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Helen of Troy

Ophelia's picture
Submitted by Ophelia on Sat, 10/15/2011 - 10:04pm

So you'd rather

have her than me

Don't expect me to cry

I don't show it, you see.

Fine. Your loss

I know who I am.

I'm better than she is

Popularity's a scam. 

 

You, you take your 

Helen of Troy.

Fool of a boy 

go start a war

over nothing but beauty,

beauty will fade

and then you'll regret 

the choice that you made.

  • 978 of 1957

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booklover's picture

This is nice. I just had to

Submitted by booklover on Sun, 10/16/2011 - 12:46pm.

This is nice. I just had to comment on how much I loved the lines "Helen of Troy./Fool of a boy." They're stuck in my head now. I'm sorry for the lack of criticism.

Titania's picture

Ophelia~

Submitted by Titania on Sun, 10/16/2011 - 4:56pm.

Another great, emotion-packed poem. I really liked the "Helen of Troy/Fool of a boy" part as well: the reference adds more than just a description ever could.

     The main thing I have to say is that, for reasons of flow, you might want to put the periods or commas in at the ends of the sentences so that we make a long enough pause--in places like "Fine. Your loss/I know who I am" the line break didn't really seperate it enough. But that's also a personal choice, so see what you think.

     The other thing I wanted to say was just the addition of a couple words near the end: "for beauty will fade/and then you'll regret/the choice that you made" I don't know why that sounds smoother to me, but it does.

 

Anyway, keep up the good work!

 

~Tania

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all. ~Oscar Wilde