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Pain

Submitted by 4linz.lu on Tue, 02/10/2009 - 7:16pm

Pain

the icy tip
tore open
a hole in
my burning flesh

the darkness
sunk lower
and lower
as the wound opened

a twisting force
was eating
my insides
and replacing them
with hurt

my eyes closed
I wanted
it over
to stop

for a second
my mind
let go
and i couldn't
feel
the pain

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line breaks

Submitted by mnickels on Tue, 02/10/2009 - 7:42pm.

I appreciate the use of line breaks in this piece because it's always good to end a line with a noun or verb. The shortness of each line as well as the breakage of stanzas is also admirable- it sets the tone for a jabbing kind of pain that I feel like the content is trying to describe. One note for suggestion-- what kind of pain is it that the narrator is experiencing? I feel that the title does not do the poem justice. My suggestion would be to make the title be whatever kind of pain this person is experiencing.

wow! thanks! I'll definetely

Submitted by 4linz.lu on Tue, 02/10/2009 - 7:55pm.

wow! thanks! I'll definetely take your comments into consideration.