Weightless
Weightless
By Blaise Gervais
Burlington High School, Grade 9
The drops slide down my body
Salt mingling with the pure, honest streams of life
They weave together sliding over the scars,
Of sorrow imprinted on my skin,
Washing away the blemishes
of guilt and regret.
As the water slithers
Like silvery snakes through my scalp
It tickles the nape of my neck
And makes my skin slither with it
Running down off my shoulders
A heavy weight is lifted
The tears of angst and rain of life
Are one now, releasing the toxins,
Replenishing me
Fertilizing the soil in my soul
That it might grow flowers, not weeds
I am no longer a desert
forsaken even by the prickly cacti
I am a garden in bloom
full to bursting with life,
Yet I,
am weightless.
Watered, but not watered down
You're working with a wonderful metaphor, Blaise, and a great take on the "Losing Weight" prompt. What I find most interesting is that you are not so much talking about being washed clean, but rather that you are being watered like a plant, so that the scars may still be there but they are being covered up by new growth.
Your writing is very good, and it is quite musical thanks to your use of sibilance (a type of alliteration characterized by the repetition of "s" sounds"), shown words like "slide," "salt," "streams" and "scars" in your first three lines. My main suggestion would be to examine your punctuation, which is a bit inconsistent. Sometimes you have complete sentences running through your lines; other times the syntax falls apart. Poetry can be liberal with regards to punctuation, but whatever approach you choose should remain the same throughout a given poem.
Nice work!