The Art of Carving Gay Pumpkins

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artisticthoughts's picture
The strong smell of men's aftershave
easily masks the coppery smell
of blood
and I sit here,
watching the constant red stream
twist down the porcelin tub
and into the drain
where it will never be seen
again.
 
The water sprinkling down on me
leaves me feeling peaceful
and at ease,
my father cannot get me here
where I sit with a razor blade
and the only person
who can hurt me
is me.
 
Lucious pain laces through my arm
as I lean against cold porcelin
and watch my precious blood flow
from the cuts I have carved
permently into my skin
like a halloween pumpkin,
the only difference being
that the pumpkin was carved
with joy
while I was carved with pain.
 
If I was a pumpkin
I would be the one smashed
over and over by the teenagers,
but it was my father who smashed me
over and over,
deaf to my pleas and promises to be better.
 
Smashed my hopes and dreams
and aspirations
creating the bloody mess
laying in this porcelin tub,
he taught me not to cry
and how to hold in the pain until I can't,
but instead of hurting people
I hurt myself
and it feels
so
damn
good.
 
The numb pain that my father gave me
fade with every cut
and I lay here wishing
that I cut too deep and could
just slip away and die here,
anything has to be better than this.
 
I can't tell him
that he will never see me marry
a man
because I only like women
(and men only a bit)
and I can't tell him
that I'm being picked on for my scars
at school,
if only they could see the ones he
has carved into my heart.
 
If only my father knew
about his gay daughter
and would accept it,
but I know he won't and so I have
to continue this carving of my own
pumpkin skin.
 
I don't see why I live on,
maybe for my sisters or friends,
but I certanly don't want to be here
and he doesn't want me here either,
it is a wonder he helped bring me here
in the first place.
 
And as I slowly bandage my arm
and move my ring to my left hand
where I always put it after I've cut
because I've always done that,
I contemplate suicide
and decide that it isn't worth it
because someday I will be able
to escape this hell hole.
ยป

Comments

This piece will certainly

intrepid_heart's picture

This piece will certainly haunt me.

There is so much emotion behind it, it almost made me cry. It really really scared me. I saw the name of it under Recent Blogs and thought it would be something completely different.

I guess it's great that suicide is not the path you are taking, because (and don't think I'm some cliche goody-two-shoes therapist) there is always something to lose from it.

This piece was perfectly written to express your feelings and tells of these events well.

"And as always, innocent like roller coasters."

AT~

This is a beautifully written piece. I too thought this piece was going to be way different then it actually turned out to be.

I second Intrepid_heart.

Oh, man...

The Music Man's picture

I really hope this isn't actually happening to you right now.

*In lack of a better comment*

Sorry this is so late! :/

....

We need to talk girl. This is incredible, as all your pieces are, but this is too much. Hurting yourself won't make anything better, and even if you think it feels good it's all an illusion. I'm so glad you're so smart to know how stupid suicide would be!! Thank goodness for your common sense! Don't go anywhere missy because we're BFFLS! <3