Things That Could Probably Be Good Jokes If a Little More Thought Was Put Into Them:
--- I am severely allergic to peanuts, but only if I ingest them. Same way I am with dogs.
--- My cat Taco doesn't taste as good as he sounds.
--- Lately I've been using this new chapstick. It's called, uh, Elmer's Glue.
--- I wouldn't want to rule the world. Maybe the phone company, not the world.
Things I Do When I Have Too Much Sugar:
--- Hang live cheetahs by their tails to the branches of my neighbor's maple tree.
--- Give real depression medication to depressed people and say they're placebos.
--- Pretend that red lights are green lights just for fun.
--- Have more sugar.
--- Say really dirty things to people on the street using mental telepathy.
--- Throw rocks at seagulls.
--- Throw seagulls at rocks.
Observations and Spectulations:
--- Why do people make "kick me" signs? You have to go through the trouble of sneaking it onto your target's back. I just walk up really close to the guy with a sign on my back that says "kick the guy standing right next to me."
--- I heard a guy on the bus say, "Man, I'm really good at checkers." Which is the same as saying, "Man, I'm not good at a lot of things."
Awesome Jokes by Awesome People:
--- Every fight is a food fight if you're a cannibal.
--- When I was a kid I had a quicksand box. I was an only child. Eventually...
--- A refridgerator is the opposite of a drug addict. Because a refridgerator starts in a cardboard box and moves to a house.
--- When I was younger, I read through the whole dictionary because I thought it was a poem about everything.
--- My watch is three hours slow and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to California.
Things I don't Want My Doctor To Say:
--- Nice knowin' ya.'
--- Lemme try something out...
--- Oh, crap. You haven't take those pills yet, have you?
--- My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
--- I like blood.
--- At least you have the other kidney.
--- Wait, you think I'm a doctor?
--- I know you think you're a boy...
--- You're just going to feel a slight pinch. Followed by the most excruciating pain you will ever endure as a human being.
--- You have two minutes to live. Pay before you leave.
this is not finished