"I would cut my mouth if it meant I could swallow the world."
When you said that all those years ago, I laughed it off. I thought you were joking, that it was another Eila thing. I didn't notice your face then. Your eyes were hard, jaw set. Your hand trembled, but I didn't see that either.
When you were admitted to that mental hospital, everyone was whispering. You dropped out of school and I couldn't walk home with you. I worried that you'd finally gone too far, cut too deep. You knew I could never stop you with my words and I could never touch you. I didn't want to hurt you, but instead, you hurt yourself.
I saw you again a year later. I'd moved on, or so I thought. I found different friends, ones who didn't have histories with eating disorders, schizophrenia, or self-harming tendencies. When I saw you again, my eyes widened. The whole hall quieted as you moved through, people making a path for you. Our eyes met and mine widened.
Your eyes were dead.
You still bounded over to me, a false life replacing the gruesome truth. You smiled and I could see your teeth were an off-white but still cared for. Your dimples were as deep as ever, your freckles light on your skin. Your hair was full and a dyed green, so bright against your black roots. You looked so...alive.
You hugged me so tightly, the squeeze saying all the words you needed. I missed you. I'm glad you're here. I can count on you. I'm not alone anymore.
You had faith in me.
I had lost it a long time ago.
You pulled me to the bathroom, pulled me into a stall. You took off your sweatshirt and stood in front of me without a word. I didn't touch you willingly, you had to guide my hand over everything. Your ribs. Your thick scars running over your arms. Fresh scratches as you clawed at your skin from a nightmare. I swallowed.
"I'm still here, Leif," you said softly, "my scars say so."
I pulled my hand from your grip and ran out of that bathroom. I could hear your laughter from down the hall as I got as far away from you as I could. I didn't see you for the rest of the day.
I saw on the news later that night that you'd committed suicide. You left a note before you took those pills, drank those bottles. They read the contents aloud, something I'd never heard them do.
"As much as you want me to be gone,
I am always here.
You can never be rid of a curse,
and I promise to swallow the world."
I turned off the TV, ran to my room, and sobbed. I felt a hand on my shoulder, tensed, and turned. You looked at me from down the hall, your smile genuine but your eyes dead.
"Leif, I'm going to never leave you alone." Your voice was everywhere. Your eyes closed as you smiled, and when they opened again, your eyes were empty holes. Your teeth were falling out, coated with vomit as you forced yourself to puke up the nothing you'd eaten all day. Blood dripped from where you thought a cut looked best, staining my carpet for years to come.
Your laughter haunted me and still does.
uh before i get comments asking if im okay, i am, i'm just kinda tired and wanted to write something edgy. think of this as an experiment, maybe? i'm not used to second person. i'm also looking at pastel gore so im kinda inspired. i've been reading gory comics/manga recently so maybe that too. also i borrowed the name 'leif' from fire emblem and ive never heard anyone else named leif so yeah. my boy deserves another game.
this is also inspired from the line "she is haunted by something she cannot define" (Cake - "The Distance") although it took a turn.
good night y'all bc it's 11 pm and i have dnd tomorrow. sleep well