Dear Daughter
By Jessica Glodgett
Lake Region Union High School, Grade 12
Dear Daughter,
There are so many things that I still want to see you do as you grow up, but I cannot. I figured I would be writing this letter when I was 100 years old, and it would be given to you from the man who has done my will. I am writing this letter now because I am not sure of how long I will live. Today I was told that I have only a month. I haven’t seen you in over four years. I am not going to force you to come see as I lay dying in my bed. Even though I want to see you and apologize for all of the things I have done wrong in your life, I would rather have your memory of me be a pleasant one.
I still remember the day your mother and I took you from the hospital. I was so afraid that I was going to screw up your life, and I guess I did but it didn’t happen until years later. I don’t remember exactly why you have chosen not to talk to me, but I know it has to be a good reason. We were so close when you were young, probably because I wasn’t around that much. Bad things happen sometimes, and they can’t be fixed with a simple, “Sorry.”
I know I wasn’t there for you while you were growing up, but you must know that I was doing it all for you. I wanted you to have a good life. I wanted you to have everything that I didn’t. I would have given you the world if I could have. I get depressed when I think about what you had to go through when you were growing up.
Every day I think about calling you. I need to know how I can make things better in your life. I want to be in your life. But now I lay dying, so they have told me, and I can’t think of anything to call and tell you. Everything I say comes out wrong. I never knew the right thing to say.
I wish I could change everything. I want us to have a good relationship. I hope you know that I never meant for this to happen. I don’t realize when I am doing something to screw up a relationship. Your mother and my relationship fell apart for many reasons, and I don’t want ours to turn out that way.
I know that saying I’m sorry isn’t going to change anything, but I want you to know that I truly am sorry. I know I wasn’t the best father. I know that things got out of hand. Now I know that none of the fights we had were worth it. I lost you in my life but I don’t want you to hate me forever.
One thing I am sorry the most about is the day I told you that I didn’t care you were going to move to your mother’s house. I didn’t think everything through. I figured you were only going down for college and would move back as soon as you were done. I never thought you were serious about being there. After the reality of the situation sunk in, I cried. I didn’t realize the words that I was saying were so hurtful and untrue. I was angry at the fact that you were leaving me. I know you needed to grow up and move away, but I wasn’t ready for it. No father wants to see his daughter grow up and become a new person whom he doesn’t know. I felt alone. I’m sure you felt the same way, but we never talked about it — another problem we have. I didn’t know how to tell you that I wanted you to be with me. I wanted you to still be the little girl who I played hide and seek with. I wanted you to still need me to save you from the monsters in your bedroom. I needed to have some closure on the little girl that you once were. Time went by so fast. I didn’t know what to do about it. I handled it the wrong way, and now I know that. I am sorry for that.
I’m writing this letter to apologize for all of the things I have done to you. For all of the birthday parties I missed. For all of the soccer games I didn’t see. For all the sleepovers I wasn’t there to chaperone. For every camp out I never forced you to go on with the family. I am sorry. I am sorry from the bottom of my broken heart. I hope that you may find it in your heart to forgive me for all of the terrible things I have done to you. I never meant to hurt you or anyone else for that matter. I love you.
Love,
Your Father
