Sep 09

coming out

when I settle with my thoughts and let them consume me, I often think about awkward or stupid things I've done before. these things are usually silly and unimportant; I shouldn't even be worrying over them. but lately, I've been thinking about something I'm pretty sure isn't silly. I'm pretty sure it is important and that I should be worrying about it...

we were walking down the street. it was dark and many people were also walking. walking and talking and living. we were on our way to an outdoor concert. "there are young people here." you said something and it took me a moment to understand what exactly you had said. that moment of silence hovered like thick fog until I realized. emotions flooded my chest. I wanted to hug you, to tell you how happy I was for you, to tell you I love you and support you and that I'm proud of you. I wanted you to smile and hug me back and then listen to me ask the questions and have you answer them and all the while we're laughing.

instead, I said, "uh-huh..." and then stayed silent. I knew you were looking at me, probably waiting for more. probably waiting for that hug, that endless stream of questions, that smile. instead, I stared at the ground and remained quiet. you said some more things that I don't quite remember. you'd told your mom.you asked if I knew already.

then, the concert was in front of us. the music was loud. so loud, I couldn't hear you or even myself. all the questions I wanted to ask and thoughts I wanted to speak aloud were lost in the incredible sound. we danced on the edge of the crowd. everyone was older than us. they were all drunk or high or both. smoke hung in the rafters of the outdoor... I don't even know what it was. an eating area of some sort with an open floor and a hundred people. we danced and laughed. "we're on a boat!" I forgot all about our walk there and I forgot about all the things I wish id said and done. I forgot, but only for a moment.

like I said, I've been thinking about this a lot. especially when you told me how others responded. I felt bad. I felt like a shitty person. I don't know why I didn't respond the way I wish I had. I would blame it on awkwardness, but we both know I'm not very awkward. I was surprised, sure. but it was a happy kind of surprise. id say I blanked, but I didn't' my mind was full of words and thoughts and questions. so if you're wondering why I don't know. I have no excuse. I wish we could do it again. I wish you would tell me again like it was the first time, and I could act how I wanted to. 

in the end, I have no idea if you were upset or not at my reaction. I have no idea if you cared. if you thought I didn't support you. I do. I do support you. and i love you. and I'm sorry. and I love you.

-the night you came out to me