Confusing Waters

Confusing Waters

By
Josie Kerrigan
With contributions from: Noel Shumway

***
“So Miss Jennifer Walters, your test results have come back in and everything seems to be normal except one thing, but it shouldn’t be a big deal.”
“Oh, well my stomach has been having some pains lately – I didn’t know if that meant anything?”
“Well, we can do some test, but unfortunately you wont hear the results until after you come back.”
“That’s fine. I’m sure it’s just something minor anyways. Thank you for your time Dr. Phelps.
“My pleasure, tell Dean I said hi.”
***

The waves pushed us out to sea. The docks were specks of brown, and I couldn’t see him anymore. My heart was confused. It was torn between happiness and lost love; having to battle my secret- tell, or not tell. I couldn’t cry my sadness out for leaving my fiancé, for the men on the ship would think I’m weak and they already tried to do everything in their power to keep a woman off their ship.
I didn’t want to miss this opportunity, to make my name in the scientific world. But how could I do this to Dean? Leave him while we are engaged, planning to make a life together. He’ll be alright- I hope.
“Hey you, chick with the hair – give a hand with this sail would ya?” A young man piped up to break me from my daydream.
“Ya, sure” I helped hoisted the sail with ease.
“You know, I have a name- it’s Jen by the way.”
“Well ain’t that something. I have a sister named Jenny. I’m Scott.” He turned around and we made eye contact. His face looked oddly familiar. I tried to go back in time to see if his face would show up. He gave me a weird expression, like he knew me. I asked
“Don’t I know you from someplace?”
Then it clicked. Suddenly I heard his voice synchronized with mine say
“Doctor Andrews Biology Placement Class!” Wow. It had been three and half years since I had been in that class. We stared at each other, almost asking questions with our eyes.
“Scott, get your sailors hands on the rest of the sails – and you lil’ lady, get down below the cabin with the rest of your doctors,” a gruff voice said behind me.
If I had the guts I would have turned around and socked the loud mouth man, but as I spun I realized the man wore pins on his shirt and a more formal hat than the others. I decided to hold my tongue for the time being.
“Yes sir.” I spoke.
“That’s yes Caption Sawyer to you lil’ lady.” He turned and stomped off back to the top deck to the wheel. I huffed my way down to the cabin.

Captain Sawyer

“Admiral – you HAVE to be kidding me! There is no way I’m taking a bunch of bird loving techie freaks on my ship! No!”
“Captain Sawyer, on my orders, you will take your ship across the ocean to Bellingham Island and you will take your crew men to accompany you. You are the only person that knows how to get there. You will be on the trip for 3 months and set sail in two weeks whether you like it or not Captain.”
“But sir – “
“Captain, do not argue with me. What’s done is done. Gather your crew men and good luck.”
“Yes sir.”
“And Captain? One of the scientists on the ship will be a female. You will treat her with the respect she deserves, is that understood?”
“Yes…………. Sir. Understood.”

I went down to the cabin and all these men stared at me- like fresh meat. I guess my uneasiness was seen because an old man stood up and walked towards me. His eyes seemed softer then the others and his crooked smile made me feel warmer inside.
“Hello young lady. My name is Thomas Gufford. Here, let me show you to your bunk.”
I took his kindness to my heart, knowing he was a good guy and I wouldn’t come across many of them on this trip.
“Why thank you sir, I’m Jen Walters.”
He and I talked all the way up until dinner. He was a war veteran and got his degree in science 15 years ago. He had been studying this rare, endangered species of birds, only to be found on the island off the coast of Southern Africa. He had no children, but a deceased wife. I wasn’t hungry when they brought the food out. It didn’t make sense. I use to go on Uncle Ben’s sailboat for weeks at a time and never got sea sick. I could feel people staring at me – I looked up and saw Scott digging into my eyes. I could tell he wanted to talk more, so after dinner I caught up with him.
“Hey, so Scott right? You went to Boston College?”
“Yea, I was in your class. I sat behind you.” He turned towards me, almost wanting to hear a certain response.
“I’m – I’m sorry. I don’t really remember you.”
I felt ashamed. Here was this nice man who could spot me out in a crowd- and I couldn’t even remember his name. Suddenly his expression changed- softer.
“No, it’s fine. We all see hundreds of faces a day and forget about people often. I won’t hold it against you since we never did talk to each other.” He smiled at me, and we talked for the rest of the night.

