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poym

cgmion1's picture
Submitted by cgmion1 on Tue, 01/31/2012 - 9:32pm

Prism snakes or smolder sky
Oxen bones and burials alive
Fragile fringe on long limbs
Crocodile boots among anaconda handbags
And the fox furs with pashmina hand gloves.
Sick sick bodies of chandelier smoke
Grit grit fits that end my days
Star eater, dream pillar,
Taught me how to see through the haze.

 

 

feeeedback :U

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River's picture

cgmion1...

Submitted by River on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 2:57pm.

I love your word choice here. It creates some really rich imagery and a variety of moods. The rhymes are also beautifully subtle and artistically displaced.

If you were to revise this, I might suggest giving the poem a little more structure. Maybe some context that makes all these wonderful phrases fit together more. I think that might give it a stronger meaning or feeling.

All the same, this is lovely. It's got a lot of potential and so have you. :)

-Ln

I'm not trying to ruin anybody's life. Sometimes I'm just really, really bad at doing people favors.

cgmion1's picture

i get what you're saying

Submitted by cgmion1 on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 10:46pm.

i get what you're saying about context and structure. the idea of this and some of my other peices is to capture my thoughts in their... i guess purest form, which don't always make sense. a lot of the time i use poetry as "intellectual shorthand", as my teacher put it haha.

 

thank you though, glad to hear you like it!!