Butterflies
Butterflies
By Rachel Dubois
Benson Village School, Grade 8
Butterflies,
You give me butterflies
When you look at me like that.
So many butterflies
Flying around inside me.
I love it
This feeling you bring
These butterflies that sing
That constant ring
Of your voice
In my head
From all your butterflies…
But baby,
I must admit
Those butterflies
Are kind of scary sometimes.
They tell me
I love you
And I know
I do,
And they tell me
I could do so many things with you
Some of which I may regret.
These butterflies
They’re right
I could go so far with you
So fast
Without stopping
Or catching my breath,
Because these butterflies you give me
When you look at me like that
Oh, So many butterflies
Flying around inside me.
I love it
All of it
And all of you
And this feeling
Is alive
And Baby
It’s true
But,
We have to be modest
We have to stay cool
And listen to our heads
And not just our hearts
And not just to those butterflies.
We have to be careful
Of these crazy
Wild things
That fly around inside us
Like butterflies,
And even though these butterflies
Are a wonderful thing,
They are scary
And could easily lead us into remorse.
But I love these butterflies
All of these butterflies
You give me
When you look at me like that
So many butterflies
Flying around inside me.
I love it
This feeling you bring
These butterflies that sing
That constant ring
Of your voice
In my head
From all your butterflies…
good
pretty.wow that was really good for thee one poem you kept on here.nice poem.
~nate~
Love it!
Rachael, this is one of the best poems you have ever wrote! I love it to pieces. Long, though. I'm stealing your talent of being able to write long poems.
Thanks!!
Thanks shannon!! I like this poem too. And I'm going to steal your talent of writing short poems-and songs!! Love yas...can't wait to go shopping this afternoon!! ♥Rachael
Lol!
Lol. I can't wait either. :) And your welcome. <3 Love yas too, deary!
hey
hey let me guess its about parker ha i know well see ya and duby loves me more i meen dan:TOmmy
Butterfly Movement
Rachael,
There are a number of things that work well in this poem. The first is the way it repeats itself: your speaker goes through this back-and-forth about resisting versus enjoying the sensation of the butterflies, and in this way you mimic both the speaker's thought process and the fluttering, up and down movement of butterflies. You also have a nice sense of sound, as with such rhymes as "This feeling you bring/ These butterflies that sing/ That constant ring," but you avoid making the rhyme overwhelming by using it throughout the entire poem. Finally, one can really feel the sweetness in the speaker's voice and the earnest feelings towards the poem's subject.
My main issue with this piece is the lack of punctuation. (I've written this comment to a number of people, so do not feel it is somehow limited to your poem.) I think that poems need to maintain a consistency when it comes to punctuation. For example, you begin by using a comma and period in your first sentence, but then resort only to ellipses ("...") after that. I think there is certainly a flow you get by not imposing any pauses in your writing, and that flow contributes to the butterfly movement of the entire piece. But I also think that this poem could be made even stronger with some well-chosen punctuation to break it into "proper" sentences. In addition to providing slightly more formality, you'll be giving your readers some valuable breathing space as they read through this piece.
Great work - keep writing!
Nathan Jandl, Mentor
Thank You!!
Thank you so much for giving me some, alot of, feedback. I'm going to go see what I can do about putting in some punctuation marks. I'm glad the rhyme wasn't overwhelming, (I was kind of worried about that...)and I'm glad you seemed to like it.
Thanks a million,
Rachael