Scott

So far bio looks like the national spelling bee with all these nerds. I’m the only one with a GPA less then four. My dad, being a marine biologist, talked me into taking every biology class BC had to offer. I was never a huge fan, but when the parents are paying for half of my tuition I got to do what I got to do.
Five minutes into the class and everyone’s nervous. Dr. Andrews already put people to sleep which he is famous for. In fact I was just starting to doze off when all of a sudden the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen walked through the door. The wavy brown hair matched her hazelnut eyes and her smile with those little dimples.
“Everyone, this is Jennifer Walters.”
I can tell she’s a good girl with all those books. She makes her way over to the only empty seat, which happens to be right in front of me. The beads of sweat are forming on my forehead and before long their making their way down my face. Oh man I hope she doesn’t turn around to see some nervous wreck sitting right behind her.

As he and I talked, I learned a lot about his four years at college. He was a senior in Doctor Andrews’s class when I was a freshman. He said he wanted to take every biology class at school before he graduated and that one was a new class.
“Why did you become sailor?” I asked.
“Well, I figured after I got my BA in Biology, I’d try something I actually liked. I love the ocean so I decided to give this a go.” Scott looked out onto the sea, daydreaming.
“Isn’t that a little risky?” I asked again.
“Well what’s life without a little risk?” He looked at me and smiled.
For the rest of the month, the ship ride went as smooth as the open ocean water- rough. The men clearly didn’t think having a girl on the ship would do them any good and Captain Sawyer certainly encouraged this behavior. Luckily, Mr.Gufford and Scott kept me good company while I was battling between these bullying school boy sailors, and trying not to get sick.

***
All I wanted was to tell him the truth. Tell him that everything would be alright and go back to normal when I got home. But it wouldn’t. Everything is going to change now. He’ll have to choose between being settled or being free. This was suppose to be planned, a combined decision. Now it’s just me. I don’t know what happens after this, where we go from here. Would telling the truth ruin everything? Perhaps our love is deeper than that. Is it deeper? How can I know I love this man? My horrors are over throwing my common sense. I need to focus. Just let it go. Forget it. The truth can wait until I come back. All I have to do is wait.
***

I’m sick. The men on the ship know I’m throwing up often enough to question the food they eat at dinner. I was leaning over the bow of the ship when someone’s soft feet cam up behind me.
“You’ve been getting sick quite often Jen, is something wrong? Nerves, sea sickness, perhaps love sickness?” Thomas Gufford asked with nervousness rising in his voice.
“No! Why would you think that? I’m – just, you know.. queasy. Noth - nothing major Thomas don’t worry about it.” I said stumbling over my words, which didn’t really help my case.
“It doesn’t seem like everything is fine if you’re throwing up every six hours and your eyes won’t look into mine.” He said changing from nervous to gentle, soothing.
It was like he knew, but how? It wasn’t noticeable, so how could this man possibly know the truth? He’s just playing mind tricks with me, I know he is.
“I’m fine, really. Just jumpy for when we get to the island and research. I’m fine!” I walked away fast, trying to escape this uncomfortable questioning. I was heading down to the cabin, almost free of Thomas’s uncertainty, when a small voice behind me shot my ears.
“What are you going to name it if it’s a boy?”
My ears stung, my heart pierced and my brain twisted. I turned slowly, with the most utter, lost look.
“What did you say?” I knew what he said. I just didn’t want to believe it.
“I said, what are you going to name your child if it is a boy?” Thomas said slower, more positive in a sad, regretful way.

