Stuck On the Hands of Time
Time is melting
Day is breaking
Time to wake up
Your hair never looks
The same as before
Always slightly untidy
We take so much time
To tie our shoes
And button our shirts
Go about our routine
Caught in the wheel
Of every day life
In no way realizing
That we have never lived
Who can truly say
That tying their shoes
Was the happiest and proudest moment
Except for a child?
Why can't we be like children
A first time for everything
Applauded
It seems as though
There is nothing new
For us to try
Except to die
How long does he think
Every day
About the good, the bad,
And the worse?
How long does she smile
About the mistake
Foolishly made?
Stop and smell the roses
Eat that last pea on your plate
Time melts slowly
Two more hours until sunrise.
I just want to tell you that
I just want to tell you that the point of the "except to die" line is to show the polar opposites of my piece. That's all.
UVM Mentor Feedback
Noellen,
I think my favorite part of your poem is the slow, methodic tone it sets. While it seems to represent the need you express at the end to take time and enjoy life, it the monotony seems to contrast with (what I imagine) is a plea to appreciate each day and not let every one be the same.
There are a few places where I really enjoy the way you use language such as “Caught in the wheel/Of every day life” and “Time is melting/Day is breaking”. I think trying to incorporate more figurative language such as this would really add to the beauty of your piece. Essentially, the structure is there, now just add the whistles and bells that will really help take it to the next level. How else can you describe a child’s first experience with something – those new and exciting un-chartered waters?
Keep going, you’re off to a great start!
Thanks for submitting,
Natalia
UVM Mentor