No Color At All
She lived in a shack
No windows
No chips
No texture at all.
She liked to wear black
No stripes
No dots
No color at all.
She didn't like people
Not girls
Not boys
No people at all.
She kept her door locked
No company
No friends
No people at all.
The town stayed away,
Were scared of her land
So they let her live
She let them stand.
So the town
Gathered 'round
When the door unlocked
She stepped out to the crowd
To play her punk rock
Then died on curb
The crowd was in shock.
But she left them a note
That was stuffed in her sock
She said she was disappointed
They never once even tried
They avoided her often
And that's why she died.
She'd always wanted friends
A boy or
A girl.
One telephone call,
Just one friend,
That's all.
But that was the problem:
She wasn't ready at all
She didn't have anyone
To support her fall.
Sometimes she surrendered
And even when she tried
She couldn't get herself back
And that's why she died.
- Poet_Jessica's blog
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sorry this is so poorly
sorry this is so poorly written. i had a brilliant idea for a poem, then it sort of fell apart. any critiquing?
__________________________
"Fall down again Bella?"
"No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face."
Actually, I like the
Actually, I like the rhythym, and the story is quite powerful. It's just that sometimes you switch from your four-line verse into three- and six-line, which breaks the flow for me.
It's definitely a great start, though. The simplicity draws you in.
Not poor! i like it, just
Not poor! i like it, just the part that changes pace could be swifter or more fluid. Also watch the rhymes for fear of growing cheesey.
wonderful thought!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I've decided that as long as I was going to Hell,
I might as well do it thoroughly."
-Edward Cullen, Twilight
thanks
whoa. a comment from Geist AND Special! i am honored.
yeah it is sort of choppy. i am trying to figure out how to smooth it out. i have yet to stumble upon the magic phrase that will tie it all together.
__________________________
"Fall down again Bella?"
"No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face."
you're welcome
You should feel Special!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I've decided that as long as I was going to Hell,
I might as well do it thoroughly."
-Edward Cullen, Twilight
:)
teehee i do now
__________________________
"Fall down again Bella?"
"No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face."
It's an honor to critique
It's an honor to critique work of the most talented writing minds of Vermont's youth.
Think about the main theme- emptiness? Loneliness? Sociophobia? That may help bring up a good tie-together.
Thanks.... I'll try to
Thanks.... I'll try to figure it out.
__________________________
"Fall down again Bella?"
"No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face."