Breaking Her Halo

The snow falls heavily around the eviscerated car. My swollen eyelids struggle to flutter open, but when I finally manage to pry them open, I regret it instantly. My hair is hanging limply above me, just barely touching the dented roof of the car.  It takes me a moment to understand what I am seeing through my stinging eyes, but then I understand. I am hanging upside down, suspended in midair from my seatbelt, in the front seat of my sister’s car. My body is stiff and sore, as if I’ve just done a ninety-minute workout. I am bleeding from somewhere on my head, I can’t tell where. I turn my head slowly, my vision clouding at the edges from the pain that shoots through my neck. Through the musty darkness of the car’s cabin, I can see the crumpled, lifeless body of Avery. My big sister. I struggle to say her name, to get her to hear me, but nothing comes out. I bring my arm up to unclip my seatbelt, wincing at the pain in my shoulder. After several attempts my finger finally finds the button to release me and I drop out of my seat like a stone, landing on my back and knocking the wind out of my already struggling lungs. Darkness flashes before my eyes and I push it away, thinking only of getting to Avery.
My muscles scream as I pull myself towards her. She looks broken; her arms and legs twisted at all the wrong angles. Her blond hair has fallen over her forehead, and I reach out with a shaking hand to brush it away. She’s not bleeding. I look into her eyes for any sign of life, but instead I am shocked to see that the whites of her eyes are now blood red, like the cheesy cartoon devils on the shows we used to watch as kids. Her lips are blue. A broken angel. I cover my mouth with my hand to keep from crying out. My eyes cloud over again, but this time with tears. I cry for my big sister; I cry for my mom and my dad. I cry for all of the goodbyes I never got to say, and all the I love you’s that I never replied to. I cry for my little brother, who will never know what it is like to ask his big sister for help with his math homework. I cry for my cat, my fish, and my best friend. I cry for all of the people that I’ve met and all the people that I could have met. I cry for everything that used to be and everything that could have been. I cry.
When my tears run dry, I realize how much I hurt. My whole body screams for release from the pain. My breaths come in short bursts, and my heart seems to be on the verge of exploding. My temples throb and pressure pounds behind my temples. I try to calm myself down my taking deep breaths, but it doesn’t work, and my swollen eyelids start to grow heavy. I snap them open, terrified. No. No! It’s not my time! I don’t want to go! I scream in my mind, hating what’s bound to come. At that moment, I hate God more than I have ever hated anything in my life. I hate Him for letting this happen. I hate Him for taking Avery away from us, and for trying to take us both from our family and friends. I don’t know what we did to deserve this. I can hear sirens in the distance. My legs are shaking from fear and the cold. My hands are numb. My entire being is in pain. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t fight. My eyelids fall shut, defeated. My breathing slows and I can no longer hear the sounds of police sirens. What they say is true; about seeing your life before your eyes. I see flashes of family dinners around the table, Christmas mornings, going trick-or-treating, seeing who can stay under water the longest in the pool in my best friend’s backyard, holding my baby brother for the first time, my first day of elementary school, the last day of junior year. I wanted to be Valedictorian of my graduating class. I relive my first high school dance. My first kiss. I hear my parents tell me they love me. My sister telling me she is proud of me. Laughing so hard that I cry. Through all of these memories, there is an overwhelming feeling of love. All of the love and calm and happiness and pride that I have ever felt is rushing back at me through all of these flashes of memories. My body is numb. My breathing is so low and slow that it is barely making my chest rise anymore. Through the silence I hear Avery call my name, and I open my eyes. There she is, standing in the snow outside the car, grinning ear to ear. Her blond hair is sleek and clean. Her clothes are new and fresh. Even from a distance I can see the happiness and calm in her crystal blue eyes. She looks beautiful. She reaches her hand towards me. “Let’s go home, Punk.” she says.  I am still reaching for her hand when one last breath shudders through my lips.
My.
Heart.
Stops.
 
 

 

Brookt

VT

YWP Alumni