****
I looked down. I looked back up in the smudged mirror. Me? Now? This cant be! I am always careful. How can it be positive? No! It can’t be real. This is a nightmare – an illusion. I’m leaving tomorrow for three months. How can I be on a ship? Dean! What will he think? What’s wrong with me?! Thousands of questions swirled about my head. On this exact moment I know my life has changed forever. I can’t rewind or erase the lines – they are there. What will I do!? I can’t tell, the doctor would never let me go and what would Dean say? No. I can’t tell. This has to be my own secret- for now. I won’t tell anyone I’m pregnant.
****

“I- I…” I stuttered. How? I have never told anyone.
“Now, now –I’m an old man. Just because I never had children doesn’t mean I haven’t seen my share of secret mothers. I can spot out a cry of loneliness when I see one. It’s alright; your secret is safe with me.” Thomas walked closer – now more in a father figure way and less in a friend way. I let him embrace me and he let me cry on his shoulder.

Dean
The word fiancé sounds so good. I don’t know if I’m supposed to miss mine but I don’t. It’s not like the wedding has to be right away. Who knows I might enjoy this new found freedom. I can get work done, eat pizza and drink beer. I can catch up with old friends and meet new ones. Of course I’d have to wait till the phone stopped ringing.
Trust falls under being able to tell each other things. I felt betrayed, she never told me, knowing how long we’d be apart. I was on the phone with Rob, my college roommate who also happened to be doing tests on Jen which can be kind of awkward in the first place. When he mentioned, thinking I knew what was happening to my fiancé, “ the sickness was normal with a baby on the way” the phone hit the floor with a loud thud and not long after that I did the same except with a little bit louder ending.
I always went to the hospital for work, but this time was different as I woke up there and not because I was struggling with long hours.

