Re: Scratching

I caught myself today holding a broken-off hairclip.

I found myself staring down at a reddened

wrist and wondering why the hell I keep

doing this to myself.

I rubbed the back of my neck and

winced because the skin was scratched red.

I thought it was finished.

I thought that I could stop

wearing long sleeves perpetually, stop

wearing my hair down, stop

praying that you wouldn't notice the way I

flinched when anything touched me.

I caught myself today leaving raised marks on the

inside of my left

wrist.

I didn't even realize it.

It became such a habit--sit, read, scratch

sit, read, scratch

that now, if I happen to be

sitting on the floor at the foot of my

bed, my fingers instinctively find that broken-

off hairclip,

my right hand abuses,

as if disconnected from my brain,

the inside of that left wrist

[really mine? I can't feel the pain until

after],

the back of my neck,

and now I'm back to the long

sleeves and loose

hair and terror and

darling, help me.

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