Naif

Cruel cycle.

I was mad, and felt alone.
You talked to her, not me.
I was sad, but you didn't see;
you looked at her, not me.
Cruel cycle.

If it's just us
then you're my best friend.
And I love you for that.
I love you for that.
I love you.

We talk, and we believe we are lost
Dumb map.

60 miles left. Ride,
and talk to me.
My friend,
for now.

Part 3:

I'm taller, but who cares

in my mind, for now, we are equals.

Our elbows touch.
On purpose.
You think I don't notice

but I watch you move closer.
And in that moment,

I was 12 again.
Cruel cycle.

Smile, talk, laugh.
Will the boat
to slow down.

My arm smells good

You pat my back

and my expectations come flooding back.

Your hand rests on my shoulder for the briefest moment
then you move away.

And I pretend not to care.

But like a magnet, I want to follow.
and maybe you feel it too

because you step back up next to me
and our elbows brush again.

Squished in the back seat
of a full car
I slump,
rest my head on the seat back.

It's cold, I say.
Move closer, I think.

It's April 2nd.

nothing.

Home.
Did you know how hard I tried?
More than my arm
And I wore nice jeans
even though my legs hurt too much to walk far in them.

For you, but I bet you didn't notice.
Cruel cycle.

I think you're about as receptive as a doorknob.

I stood.
My legs killed.
I stood.

The couch looked squishy,
but I stood

and I sent the strongest mental messages I could
like we were in 4th grade
and on the bus again.
Cruel cycle.

INVITE ME TO SIT DOWN, YOU DOLT.
APRIL 2ND.

It doesn't get much easier than that.

But as hard as it is for me

this is your battle
and I won't fight it for you.
I won't resist,
but I won't surrender before the war has even begun.

I'm tired of that.

Cruel cycle.

I left.

nothing.

And I know that on Tuesday,
things will be back to how they were before.

As in
her,
and not me.

Why can't I learn?

Cruel cycle.