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A Love Plea
Let’s steal away to far-off places,
unknown ground, unfamiliar faces.
It would be nice to get away and see the sun in untouched lands.
It’s not so hard to disappear,
pretend that we were never here,
forget the people, places, things and walk until we find the end.
Then, you might just hold my hand
and look to where the colors blend.
You grab a boat, I’ll steal a paddle,
and though our empty pockets rattle,
we’ll need no currency but love where love lies ‘twixt the sea and shore.
Toss a penny, flip it double,
whisper to it faith or trouble,
cutting doubt in half and leaving choice to shoes and undarned socks.
If, at last, we’re wanting more
we’ll sail to every farthest dock.
Then, the night; if luck is gentle,
we’ll find places we were meant to
and stop our silly sailing ‘round and ‘round the salty vice.
Set our feet in sand or jungle,
leave old memories in a bundle,
walk away and never turn around to wave a last goodbye.
Take my hand and trust me twice
or leave me here alone to die.
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I really love these rhymes.
I really love these rhymes. They give the a rhythm just when the words are getting a little too soft; it's like a drum beat behind the poem. I really love this. Imma bookmark it for later reference when I need some peace in my mind ("Bookmark"? Is that a verb?).
Thank you so much!
...and yes, I think bookmark should absolutely be a verb. Haha :)
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"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”
Epic
EPIC
Haha :D
Thanks!
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"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”
this is beautiful. :)
this is beautiful. :)
Thanks! :)
Thanks! :)
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"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”
Great Poem
I really enjoyed reading this. I think you've got great ideas and weave them together to tell a "story" that follows an emotion, rather than a plot. That's really awesome. I would make a few minor style adjustments, such as removing "twixt," which doesn't fit the rest of the verse well, as well as reworking the meter of the second two verses. The beat is off and as a result, the poem feels like it choppier than the story is. For example, try Iambic Pentameter, a writing standard for poetry: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iambic_pentameter). There's a reason that it was and is used by so many greats! It could really raise your writing to the next level. However as with this work, I would be sure to write it as you envision it in your mind before addressing the meter. You can lose sight of your vision if you get caught up in the technical details before your ideas are all on "paper" (or in this case on the web). Overall I really enjoyed it and really encourage you to keep writing!
Skidooshe-
First off, thank you! :)
Yeah, I don't really like to use words like "'twixt" unless I'm trying to write humorously, but I kept wanting to put it there... I have no idea why.
I'm not quite sure I understand where the rhythm is off. But then again, maybe you're reading it differently in your mind than I am in mine. Would you mind pointing out where it is off so I can take a look at it and maybe try some revision?
Thank you so much for your feedback! :)
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"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”