This Shell
Submitted by ajones on January 10, 2008 - 12:23.
This shell,
This beautiful shell.
Once a home,
Now just a mark of beauty.
Spiraling downward
Getting smaller,
And smaller.
The dark, copper color becomes lighter and lighter
Until it turns a creamy white.
The surface is rough and hard, like the ocean.
Indestructible
If I listen carefully
I can hear the waves,
Splashing and tumbling,
Carelessly and freely,
Like the ocean,
With no limit.
But that is just a memory now.
It is longing for the ocean.
Longing to feel the cool, soothing water again,
Like before…
Before the human came, and picked it up, admiring
This shell,
This beautiful shell.
from ken
hey this is good
UVM Mentor Comment
Hey Audrey,
One of the first poems I ever wrote, when I was about seven years old, was about sea shells; needless to say, yours is a lot better, but shells really are a great topic for poetry. The timeless spirals, listening for the waves...you do a really great job of capturing their intriguing magic. I also really like the short, descriptive lines - they correspond well to the simple complexity of the shells.
If I were you, I'd try to keep the lines short throughout the poem: for example, you could give the "like the ocean" after "rough and hard" its own line - that way, it would mirror the "Like the ocean" further down the poem. If you want, try this with some other lines, making sure, like you have here, to end each line with a strong word. Also, you might want to experiment with cutting the first two lines: while I like the mirroring effect with the end of the poem, I don't know if it's necessary, with the title. Also, "Once a home" is a pretty great line - I think it deserves to be first.
Thanks for submitting - now I can't wait to go to the beach!
Suzanne