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Here is the mutiny I promised you. (work in progress)
This one is really struggling. I would appreciate any help that anyone has to offer.
I wasn't angry with you for turning 21. You cannot get angry with someone for something as trivial as aging just like you can't get angry with someone for something as trivial as a broken espresso machine.
Still you yelled and still I yelled until the house that we would never share was filled with words that neither of us wanted to say and we didn't go to sleep angry because one of the things we always had in common was that neither of us could sleep when we were angry. Instead of sleeping was sat in the living room. Opposite sides of the singular couch that was placed in the middle of the floor as we let the news spill out onto the floor in front of us.
We probably should have been thinking about the news. Thinking about the hurrican victims, poverty, people with cancer, people without health insurance, but another thing that we always had in common was that we were really bad about thinking of people and things other than ourselves and what was happening right here and right now.
Some would call this way of thinking an asset. We're always appreciating what's going on, we're never wishing for what could've happened and we're never yearning for what might happen. Some would call this way of thinking a curse. When something bad is happening, something really bad is happening and you are trapped in that moment. There's no escaping that moment because your mind won't let you wander. Your mind won't let you go to your cave or your meadow or wherever normal people go when they feel as though their heads are going to explode. You're stuck with the moment and you're stuck in your head.
Looking back I think that our problem was that we were both stuck in our own heads and not enough in each others. Staying up late at night and talking and talking and talking and we would never get anywhere we would always just be on the surface and I was so upset with you, so upset that you wouldn't let us get there that you kept closing me out and all this time I never realized that I was just as guilty as you.
(work in progress)
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Progress
What kind of work in progress is this? Are you going to make it longer, or are you just aiming for revisions. I'd be curious to see how you might extend this. Will there be a whole story, or will you leave much for the readers' imaginations?
If "I" wasn't angry at "you" for turning 21, what was "I" angry about? Was it even something "you" did? I see that, in the last paragraph, it seemed that neither character really knew much about the other; they shut each other out. Why? What were their insecurities?
Did the two ever calm down that night, after being angry? Or did they spend all night at opposite ends of the couch with the TV on?
Is the espresso machine significant in any way?
This is quite sad--will there be anything happy in it? :P
~FL
From your fellow writer
YWP Intern
Fey--
Mostly revisions. I'm not very into long things although I guess I could be open to expansion at some point.
While I don't think I will answer your questions here (I'll revise and see if I can work them in :), on the happiness bit: maybe in some sort of flashback or something, but not in the present, I don't think. I'm on a bit of a sad kick, right now.
Thank you so much for your comments!
____________________
-Qwerty