Fail
Silly useless lazy girl
can’t do what she wants, doesn’t know what that is—
just some desire to be extraordinary,
to have people look at her with the same awe she has for them.
She can’t listen to music without lamenting
she’ll never be that good.
Beauty hurts her when it can’t be her own.
Perfectionism is eating her from inside.
She loves the world, she does,
the great wind-burrowed mountain-plains
of cities and trees and hallways leading to monotony.
She sees the good in all of it, and refuses to smile.
She loves the world, not her world.
Anything she owns is ugly, anything outside
is gloriously unattainable.
She’d rather marvel from afar.
When she looks close, the blackened heart of beauty
can’t be ignored.
She’s the harshest judge she’ll ever meet.
She scores herself low, not good enough,
not even in the running. Not there.
She’s backed herself into a hole she so wants to escape—
for what purpose? She’ll only dig another.
She’s working so hard to look like someone she’s not.
She’s living on lies that fall to torn shreds
and reveal: there’s nothing beneath.
The lies are all she has.
Silly useless lazy girl
gets nothing done, limping in circles,
nursing self-inflicted wounds.
She’ll never be good enough.
- Usagi's blog
- Login or register to post comments
So true, so real, so
So true, so real, so personal.
Great stuff.
You're a poet and writer I admire and whose work I aspire to meet.
I'm sure countless others can say the same.
Thank you
Thank you, Geist. I've always thought the same of you.
I've got the piece recorded etc but I'm on a different computer than usual and can't get the software to work. It'll be a while.
Edit: Ha! Success. I'm experiencing a strong sense of triumph.
We all aspire to Usagi
This... speaks to me. This is my life, who (though I'd never want to admit it) I am. It hurts. Why am I such a jerk? Why must I always claw my way past others to reach for things that will never be enough for me? I hurt people - I betray friends' and family members' trust. I don't follow instructions. I seek attention.
SHIT.
I want to believe I'm so good, that I can actually compare with others. And here I am, too, wallowing in self pity, only hoping that someone will respond. How do you DO this? This... this is like Elva from the Inheritance trilogy, but backwards. You're saying the things that I know that are locked away in the deepest parts of my mind that will bring the most discomfort and self-understanding... And I like you for it. Is anybody else getting this? This is like a key to my lock, as Paolini said.
Completely speechless.
/gradster(1)/
http://nmhwu.wordpress.com/
Evidently not,
Evidently not, I'm afraid--you have four paragraphs of non-speechlessness contradicting your claim. :P
I was studying for a Japanese final when I wrote this. Still am, but this morning I was in a pit of panicked frustration, unable to do anything.
I think we all feel at least a bit of what you've described: beating down on ourselves for being so self-centered and cruel to other people (and ourselves--the very reason we're so selfish).
Often I write to explore what I can't figure out by just thinking. Then I get into the split-identity problem where what I write becomes real even if it wasn't before. Then I don't know what was ever true at all.
Agh...
I meant after (not during) the comment... True, though, true, fair enough - even afterwards I wasn't. I said that I was speechless!
Sorry for my little outburst.
I wish there was a machine that recorded all my thoughts... That'd be really interesting.
/gradster(1)/
http://nmhwu.wordpress.com/
wow you have got to be some
wow you have got to be some kind of magic, that was everything i was just trying to figure out, you just saved me an aweful longness of confusion, this is such a fantastic poem :)
----
Pain is weakness leaving the body
Usagi- don't be too hard on
Usagi- don't be too hard on yourself.
NOBODY thinks of you that way.
This is so immensely powerful that if I print it, I'll cause the printer to explode.
Also, it might make me cry.
Again.
Brilliant.
:)SnowStars
I hope you're alright.
:)
SS, thank you, but--
SS, thank you, but--
I think of me that way.
And yeah, I'm alright. It's this damn Japanese test that's causing this--not anything else.
Woops, sorry.
Posted at the same time. Didn't mean to get in the way.
Umm, I think I may have incorporated the breakup-theme into a post I just wrote. Would you like to see it before I post it, if I post it? Honestly, it was accidental and kind of insensitive.
/gradster(1)/
http://nmhwu.wordpress.com/
Not in the way.
Not in the way. You kind of seconded my point, and also proved that the universe is a pretty cool place sometimes.
Sure, I'd like to see it.
Emailing.
It wasn't names or anything, or anything about moving back anywhere - just the breakup theme.
Sending, should get it soon. Haha, woops - I just remembered, the website lost it. I'll have to rewrite it, but that won't take long. I've already gotten to the dialog, which is near the end. And yes, it's prose. A continuation of "Unua" (called "Dua" - Esperanto for "first" and "second". You can guess what "Tria" means.).
/gradster(1)/
http://nmhwu.wordpress.com/
Well, I often think of
Well, I often think of myself in a similar way- comes from being a perfectionist, I suppose.
:)SnowStars
Missing the point...
... from my point of view, at least.
Problem is, she thinks of HERSELF that way. Or am I just being insensitive and imposing?
Bad days go away with sleep, usually.
/gradster(1)/
http://nmhwu.wordpress.com/
Yes, I can see that she
Yes, I can see that she thinks of herself that way- yourself, Usagi, this is too both of you- but I do my best.
Empathy and sympathy are hard to convey. I'm doing my best for my very sleep deprived state.
:)SnowStars