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mantra of the clinically righteous

River's picture
Submitted by River on Sat, 01/28/2012 - 5:09pm

 

the things that cross your eyelids [when you shut 'em

tight an' squeeze 'em hard] i used to think were little

signposts, lil' scrap notes from God.

when i was seven years old, i prayed near every night.

eventually it took too much time and i wasn't seeing no difference, so i only

prayed at

Christmas.

these days and more'n half my life later, i laugh in God's face & i laugh at karma too, because i know

i ain't done no wrong.

 

mama they took

my ponderosity an' they put it in a safe with locks an' all.

daddy logic ain't enough

for all the traps.

you can't dodge everything by bein' smart, or fast.

i was hopin' if i did everything i was told

everything would go alright.

now they closin' in.

now it's a big gorram mess.

i ain't done no wrong.

 

honey you

went off and gave me another an' now there are more

things than i should rightfully have to choose from.

everybody's so gorram mad an' here i am in the middle of it all,

where i never wanted to be.

honey, maybe you have regrets, now, but i never hurt you.

mama, daddy, i never hurt you.

i ain't hurt nobody.

i ain't done no wrong.

 

the spring and the winter, now, they make war when they should be makin' love.

the water an' the ice, the salt all odd colors stingin' all our feet.

the road is a river, the road is a river

fishes come to play at my doorstep an' i watch 'em quiver and starve for air.

half the yelling in this house seems to be about me.

i don't pray no more. i read Stephen Hawking's lectures and watch Nova shows.

i don't pray no more. i laugh at karma.

 

i ain't done

nothing wrong.

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Hey Ninja, This is a really

Submitted by AnnikaN on Mon, 02/20/2012 - 10:15pm.

Hey Ninja,

This is a really intriguing poem - I've been trying to respond to it for a while and don't quite know where to start, so forgive my bullet points...

  • Your use of dialect was the first thing that stuck out to me. It's definitely an attention-grabber, and the way it evokes the rural south seems appropriate when you talk about loss of religion. It's a unique touch that few writers use to this kind of effect - nice job.
  • The position of the speaker seems a little confused. For instance - how old is s/he? Recalling a memory from age seven as significant, addressing 'mama' and 'daddy', and the repeated insistance that 'i ain't done nothin' wrong' sound young, like the speaker is in her/his mid-to-late teens. Addressing the reader as 'honey', on the other hand, and the condenscending tone in statements like 'honey, maybe you have regrets now, but i never hurt you' sound much older. Also, the use of a word like 'ponderosity' in conjunction with the dialect evoke a much lower level of education than references to Stephen Hawking and Nova. Those little areas of dissonance can be confusing.
  • What's the position of the reader? The various 'you's in the poem seem sometimes directed at characters within it (both named and unmentioned) and at the reader. You don't necessarily have to answer this question - it's a stylistic choice. Personally, I like the ambiguity - I think it helps draw the reader into the emotional intensity of the piece by positioning them as complicit in some way. 
  • You touch on an idea in the second stanza that you might consider following through on. 'you can't dodge everythin' by bein' smart or fast' and 'now they closin' in' suggest that the speaker is in danger or is being pursued some how - what is that danger? It seems like part of what propells the speaker down his/her path, so to speak, so it's something worth exploring.

Overall, fantastic job with this. Keep writing!

River's picture

Annika...

Submitted by River on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 12:10pm.

Wow! I love getting comments like this. I don't know if it's for fear of offending, but a lot of people these days (sadly) can't seem to post a lot of feedback. It's really a very precious thing to know that people are really thinking about your stuff, and how it could be better. :)

The age thing I definitely notice. The poem is more or less from my perspective or someone similar (so I myself use the word "ponderosity" and read Stephen Hawking), but I feel like the piece is displaying a kind of vulnerability, an older girl with a "honey" and an interest in astrophysics reverting to a childhood dialect and turning to "mama and daddy" for help. It's all very... lost. I should probably put some indicator in there, though.

I will definitely take all of this into account. Thanks a ton for taking the time!

-LN

I'm not trying to ruin anybody's life. Sometimes I'm just really, really bad at doing people favors.