond well to the simple complexity of the shells.

If I were you, I'd try to keep the lines short throughout the poem: for example, you could give the "like the ocean" after "rough and hard" its own line - that way, it would mirror the "Like the ocean" further down the poem. If you want, try this with some other lines, making sure, like you have here, to end each line with a strong word. Also, you might want to experiment with cutting the first two lines: while I like the mirroring effect with the end of the poem, I don't know if it's necessary, with the title. Also, "Once a home" is a pretty great line - I think it deserves to be first.

Thanks for submitting - now I can't wait to go to the beach!
Suzanne

Hey Kara,

I agree with the rest of the commenters - this piece is great! You really capture all the different facets of fear: walking down a strange street, jumping out and scaring your sister, (sort of) watching a horror movie, and that universal fear that never really leaves you, of the monster under the bed. I'm not sure if you intended it as a prose poem, but it definitely works as one - you have a knack for the form. My favorite line is definitely the one about the McDonald's bag and candy wrappers - the shady street and the creepy feelings associated with it really come into focus for the reader.

A few tips: while I kind of like the list at the beginning, I think the piece would be stronger without it; if you call the poem "Fear," the set-up function of the list would remain intact. I'd also read the first sentence of the last section out loud to yourself a few times and see if you can't make it a bit more concise and clear - but definitely don't lose the crocodile monster, he's great!

Thanks for submitting,
Suzanne

Hey Patrick,

I really like your piece on snowboarding. I'm not a snowboarder myself, but through your words I really got a taste of the experience. I especially enjoyed the middle section, starting with the first "Looking down..." and ending with "...easily." The short sentence fragments really capture each moment of going off the jump, extending and really reveling in what is actually a very short period of time.

While your title certainly gave me an idea of what the piece is about, I think the poem deserves a more exhilarating title...though, again, not being a snowboarder myself, maybe I'm wrong. Also, if I were you, I'd maybe try to cut out the first two sentences, since your description of the experience of snowboarding clearly indicates your love for it. The last sentence is nagging at me also...is there a way to end the piece without breaking the story?

Great job!
Suzanne

Hi Liza,

I really enjoyed reading your poem "Pieces." You capture well the feelings of inversion and strangeness that can occur "in the loneliest of nights": the owl hissing and the snake hooting, the flower lying in the shadow of an attack - you do a great job of grounding the bizarre in concrete images or "pieces". I also really like your rhymes, which, aside from "morn'", don't seem at all forced. I'm left wondering, though, why there's no rhyme at the beginning. If it just started happening toward the middle while you were writing, that's really fantastic - a true poetic talent. To keep this consistent, I'd go back to the beginning and see if you can't make those lines rhyme as well.
I'd also like to know more about what exactly the speaker of the poem is doing outside on her knees in the middle of the night. Those first few lines could be a great place to set this up. Although I really like the title "Pieces," because it invokes for me all these different pieces of the night, a different title might help in giving a clearer impression of the experience of the speaker.

Thanks for submitting! Great poem!
Suzanne

Hey Daley,

There's a lot going on here! I agree with prattl, your rhyming is as natural sounding as rhyme can be...I've struggled with this in my own poetry, and I admire your talent. I also really like your quotation of those phrases that we do hear every day, especially while going through a break-up. The quotes really distance these words, which can seem so meaningless in their overuse, from your own thoughts, which come across in the poem as intentionally confused. When asserting your "fine-ness", you use question marks, which makes the reader question along with the "people" (and perhaps with you) whether or not you are actually fine. Normally I would fine this sort of flip-flopping frustrating in a poem, but it seems mostly to work here, as you seem to still be working these things out for yourself.
I really like the title and ending "Though my head is still filled with squiggles and lines." It really captures the confusion of the poem: in one way, the squiggles and lines represent chaos and nonsense, those feelings of befuddlement and loss that accompany a breakup; in another, "squiggles and lines" could be letters, composing all those empty phrases that you quote earlier in the poem.
Maybe I'm just making this all up, but you've definitely created here something complex and emotional - and interesting to read.

