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Suicidal Fear
I had pictured this moment so many times before in my head, so that now that it is actually in front of me, at my fingertips, it almost doesn't seem real.
There is a slight breeze, faintly ruffling my fair hair. It would probably make a good photo op, like the models who have fans put by the camera to make their hair look wind touched. Nothing in their pictures is ever genuine. Is anything?
It's so high up. I can see everything below me. Tiny specks.
There was that saying, that if you dropped a coin off the top of the Empire State Building and it hit a person walking by, it would kill them. Myth Busters probably did an episode on that, but it's too late to go back and watch it. It's too late to see if it's true or not. Too late for anything.
I take a small step forward.
I have wanted this for so long. Not because I am unhappy, not because I want to die. Because I don't. I don't want to die. I fear death in a way I cannot explain. When I picture this moment, I see faces before my eyes that beg me to back off the ledge. But I just want - need - to know what it's like. Need to know what it's like that very last second. It is a desire that has overpowered my soul since I can remember, a curiosiy that quite literally killed the cat.
This is it.
I take my last step forward, and I am falling
fallingfalling.
The first second is overwhelming. My stomach drops as my body does, but that is the only unenjoyable aspect of what I am doing.
I let go of the rope attached to my harness and swing my legs up, intertwining them for dear life on the rope. Even with my body stretched out like this, perpendicular to the ground, I am nowhere near touching it. I am flying horizontally away from the climbing wall from where I jumped.
As my ride on the zip line comes to a slow, I am grabbed by someone and directed to the ladder.
"How was it?!"
Too many words rush through my body: amazing, beautiful, breathtaking, stunning...
My hands sweat with adrenaline as I shakily unclip the carabiners.
I want to cry.
Never have I experienced such a thing. Never have I understood what it meant to die. Never have I fulfilled such a strong desire.
Never has abandoning fear left me so breathless.
- 909 of 910
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Upsetting expectations
Magz,
Wonderful approach to this story! From the title and the opening paragraphs I formed an expectation about your piece, and it was in upsetting that expectation that you completely won me over.
There's an overarching sense of peace in your story, which given the expectation (and also the ending, though I didn't realize it until I reached it) is very powerful for your reader. However, in a couple places I felt as though perhaps you were trying to write faster than your words could get onto the page, and the result was that I felt a little hurried and uneasy in reading. Try reading if over to yourself, slowly, and see if you can find the places where this sensation appears. Was this how you felt before the jump? If so, perhaps it's right to keep that emotion available, but I think the calm is most effective in holding your reader's attention and I would try to emphasize that.
You do have a number issue in your second paragraph in the sentence "Nothing in their pictures are ever genuine"; nothing is singular, so the "are" should be "is." The rest of the piece seems pretty clean to me.
Your closing paragraph left me wondering... why did you have such a need to experience the moment of death? What did you take away from this moment, from living through death? Has it changed you at all, has it brought something new to your understanding of life? I'm not sure these are questions you need to explicitly answer in your piece (though perhaps you could leave hints for your readers to find), but they are certainly answers I'd be curious to know and will haunt me long after reading this story.
Overall-- great work! And I loved the addition of the photograph.
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you."
-Jean-Paul Sartre
Thanks soo much for the
Thanks soo much for the feedback! I'll work on this ASAP.
Eva-
Sorry it took so long to get around to fixing this (stupid midterms!)
I attempted to make the changes, but I'm not sure if it satisfies your suggestions. Please let me know what you think now. I feel like some parts are still choppy, but I can't exactly tell where. Your help is greatly appreciated!!
Magzdoodle
Say - have you considered submitting this to the fear prompt?
I absolutely adore it, by the way. So much so that I started to feel nauseous just waiting for that moment you're describing. Don't worry, though - in a good way. :)
The picture adds so much, as well.
/gradster(1)/ - still feeling sick
Secretary of Bureaucracy, ASAP.
http://nmhwu.wordpress.com/
-A
Aw, thanks gradster! And I
Aw, thanks gradster!
And I didn't even think about submitting this, but now that you mention it, it sounds like a good idea! (Will they still accept it even though submissions were due yesterday?)
No problem, Magzdoodle.
And probably... Mr. Gevalt could help you on that one; you should send him an email.
/gradster(1)/ - testing
Secretary of Bureaucracy, ASAP.
http://nmhwu.wordpress.com/
-A
Great work! The edits
Great work! The edits definitely help.
There was just one thing I noticed this time -- in the sixth paragraph, you write "I see faces before my eyes that beg me to step off the ledge." I was a little confused by this -- I think you mean step back from the edge and not over it, but the first time I read it I thought that maybe the faces were urging you to jump?
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you."
-Jean-Paul Sartre
Eva:
Oh yeah, great catch, you're completely right. Thanks!
I really like this phrase:
I really like this phrase: "but it's too late to go back and watch it. It's too late to see if it's true or not. Too late for anything." It's powerful, it's not direct, which MAKES it powerful, and it's just so exciting. Very well written. I love the suspense and drama.
GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!
§ambo
(Translucent Roses)