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Please read, need advice

fluffykittyninja's picture

I completey edited this and changed the perspective of it. Tell me what you think! Thank you! :D 

 

 

 

She runs, but I’m faster. The vibe she gets is bad. She turns her head back over her shoulder, and she can hear that I’m gaining on her. She tried to scream, but nothing comes out. It's like the sound is caught in her jungle like vocal chords with no intention of ever reaching the outside world. She tries again, but right when the first bit of sound reaches her lips my cold clammy hand clamps it shut. She jumps. 

"Don't try," I whisper in her ear. My voice is hoarse, rough, and manly. I’m behind her she can feel it. "Let's walk," I tell her, "but if you stop walking, or glance over your shoulder I won't be happy, and I promise you will not be either." 

I let go. She does not run nor panic, but she thinks about whom or what I am. She does not say a word.

"Turn left," I occasionally say. Or "turn right." 

She would always do what I told her to, hoping there was nothing she could run into or trip over that would show me her weakness. She walks slowly, but I never say anything about it as long as she was still walking. I can tell what her secret is. She must really know her way around.

"We're here," I spoke, "close your eyes." She does what I say, even if it doesn't make a difference. She waits for me to grab her. 

She jumps, even though she expected it. My hands were so cold that they were piercing. She followed where I push her. I’m still behind her, hand over her mouth. Ever so often she can feel my frigid breath on her neck, giving her chills up and down her spine. 

Suddenly I push through the door to her new room. She doesn’t feel me touching her anymore, but she knows I’m still in the same room with her. She can feel it. She hears a creak of the metal door, and then it slams shut. She moves her hands along the cement ground. It's rough. She finds her way to the corner, all the time with her eyes closed. She didn't dare give away her secret. She sits there. I chuckle quietly.

She hears my footsteps come closer to her. She can tell I’m walking on my toes. She freezes. Her eyes were still closed. "Hello," I say to her, "do you like your new living quarters? They are the fanciest in the house," She can tell I’m wandering off subject by the way my voice is rattling. She can hear the smile in my words. 

She doesn’t say a thing, and I notice. 

"My dear, you have not said a word all this time. Is there something I have mistaken?" 

She opens her eyes finally, and looks in the direction of which the voice was reaching her from, but not at me. "No," she says quietly. She hadn't used her voice for so long that it cracked, she cleared my throat, and “how long will I be in here?" 

"Not long," I pause, "that I promise," I say with a laugh. I start to walk out; she can hear the metal door screech. I turn around, "Emma, I know," is the last thing I chuckle before I leave.

She sits against the stone cold cement corner and invents my face out of nothing, pale white skin, dark black hair with brown eyes that droop down. 

She closes her eyes. It doesn't make a difference. She still can't see my face. 

Then it hits her, what I said. Emma, I know.

I look through the bars in the metal door at her one last time. I lock the pad lock and walk away. Leaving her sitting there alone, in the corner, cold and confused.

I walk to Sergio. He is sitting in his usual place. The painted red walls, the pure white carpet, clear of all stains, and the black curtains that droop over the large majestic windows. He is sitting in the big chair that sits upon the elevated floor across the room from where I am. I start to walk.

“Do not say it,” he gets up, turns around and looks at me, “do not say what you are thinking.” He begins to walk toward me.

“But Sergio, we could become rulers, rulers of everything. Just think about this, please.”

“No. The people here, the humans that we have in this horrible place is torture, we cannot keep them here forever for our races needs.” Sergio begins to walk toward me.

“Sergio, listen to me. Listen to my every word.” I walk close to him.

“Say it.”

“Listen to my words and close your eyes…” 

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Fey Lady's picture

So many questions!

I do not feel a climax so much as just rising action.  There is suspense here, and you certainly leave your readers questioning!  Who or what is the Thing?  Is it human?  Is it only a Thing because the main character can't see it?  What is its interest in the main character?  Why is it bad if she is blind?  What will happen to her if the Thing finds out?

Are there other people around when the Thing approaches her?  Where is she?  Has she been wandering alone?  How does she get around if she's blind?  Does she have a cane?  A seeing-eye dog?  Or does she just know her way around really well?

What is meant by the last line, "Black out"?

Be careful of where you change tenses in your story.  Are you intentionally switching between past and present tense?  I think you should stick with only one; the suspense will build better without that distraction.

 

I hope this helps!

~FL

From your fellow writer

YWP Intern

fluffykittyninja's picture

Yeah!

Yes, thank you so much. I knew I needed things to change, I really knew about the past tense and present tense, thank you so much for these ideas and such! 

 

Again, thanks :D