Alone
On a plane set for home
A man of 23
Awaits unknowingly
of his family over-seas.
Returning from war
Dressed sharp in uniform,
He fidgets with anxiety
With a tear on his cheek
And a picture in his hand
He's alone
No where to go
Crying in an empty lot
Sitting on the steps
Drenched from a rain
He stands alone
The people overwhelming
Greetings from families and friends
All but he
Whom stands alone
(Guitar Solo)
He's alone
No where to go
Crying in an empty lot
Sitting on the steps
Drenched from a rain
He stands alone
His address vacant
Only a torn note to be found
Standing in uniform
With a note that read:
They're all dead.
(with growing intensity)
He's alone
No where to go
Crying in an empty lot
Sitting on the steps
Drenched from a rain
He stands!...
He's alone
No where to go
Crying in an empty lot
Sitting on the steps
Drenched from a rain
He stands alone (fade)
What I think
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! Dakota
UVM Mentor Feedback
Brandi,
This is a great poem/song that you've written! I'm impressed by your ability to capture the emotions of returning home from war without actually experiencing them yourself. The situation that you write of is very pertinent and real given the current state of the world. Such writing is very important to do.
I have very little to suggest in terms of improving your piece. You might try to keep an eye on little grammatical things. Be careful, for instance, in your first stanza when you use the word "awaits" I think what you really mean is "waits" or "awaiting" (though if you use the latter you'd need to remove the word "of" from your next line.
Thanks for submitting,
Natalia