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This is anywhere.
One could call my mind muffled,
disintigration of false definitions of having fallen in love,
you disipated harsh words causing spoil to my heart,
filled me up from the bottom of my tongue
to the sweat soaked t-shirt drowned so sweetly
drapped like fresh laudry,
dried waterfalls
eclipsing my horizon for far too long,
burnt down from my eyes like the salt from the sea we sipped on that blazing night,
I dragged you to the floor,
bared no clothes just a mix of mixtapes,
i've never felt so
abrim,
full with coils of
your overgrown hair,
you're my definition.
The only medicine my sobriety can take,
the last
remedy for my spoiled fate.
Feeling like i'm twelve again,
fearfully grasping your
solice,
I have gifts for you,
the ones I thought had been meant for them.
For you my dear,
like the salt our bodies achingly drained,
that loud night on the dancefloor,
I hoard blank pages for you,
i've never felt so
abrim,
full with coils of
your overgrown hair,
you're my definition
Tourniquate my past,
tied it off,
loves the last drug i'm willing to touch.
[Put the needle
to the record,
i'm having this dance.
I want to fill you abrim,
be a definition,
yours one hundred percent.]
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This is nice!
Your word choice is excellent, and your line breaks very well placed. I love the emotion.
One eensy suggestion— and this is probably because I'm a minimalist at heart and don't like too much punctuation in poems— but I think you don't need quite so many commas. You have one after almost every line break, but a line break itself means the kind of pause I think you're looking for. If you save a comma for more special occasions, as it were, it will have much more power.
This is my favorite bit:
i've never felt so
abrim,
full with coils of
your overgrown hair,
you're my definition.
Keep writing!
-LN
I'm not trying to ruin anybody's life. Sometimes I'm just really, really bad at doing people favors.
SupressMe-
This was beautiful. I loved it! There was so much raw emotion coming from the lines. The language was incredible too. There were only a few spelling mistakes here and there, but that's it. Great job
~.indian.at.heart. ♥
I have missed your writing so
I have missed your writing so much. You have so much talent. It's been so long since I've read your writing and you keep getting better. I really loved this.
Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box. -Italian Proverb