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Prompt responses due Friday

14. Procrastination. If you had more time, you’d be able to put it off longer. What do you put off to the last moment? Why? Tell a story about how you just barely got something done in time – or didn’t.
Alternate: Splat! Use that word in a story or a poem.

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Atomic

offreadin's picture

Melanie flicked off the TV and went back to munching her cereal. The newsman's report sounded like it always did. Somebody's upset with the US and threatening nuclear attack, x number of murders occurred yesterday, somebody vaguely famous died. She sighed and shoved the last bite of cereal in her mouth. She dumped her bowl in the sink and headed to the bathroom.
She brushed her teeth, spit out the sugary mint paste and wiped her mouth. She scrutinized her face in the mirror and flopped her hair around. She had been meaning to try a new hair style but. . . Her eye caught a cute hair clip in the drawer. She brushed her hair and pulled it into a ponytail. She finished it with her hair clip. There. It was at least different. She smiled at herself in the mirror
She grabbed her book bag on the way out the door.
"Have a good day honey! Love ya!" Her mother called after her.
She grunted back something unintelligible which was taken to mean "I love you, too" and left.
She strolled out of the apartment building. The sun cut between the skyscrapers and bathed her face in its liquid gold. A smile crept onto her face and a slight breeze picked up, ruffling her hair. It was going to be a good day, she could just feel it. She breathed in deeply and smiled.
Melanie entered her high school and settled into her desk moments before the bell rang. The teacher took attendance and an unusually cheery and articulate "Here!" leaped from her lips. It really was a good day.
The first class was social studies. The teacher was talking about America's role in the world. He began to discuss the current nuclear crisis with . . . She tuned him out. She peeked over at her friend Lizzie. They made eye contact and Melanie wiggled her fingers under the desk in a minuscule wave. Lizzie wiggled her fingers back. She put her fingers to her lips, and nodded her head towards the guy in front of her. Melanie noticed a lock of hair moving with rhythmic evenness in and out, in and out. Then she heard a small noise almost like a purr. It hit her.
"He's snoring?" She mouthed, incredulously.
"Yup," Lizzie replied.
Melanie smiled.
Her day was wonderful. She aced her science test. The cafeteria had quiche (her favorite) and the new book she wanted was in at the library. She was sliding the book into her bag when the bell rang, signaling the end of the day. Pulling her bag over her shoulder, she left the building. The sky was a brilliant azure and she drank it up. She snuck a glance around her and then danced her way down the street. She just had that elated feeling that lingers from a good day.
Suddenly, an unfamiliar put-put reached her ears over the din of the city. Her brow wrinkled and she paused, trying to place the strange noise. People were looking up and she followed the direction of pointed fingers to where they met the sky. A plane was flying in toward the city, screaming against the atmosphere. Her heart began to pound. The bright metal bird glinted in the sun. She shielded her eyes against the glare and watched as the plane dropped what looked like a metal egg. Her mouth fell open and people begin to run, high heels discarded, feet pounding, arms flailing. A shiver of horror pulsed down her spine as she turned and --
A wave of heat
and pain
so much heat
and then

nothing.

offreadin's picture

Did anybody know that <3 was a heart?!?!

So, comments would be very helpful. Is the plane part too short? Is the day too long? I want to make this as powerful as possible, and any comments, no matter how odd, may be used.

NeonKiwi's picture

That

That surprised me. I was just going along reading it thinking "oh, this is happy," and then the end hit me that much harder. Well done.
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"Perfection doesn't exist, in my mind. Only greatness does." ~Geist

Geist's picture

Indeed. Have you ever heard

Indeed.

Have you ever heard of a game called Call of Duty 4?

Well, if not, the high point of the game for me is when you play a character crawling from helicopter wreckage as he watches the city around him crumble and slowly dies from radiation poisoning.

The ending brought that same intensity.

Special's picture

I really like your writing

I really like your writing style, you spent just enough time on everything and were consistant. i liked the plot twist at the end and your discriptions of the class. One thing might be, if you noticed you have staccoto (spelled right?) sentences like "She sighed and shoved the last bite of cereal in her mouth. She dumped her bowl in the sink and headed to the bathroom." I like this, but you have like, one more and then you get really descriptive. i think you should stop after "She dumped her bowl in the sink and headed to the bathroom." and get more descriptive then. this isn't pertinent, but i think it'll help the flow, either way it's up to you. <3

SnowStars's picture

Great work! My reaction at

Great work!
My reaction at the end was to feel like I was going to throw up, but that had more to do with the powerful, frightening end than bad writing.
One suggestion- I notice that near the end, you mostly speak in short sentences, almost all beginning with "She". If I were you (which, quite clearly, I am not, but still- this is hypothetical) I would change the structure of some of the sentences and add some more vivid descriptors.
Very powerful!
:)SnowStars

offreadin's picture

*edited*

Atomic- -Take 2.
I was having a lot of problems with sentence structure, and apparently it was evident. Thanks for the comments and I'm trying to fix them.

perspiciens's picture

In my opinion, I think you

In my opinion, I think you could make it mor epowerful by using less "she" everywhere. I like the piece though it could use a little more... je nes sais quoi... it's almost as if we don't know the character or situation enough to care about the bomb. The length of the plane part was good. If it was longer, it wouldn't have as much of an impact, I think. Very nice!

--perspiciens--

Ú i vethed nâ i onnad. Si boe ú-dhanna. Ae ú-esteli, esteliach nad.
-Evenstar

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