The next morning the clouds were darker, almost like the sun had just set. The sailors were silent, all knowing that something wasn’t good up ahead.
“Scott... Scott! Hey, what’s going on?” I asked.
“Well, apparently Captain Sawyer got a message saying that we are headed right into a storm and not your lazy one- nope. She’s gonna be a ripper!”
“Oh, well that shouldn’t be too bad right? I mean, that’s what this boat was made for- open ocean storms.” I said positively, trying not to show my concern.
“Ah, you could look at it like that- but this storm is big- really big. So it’s either turn around or face the daring winds and possibly be stuck on the island for a few extra days if any repairs are needed.” He said.
“We are not turning back. No way! I’ve waited my whole life to go on a trip like this and so have the others. No way are we turning back now!” I said, surprisingly strong-willed. I signed up for this right after I got out of college. I planned my life around this. If this trip was going to be over now, I wouldn’t know what do.
“Well, for once it looks like Captain Sawyer agrees because he hasn’t given us orders to turn back around, so I guess we are going to that island of yours- and probably shipwrecked.” He looked at me and smiled, in a teasing, but almost loveable way. I couldn’t resist, but to smile back a bigger and longer smile.
The water was crashing up against the boards of the ship. Its vicious waves taunted us by ever so slightly tipping us over. The Zephyr 210 rocked back and forth like a cradle on high gears. The sailors on deck were being swallowed by the water and screams pierced the evil dark night; inch by inch, every second ticking by. I had never been so sick.
The boat creaked and wobbled to the bay of Bellingham’s Island. The storm had taken its toll on the ship- breaking boards like twigs, ripping sails off like wet paper. It reminded me of a wounded war soldier, stumbling to its safety ground. It was a terrible storm. Bigger and more terrifying then I could imagine. You could see the regret and shame on Captain Sawyers face with what he put his ship through. These repairs were obviously not a “couple days extra” work, but a month or two of hard labor. Even Scott looked rather disappointed in the way the boat looked. Thomas and I both glanced at each other with the same expression. Delight that we will be here longer to research the birds, but sorry that it risked the boats conditions and peoples lives.
“You five! Hoist what is ever left of that sail and aim mighty. Come into the bay smooth, but strong. Our ship has been through a lot- we’ll make Mother Nature feel sorry for us!” Captain Sawyer roared. He was furious and not in the mood to talk to anyone- just give orders.
Once we landed, Thomas, me and the rest of the scientists unloaded our cargo and supplies for our voyage, and let the sailors get their work started.
“Will you be coming onto the island for dinner?” I asked Scott
“I don’t know Jen- I’d be surprised if Captain Sawyer lets us off this ship at all while we are here. Don’t worry, I’ll come find you if we do.” He said looking into me, deeper than I thought.
Some strain wanted me to pull for Scott to come, but I didn’t know why. I don’t love him, he’s just a friend. Dean is back home anxiously waiting for me. Don’t get distracted Jen! Thomas looked on- rather curiously, but I shook it off and walked with the rest to the campsite.
The sailors never left the ship for the rest of that week. I would go down to the shoreline to watch them attempt to repair the sides and sails, but little progress was seen. Scott saw me a few times and waved. Being polite, I kindly waved back. Thomas and I found great facts and photos of a rare species of bird. Time flew by. Hours turned into days, which turned into weeks. We all knew it was taking longer than expected. Then, one day one of the life boats came to the shore. All the sailors, Captain Sawyer and Scott came out and walked to the campground. We all gathered around, as the dreary, red-eyed tired men stumbled along the pathway. Something pushed me- pushed me right into Scott as I tenderly hugged him- held him. His arms wrapped around mine, and we were frozen. Not knowing who wanted to let go first, who wanted to let go at all.
We all sat around the campfire sharing stories, feeling for once like a family. The damages to the boat were severe enough to delay our trip two extra months. We were shocked. I had no idea. I mean, we couldn’t write letter since no postal service was around. Deep down I knew we were staying much later then expected and I didn’t care. I hadn’t thought about Dean or what he’s thinking about me not coming home for at least another month. I was completely oblivious, and it scared me. How can someone just forget about their fiancé? Or that they have a baby inside, but for a moment, forgetting it exists. What’s wrong? Is this love- truly? I was so confused and that made me feel sick. I said goodnight to everyone and prepared to board back on the ship the next morning. Thomas gave me a long look, the look of knowing. I knew he was trying to tell me to tell my secret. But why? Scott. I had to tell him. Was it the right thing to do? I had a month to figure this out- just relax Jen. Relax.
I had so many countless times I could have told Scott the truth. We went on “walks” on the boat and were always talking. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth. Thomas kept pushing me, coaching me- but it was like every time I was inches from the goal. Finally, one night Captain Sawyer said we’d be in New York tomorrow morning. I was stunned. Already? Why so soon? It was now or never. After the announcement I found Scott, pacing.
“Jen! I need to talk to you.” He said nervously.
“I need to talk to you too” I said –now feeling awful with every moment slowly ticking by.
“Jen, at college- I saw you everyday. You were beautiful and smart and I wanted to talk to you in the worst way. But I couldn’t. I was scared. I’m not scared anymore. Captain Sawyer gave me an offer to go on another boat expedition for a year. But I don’t want to take it, because I want to be with you when we get back to New York. Jen, I –”
“Scott! Stop! Please- stop!” I can’t do this anymore! I’m – I’m- I’m pregnant!”
His words whirling in my head, were now mashing with mine. I couldn’t listen to him say anymore, it would hurt even more.
“What..?” he said, holding me now- as my tears began to fall down my face.
“I’m pregnant Scott. I have been since the beginning of this trip. I have…. I have a fiancé back home.” I was crying. Not because I was relieved to finally tell the truth- but because I broke his heart. I broke my heart. I’d have to go back home, forgetting this ever happened, and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. He let go- betrayed.
“Scott- I’m sorry! I just –” He wouldn’t let me go farther. He backed up, hurt and anger rising up in his eyes.
“I… leave tomorrow for that trip I guess. Goodnight Ms. Walters.” he turned around, heading to his bunk.
“Scott please! Wait!” I cried, but he just kept walking.
I deserved this. I really did. But it just wasn’t fair.
“There there Jenny. It’s okay. Let it out.” Thomas came out from the shadows and swallowed me into his hug- knowing I needed the maximum comfort he could offer.
The next day, I didn’t see Scott at all. I tried seeing him, but everyone told me he was sick and not feeling well enough to see anyone. New York was on the horizon- my past. As the boat docked, I saw a familiar figure approaching- Dean. He walked stiffly, but smiling. I told Thomas to keep in touch and write often. With one last hug I said goodbye and slowly left the boat, into Dean’s arms.
The car ride was awkwardly silent. I didn’t know what was wrong with Dean. He is normally a chatterbox, but today he was different. He looked distracted. When we got home I unpacked. The next couple of weeks were silently heartbreaking. We talked like two normal people, but never like we were in love. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. I had to stop sneaking around and just tell Dean the truth.
“Dean, is something wrong?” I asked.
“Yes, Jen there actually is. When were you planning on telling me you were pregnant?”
Oh no. He found out! What am I suppose to say?
“Dean... I-” I didn’t know what else to say.”
“Jen, when you were gone I was happy to be a bachelor again. I don’t know if the one you love should keep secrets this big from the other. Then it dawned on me. Do you really love me?” He looked me straight in the face. I had no response, so he kept going.
“Your doctor called a few days after you left to tell me you were pregnant. Can you imagine, some roommate telling me my fiancé is pregnant before she does! It broke me Jen. I don’t know if I want this.”
I was panicking. What did I want? These past couple of weeks all I could think about was Scott. I missed him so much and in such a deeper feeling then I had for Dean. Is this what true love is suppose to feel like? No. I loved Scott’s smile, how he looked at me and how he treated me. That is love.
“I don’t know if I want this either.” I said. I looked at him, and we knew. We had both lied to each other. Instead, we loved the idea of the other person, rather than deeper down. My head wasn’t so confused anymore. It was clearing up – not so foggy.

