I just lied.

I'm sitting with my arms around my chest, wishing I hadn't given in. He looked so happy, so pretty, not a minute ago; what went wrong? I must've said something, must've triggered the explosion, why else would he raise these bruises on my face? On my back? My mask probably slipped, this isn't like him. But I told him I was fine. I told him he was forgiven. I told him all these things and he turned around, he said he couldn't look at me anymore.

I lied this morning, too.

Road. Snow. Air. Tree.
Slap in the face.
What the hell?
I believe after this point I was in a daze. Staring at my ripped open steering wheel. The deflated air bag coated me like a thick heavy blanket, one that could only be considered comfortable in this situation.
I was dumbfounded by the quiet. Taken by surprise by the contrast between the serene view of the mountains and the sickening panic that was taking over my brain.
Gas off. Seat belt off. Door pushed once, twice, three times before cracking enough for me to crawl out of my injured jeep.

Up here
On the top of the world
There’s nowhere to go
But down
The blood pounds
The light drowns
And all I can hear
Is you
And your heavenly
Sounds
Way up here
On the tippy top
Where all I can see
Is below
Where the feelings grow
Where the words flow
Where all I have
I bestow
On you
And when I’m above
When I’m here on top
All I can do
Is be
No more mediocrity
Or satisfactory
Because for you
I decree
To be better
Up in the sky
Way over my worth
I see more
And know more
And feel more
It heats
My core
You are
My lure
And I can tell
I can tell
What you have

Hey, you–
yes, you,
quiet girl sitting in the back hiding behind
your hair–
I just wanted to say
(I’m sorry)
I’ve forgotten your
name, but I’ve never really
forgotten
you–
you with your green eyes like rainforests,
you with your cascading blonde hair and
porcelain skin–
(I’m sorry)
I’ve never paid you much attention,
but
you intrigue me,
you know–
there’s something
different
about you.
(& I’m sorry that)
I don’t really
know you.
But I could.
So, girl sitting in the back hiding behind
your hair,
intriguing girl whose name I’ve
forgotten
(& really, I’m sorry

It was the most brilliant color blue I'd ever seen
That dazzles in his eyes.
A gray-blue in nature of its hue,
But the glimmer inside is luminescent,
And makes me realize that they are the most unique I’ve ever seen.
They change color, depending on the day.
With that, they change emotion,
From joyous to tear-filled,
To grief-stricken and back to a sort of content feeling.
His eyes, his eyes,
They say it all.
I can tell what he’s thinking,
What he’s feeling,
What’s on his heart.
I can see it all.
In his eyes,
I am who I want to be.
He sees me as I am,

Because still there are traces of you in On the Ground--that one record always spinning, dizzying this marvelous circus-piano-hand mindset into the lashes of that boy's dark eyes. You told me he sang lullabies to his own perfect ears to put himself to sleep, and you were entirely, wholly enthralled, in love with the idea of it. So was I.