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castles

McWriter's picture
Submitted by McWriter on Thu, 03/08/2012 - 9:47pm

 

i used to be a builder.

i used to be
a builder
& i used
to construct
mighty walls & towers
& people came from all around
to admire
my creations.

                                                     i used to be serious.

                                                     i
                                                     used to be serious
                                                     & i used to
                                                     take myself seriously &
                                                     it drove me
                                                     to tears
                                                     so i simply
                                                     stopped.

i used to know words.

i used
to know
words & how to
use them
& i used to
taste them
hiding
just beneath
the skin &
dancing over bruised lips.

                                                     i used to see people.

                                                     i used to
                                                     see people
                                                    & hear their stories
                                                     first hand
                                                     in the voices i
                                                     made for them
                                                     in my head & feel
                                                     the devastating anguish
                                                     they couldn't quite
                                                     hide
                                                     behind easy smiles &
                                                     delicious activity.

i used to be a builder.

i used to be
a builder
& i used to form
chambers & turrets
from the smallest stones
i could find.

                                                     (i used to start too quickly.

                                                     i always started
                                                     too quickly
                                                     so
                                                     the tides washed me away
                                                     before
                                                     i could learn
                                                     to enjoy it.)

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imperfect's picture

i love this. very creative

Submitted by imperfect on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 8:48am.

i love this. very creative and beautiful

Archibald the Prophet's picture

I like it!

Submitted by Archibald the P... on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 10:18am.

I love the interesting way you formatted it. I thnk that adds a little bit of creativity to the whole thing. I also liked the message I got from the piece. I definateley love seeing stuff like this.

McWriter's picture

imperfect et M2L..

Submitted by McWriter on Sat, 03/10/2012 - 12:56am.

Thank you both very kindly. Your responses are much appreciated.

Ta.

This piece certainly appeals

Submitted by CalebD on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 3:47pm.

This piece certainly appeals to the eyes more then that however it begs the reader to keep on reading. By starting every verse with something you used to do I just feel, not obligated, but excited to find out if there is something you still do. Or at least a conclusion and you certainly provide that in the final verse.

Now for a bit of boring history, in the 16th century metaphysical poets created the form of a emblem poem. This is essentially using the structure to help portray your message. Now for this, maybe creating a poem that looks like a castle will be difficult but that isn't exactly the message. I think you already have the general idea of this down but consider shifting the structure a bit so that it really feeds into the message of your poem. What I am thinking is making this sort of into a puzzle of verse that can be put together or "built" into something.

 

Keep it up! and let me know what you think,

CalebD, UVM writing center