Thanks for submitting,
Suzanne

Hey Karlie,

I feel your pain girl! I too was tall and dateless as the prom approached at the end of my senior year. Then, three days before, my medical biology lab partner asked me to go with him, and, desperate, I agreed. Well, he showed up late to my house smelling rather strange, and then wouldn't dance, not even to the slow songs (which, based on the smell, was probably more of a blessing than a curse). The point of my rant is that your situation can feel pretty awful, but, take it from someone who knows, going with your friends and "bopping around" can be a lot more fun than worrying about that guy from med bio all night.
And at least your frustration has produced some really fantastic writing! I was hooked from the "Very, very dateless." Your piece reads like one of those great, fun novels in diary form, like "Bridget Jones' Diary" or "The Princess Diaries." Your self-awareness rarely comes off as self-pity, and, when it does, you've used it deftly for comic effect. And you've created some great, original images: in your "painting" of the prom, for instance,when "the music changes dramatically, the first few slow chords weave their way through the couples quickly gravitating towards one another"...you've recognized the beauty of this moment, and its wonderfully comic contrast with Ms. Scrattlebop's flailing fingernails; or your personification of the prom and its "taffeta and crinoline covered arms" - a perfect description.
A tip: I didn't learn this until late in high school, but "it's" only means "it is" - it's not possessive, "its" is. I hope I haven't just made that even more confusing than it already is.
You're a really fantastic writer, one of the best I've encountered on this website - keep writing about these moments, and you'll find yourself in good company to bop with, with or without a date.

Suzanne

Hey Denny,

Awesome haiku. It's not often on this site that we mentors come across any...er, adult material, but, having only began writing poems myself during my second year of college, I really do think that such...instances make for some of the best poetry. Haikus, and short poems in general, are a good form for such topics, because you can only say so much, and that's usually all anyone wants to hear (or, in the case of the age range of this website, should read). Keep writing haikus - they are really hard to master, but I think you've got the knack. My only suggestion, if you plan to do anything else with this poem, is to just call it "Prom Night." Again, as fits the haiku form, subtlety is key.

Thanks for submitting,
Suzanne

Hi Sam,

I like your poem...though I'm not really sure why, since I'm not really sure what it's about. There is something very appealing about your haiku, and haikus in general: they are simple and mysterious, perfect for conveying one scene that is laden with meaning. That's the vibe that I'm getting from "One Knee" - from the title and second line, I'm assuming that you are describing a marriage proposal. This assumption is complicated, however, by the red sky - which I associate with doom - and the tears. If you're going the marriage proposal route, I might change "red" to "pink": the tears would then seem more joyful.

It's definitely fun working with so few words and lines, for then everything impacts everything else so much more. If you're going for an image / idea besides marriage in this poem, I'd recommend changing things up a bit; if not, you've created a beautiful scene.

Suzanne

Hi Olivia!

I really like your poem "Green Grass". It reminds me of a poem called "I wandered lonely as a cloud" by a very famous poet named William Wordsworth, which is about daffodils dancing in the breeze - you should check it out! Your poem has a similar graceful quality: starting each stanza with "Green grass" (I'm not sure you need to capitalize the "g" in "grass" outside the title) is somehow soothing, and makes the reader see the beauty even in grass stains. The image "Flowers in a glass / Looking like mini trees" is similarly lovely - you really have a knack for creating beautiful, concrete images in a dreamy poem.

To keep this dreamy mood up, I suggest that you cut the last stanza of the poem...for me, the pool intrudes on the simple, natural beauty that colors the rest of the poem. If you did this, you could take "Dance in the breeze" out of parentheses and have it stand on its own as the last stanza of the poem, as "Dancing in the breeze." This would be a definite tribute to Wordsworth, and to your definite skill as a poet!

Hope that helps! Again, fantastic job - keep writing!

Suzanne

Hey Michaela,

My name's Suzanne and I'm a writing tutor at UVM. I think that your poem "Waiting" has some great energy. It really captures those frustrating moments when it's beautiful outside and you're cooped up in school - especially after a winter like ours! I especially like the beginning lines: "Legs jogging, / Armpits sweating, / Fidgeting with a pencil, / Just sitting / And waiting..." You immediately engage the reader with a description that is wonderfully and startlingly specific while at the same time universal.

