The Crossroads (A History Assignment)

(This is a rough draft of an assignment I got in history. We were to have a dialogue between a Minoan, an Egyptian and a Jewish Person to demonstrate our knowledge of the cultures. I thought you guys might appreciate it.)

Minoan: How ironic it is that us three travelers from three different lands should meet on this three-way crossroads.

Egyptian: I don’t think “ironic” is the word you’re looking for. It’s odd that I can correct your English despite that we all speak completely different languages that died out long before modern English even existed.

Jew: Well actually, my language is still in use in the modern wor—

Egyptian: Shut up, Jew!

Jew: But I—

Egyptian: In my land, when a filthy Jew speaks directly to an Egyptian, we don’t let him sleep until he’s done the full day’s work of seven men.

Jew: I actually know that, as I’ve come from your land, despite that we came from completely different directions.

Egyptian: Oh yes, that is odd.

Minoan: Well, uh… what is your business traveling through this crossroads?

Jew: I’m am on a mission from my still-developing God to spread his word to the heathen savages who defy His word.

Egyptian: You heathen savages have Gods?

Jew: In fact, it’s just one God.

Egyptian: That is so inordinantly retarded. Mainly because—

Jew: Hey, watch it! I just might make my God really warlike so he’ll kill your freakin’ kids!

Egyptian: I’m not done!! Your God is retarded because I am a Priest of my huge pantheon. I know for a fact that my God’s are a fact! And you know why?

Jew: Why?

Egyptian: We pray for the flood to happen, and it happens every year. When the river floods poorly, we just rationalize that by saying we angered the river God. How do you possibly rationalize bad things with just one God?

Jew: The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Egyptian: That is such a glorious load of bullshit!

Jew: Oh yeah?! More than your little petty polytheistic Gods?

Egyptian: Oh yeah! Like your “God” isn’t petty.

Jew: Well… uh… he’s… really… opinionated? Fine! He’s really petty. Freakin’ sue me!

Minoan: Let’s all just calm down for a second…

Egyptian: Yeah? Calm down, should we? What magical invisible beings do you glorify beyond reason?

Minoan: Well, we like the bull a lot. Bull’s are manly, and we Minoans are… manly? And then there’s this topless goddess with snakes wrapped around her arms…

Jew: Congratulations on having the lamest Gods EVAR!!

Egyptian: Yeah really. You’re really lame. Do you at least have some really awesome wars?

Minoan: Uhm… not really. We just kind of play violent games to vent our violent tendancies.

Jew: LAME! In fact, you’re so lame, my God, YHWH will kill you right now. I’m a prominent member of my church and he loves killing, so that shouldn’t be a problem for Him. Kill him now!

Egyptian: (After a very long and awkward pause) Have fun waiting to die. I’m out.

Minoan: Yeah… I’m gonna go too…

Jew: Why does everyone hate me so much? I have absolutely no religious problems!