You ask me

i tell you, take her.
and good luck, too—
i tell you i won’t mind and i try to figure out if it’s true
i’ve always had that sort of addiction to giving
to you

i tell you, don’t be afraid of me, and it’s the most heartfelt thing i say all that night.
i sit on the bathroom floor. i watch time and i think my heart is beating
me for giving up.

there are things we don’t talk about.
i know there are taboos, things like
sex, and salary, and psychopathic relatives, but i’ve never had much of a sense of
embarrassment.
i look at you and i’m not ashamed.
you look at me and there are things that you won’t say.

see, after you have my blessing
i wait a few moments to see if i’ll regret anything i’ve just done but
i’m starting to realize that you’re starting to understand that i’m your ally.
hell, i want to take the two of you
and put her hand in yours and tell you both it’s okay. i
don’t know whether that’s just so you’ll see that it’s me being gracious, but i know that i do.
i’ve always had that sort of gruff tolerance
for you.

there are things we don’t take.
i know there are lines, things like
life, and money, and rights, and virginity, but
the way i love, i would have given them all to you if you’d have asked.

and the way you love, see, that’s why i worry.
i worry that the next girl, be it me almost-sister friend or the girl from the art camp or some
new babe on the street, see,
i worry because they might not understand the way you love.
you loved like i do. everything.
i want to find you someone perfect. i want to reach up into the stratosphere of chance
and pull out someone who loves like that
and can keep you busy.

but there are things we don’t do.
i know there are laws. rules like
don’t ask, don’t tell, and bros before hoes, and i,
i won’t mind if you break them now.

i sit on the bathroom floor and the tiles are like stars and the
slightly flickering, mothy electric light is like the sea. i see
other whole worlds open to me.
i read of Vishnu’s net, and how in its infinity each gem in each knot
reflects every other gem and everything is in everything. i
see you reflecting me into the
faucets and i see her reflected in you and i see you
coming on too strong.
i want to help you.
i’ve always imagined that that was the better thing
to do.

i reflect myself into a ball of self-wonder and i
think
i’m finally officially giving up on you and i
believe
that i really don’t mind  and i
think
you’ll trust me now and i even
hope
that you and she work out.
i reflect myself into camaraderie and i think the facets of our fates are still
compatible but i
angle mine away just a little bit and reconcile my self
reflection.

i called you one in a million
but that means that there are seven thousand people just like you.
& i intend to find them.