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Half-Perfect Intangibility
So, to clarify: I am going to submit this, I think, to the Write Action contest. Any feedback and editing stuff would be absolutely fantastic. Thanks, y'all!
Also, this is a combination of "because you are/not" and "& i am".
& i am trying to capture that
in/de/fin/a/ble
rhythm that surrounds your
airspace in words, but iambic
pentameter is somehow too
rigid because you, my dear,
are not
half-right
friday-night
hookups and you haven't got that
maybe-never
heartstring-severing glance,
& i am searching for the words to describe the
cool-blue-
forest-green-
neither-here-nor-
there colour of your sea-
glass eyes, but somehow i can't
decide how to explain
infinity wrapped around
black, and
i can see the half-rhymes
floating behind your
retinas and i can't help but
wonder if i look like poetry to
you
& i am still waiting for the
song that tells you that i
love you, but the notes are always just a
breath out of reach and my lungs are
opening into my
gut and i can't hold the
air anymore, because you are not
flame or
fire or
blame or
desire; you are just that
one person who will always be
here.
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Well, you asked me to help edit.
"but iambic
pentameter" there needs to be something else here. Maybe an?
Capitalize single I's/
Title suggestions: I can't think of any title suggestions.
Dang it, that's all I have...
I have a few notes
I have a few notes --
"iambic pentameter" is fine without "an" or anything else with it because you're speaking of it as a style.
The "cool-blue" and "forest-green" have me a little tripped up because you break the line after "cool" and after "forest" even though each go with the one before it, leaving "blue" and "forest" in the same line. A little too distracting for me. I do, however, like the break of "sea-/ glass."
I'm not too into your word choice of "relate" in "somehow i can't/ decide how to relate..." I think a word like "explain" or "define" would be better, but it's your decision!
I want a line break right before "floating" because I like the way the line would sort of float down to the word itself. If you're cool with that, you could put "I can see the half-rhymes" all in one line and then "floating between your" in the next line.
I think you should have a stanza break between "wonder if i look like poetry to/ you" STANZA BREAK "& i am still waiting..."
You have to make a decision if you want all proper nouns capitalized or none at all. Right now you have some "i's" capitalized and others lower-case, and you have a random "Friday" capitalized as well. I think it would work well all in lowercase.
Last couple lines: you are just one person who CAN or WILL always be there? and THERE or HERE? Your choice.
Awesome piece! As for titles, I'm sooo bad with them... I have a few suggestions but they're not so awesome... "because you are", "infinity", "half-perfect intangibility" aaaaand that's all I have haha.
Good luck!
Thanks a million,
Thanks a million, folks.
Yeah, sorry about the "I" confusion; this is a splicing of two thingies and one thingy had capitolization and one thingy didn't; I'll go fix that.
Katy--about the stanza breaks: there are none in the rest of the poem; I feel like one random one would feel odd. Do you think I should put one before every ampersand, then, so the whole thing feels more like several ideas and less like a run-on sentence?
I love "Half-Perfect Intangibility"!
Again, thanks for finding my silly mistakes!
_ __ ___
How to be happy:
Drink water like an alcoholic and give seven hugs per day.
Yes yes I love the stanza
Yes yes I love the stanza breaks as you made them now! Awesome piece, really.
And you're welcome!
somebody,
I love this. Your word choices, the idea, the flow: it all works really well. Just throwing that out there. :)
-Taf