Scott
How could you love and hate someone so much. I cared about her more then anything in the whole world. I had finally let my guard down just to get slapped in the face. The last day on the boat was horrendous. She probably thought I was faking sick but, I was really sick to my stomach. How could I possibly love her again?
The next year was the worst of my life. Hong Kong was lame. We were barely allowed off the boat to explore the city. All I could think about was her. I felt like I was seeing her everywhere and if I wasn’t seeing her I was wishing I was.
I have to tell her I love her. I don’t care if she’s married, she has to know. The world needs to know.

A long, year went by. My beautiful baby boy was giggling and laughing as I held him on the side of the dock. I had been waiting for this day since I said I didn’t love Dean anymore. There. I saw it. I saw the Zephyr 210 in the distance. Where it all had started- where he was. I wanted to just jump into the water and swim to him. I started pacing, bouncing my baby up and down, keeping him entertained as I was freaking out. The boat came closer and closer. I squinted and looked, frantically looking for him. Where was he?

Finally New York was in the distance. Everyone was on the deck watching, looking for family. I stood and looked out wishing someone would be there for me so I wouldn’t be all alone. As we neared I saw all the women and children, but one stuck out.
“JEN!!!! JEN!!!”

A voice came yelling from the distance. Scott. He yelled. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but I saw him. There he was.

There she was. I saw her. She was waiting for me, with a baby. I didn’t care anymore; I just wanted to be with her now. The boat felt like it was going slower then ever before. Come on! Faster!

He came closer and then the boat was here, right here.

I couldn’t wait for the boat to be tied, for the ramp to be put down. I had to be with her now!

He climbed down the railing and jumped onto the docks. I watched him as he came closer and-

I stood up. I walked towards her.

I stared into his eyes.
I stared into her eyes.

“Jen, I love you.”