As the poem goes on, however, I get a little confused, especially about the time...it took me a while to realize that it was five minutes until lunch / recess, which is thirty minutes long, and then there are three hours left until school is finally out. The lunch / recess sequence was a bit confusing too...if I were you, I would use the first few lines of this poem as a jumping off point, and try to make the rest of the poem match up in both intensity and specificity. For example, instead of calling the food "Pig slops", maybe you could describe what it really is, or is trying to be, the way it slides around on the plate, what it smells like, etc. And how exactly did the other kids ruin the fun at recess? There is really so much potential material in this poem, and by the first few lines, and lines like "The smell of grass, gravel / And the wetness from the rain last night", I know that you have an excellent sense of specific detail. So play with it!

Also, if you submit again, make sure to check for typos, or have someone else check...I know that it's really easy to get caught up in writing a poem and forget that stuff, but, presentation-wise, it's pretty important.

I really had fun with your poem! Keep writing!

Suzanne

Hey Adrian,

Nice poem! Green is my favorite color too, so maybe I'm a bit biased, but I really like how you describe "green" not only with green objects but with moments and actions, like "warm summer days / Eating tasty beach nuts under a tree. / Or hunting squirrels barefoot." Green is your favorite color for a reason, for it colors, both literally and figuratively, your favorite experiences. The poem is also very advanced in its progression from a general list of your favorite "green" things to the specific moment of fishing and "catching a big bright emerald / Green bass with black spots".
In fact, I think that you could end the poem there. Your message comes through very well in your descriptions, and you don't really need lines like "Green is my favorite color" or the first two lines. Without them, the poem is already stronger; adding a few more "green scenes" toward the beginning would further illustrate for the reader how "green is the outdoors to" you, etc.

Again, great job!
Suzanne

Hi Lydia,

What a beautiful tribute to your grandmother! I'm so sorry about your loss, and remember, all of the different things that you feel - guilt, sadness, loneliness - are all natural and okay. Writing about these feelings and sharing them can definitely help; more than that, though, you've introduced others to a wonderful woman - your grandmother lives on in your words. I loved reading about "when she was Eleanor", her "cakes the size of a sheet of plywood." Even though you don't necessarily remember these things, you love her for them, which perhaps more than anything else makes this piece beautiful.
I encourage you to keep writing about your grandmother - you'll be amazed at how many "good times" you'll remember, and I'm sure that others who loved her, like your grandfather and your great-aunt, would really enjoy reading this piece and ones like it. And keep writing in general: you have a wonderful way with words.

Suzanne

Hi Jordan,

I've read a few of your poems on the YWP site, and this is the one that affected me the most. By setting the poem in a concrete, real setting, you allow the reader to form an image of the trench in his or her mind, which gives the graphic details and actions a place to unfold. Even though it is a bit confusing logically, I think that the first-person, present-tense narrative works well in the poem - the reader almost becomes this soldier running through the horrifying chaos and dying in battle. The lines "Want to escape death / Death wants to engulf me like fire" interrupt the narrative flow for me, and I think that your description of the scene in the rest of the poem admirably captures what these lines say without you actually having to say them. Does that make sense?
Moreso than any of your other poems, "The Shooting Gallery" really shows your ability to grapple with the very complex subject of death by neither dismissing it nor glorifying it but describing it in a terribly realistic portrait of the human experience of war.

Thanks for writing,
Suzanne

Hi Kara,

I'm Suzanne, an English major and senior at UVM. Thank you for taking on such a difficult and complex topic in your poem. Poetry can be a great way to express frustration not only with our own lives, but with larger issues that affect lots of people. Your obvious concern for the lives of others and about the "needless pain" of war comes across very clearly, especially in the short lines and questions, which imply a much larger feeling of helplessness and confusion about the situation that many of your readers certainly share.
To get this effect throughout the poem, I would suggest that you try to rearrange it into shorter lines - for example, you might want to split the 5th line into as many as six lines, so it would read "People's sons and daughters,/ even fathers and mothers, / being sent out/ around the world/ not knowing/ if they are coming home " (the / indicates where the line would end). Remember, a line of poetry does not need to end in a period. A sentence can span many lines.
These are just suggestions, of course, and I do hope that you continue working on this poem and writing others like it, because it is very important to speak out about issues that we feel passionate about. Again, thanks for writing.

Suzanne