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You Watch
You watch.
You watch the power,
The coordination.
You watch with exhilaration,
And disbelief,
Because you've never seen anything like this before,
The sheer amount,
And the sheer grace,
And you wonder,
Why we aren't like this,
We, the humans,
Always have a need for power,
Can't bear the idea,
of someone else being right,
Just for once,
You'd like for humans to move,
With the same honor,
And poise.
You'd love for everyone,
to see what you're seeing right now.
And understand,
What you just have
very good Mugdha but some of
very good Mugdha but some of the lines are supposed to be together because each line is a pause from the other..... keep writing
ex. you'd love
for everyone,
to see what your seeing right now
___ should be:
you'd love for everyone to see what your seeing right now_____
OR ELSE it would be interpreted as:
you'd love........ for everyone...... to see what your seeing right now........
Thanks a bunch! I'm new to
Thanks a bunch! I'm new to poetry, so I really appreciate any constructive criticism. :)
:)
Hi!
Nice job!! I see from your response above that you're "new to poetry"! Welcome!! ;) We're happy to have you!
I like the abstractness of this poem, and I love the sense of admiration and disbelief that you build throughout the poem. You diction (word choice) lends itself to a great sense of amazement... nice use of the word "exhilaration" in the first part of the poem. For me this poem gives not only the sense of being impressed but also some sort of desire in the background - wanting so badly for humans to "move with the same honor and poise". I really like the feeling it gives me.
I was a little confused about what you're talking about, though. While I like the abstractness of the poem, it's a little vague; are you talking about athletes? Animals? What are you looking at or thinking about that's caused you to have such disbelief and exhilaration while watching? Maybe a little clue could direct the poem a bit more.
I also wouldn't be afraid of using other kinds of punctuation other than commas. Commas are definitely a friendly thing to poets, and they can communicate the exact kind of pause we want sometimes. But definitely use all the skills and knowledge you have when it comes to English, including periods, colons, semicolons, dashes, and so forth. This might make your poem a little more concrete, too.
Again, great job.. Can't wait to see more poetry from you!!!
Keep writing :)
Bronwen
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the helpful pointers! It's very good to knowl; for this poem and for any others I will write. I really appreciate the advice. :)