whenever i’m graced by a cautious or perhaps (sincerely) concerned throat asking, “are you okay?”, i generally don’t feel inclined to supply much of a response. yes, i’m okay. i’m bothered only, usually, by the smallest and paintbrush-fleeting bits of happenings that sound whiny or petty when i give them breath or real words. or i’m just slight of melancholy and tired and wishing i would get a phone call or a text. i mean, that sort of range of emotion. this entire year was the strangest thing in the world for me. the fact that i essentially spent every free moment at uvm: the fact that i feel as though i attended uvm this year (minus the academics) probably didn’t help. i was partaking in the most not-real, flicker-wrist life, driving to burlington every afternoon and every weekend. countless parking citations. bus rides to battery park. frozen walks across trinity. it was all such a coating, such an outer-layer, raincoat nonsense to avoid the tragic castle life i deemed so monotonous, so beneath me.
i wanted to mess it all up. i wanted a hard-hitting story to tell. i came up short-handed, for the most part. st. albans to burlington, a 30-minute trek that i could make with my eyes and ears and heart shut entirely. it's nothing but memory of motion. a nostalgia for the nights i evaded my house and my home, elusive adolescent trudging up flights of stairs, crashing on a bed, not saying a word until asked, "are you okay?" i nodded, most often. i nodded or shrugged and waited for them to urge me to speak, to encourage me to vent and explain and feel better. "i want you to be okay."
admittedly, it was frequently because of these terrifically insignificant events. admittedly, i wasn't getting nearly enough sleep. ever. not one single night. this summer has been therapeutic if only for the fact that i am sleeping so goddamn much. it's all very worn-out. the whole concept. the whole concept of "we should escape." the poetry in tragedy and whatnot. i mean i adore it all, i really do, but i've just had a year of it. it'll be interesting, at the very least, to compare and contrast whatever comes next. i plan to take notes. i plan to rest a little more. i plan to keep in touch.