Once Upon a Time

I like it. I'm not exactly an expert on poetry or anything (most people on here are way better than I am) but... I guess that's just how a lot of my writing comes out (in poetry, I mean)? Does that make sense? But then again, some of my best pieces have been short stories.... Anyways, what I'm trying to say is... my judgement isn't exactly... well, the best you'll get, but I like this poem. Like you said: a little sappy, but really, that's how love is. I can't believe this is you first-ever poem! Mine was... something about snowflakes. Or maybe in 2nd grade, about a horse? See, it wasn't good enough to even remember. This is amazing for a first poem, and just an really good poem in general!

Your (second) poem put a big smile on my face. Hmmm... it might be.... a award-winner.... in, ummm... a few hundred thousand edits? Just kidding.

Also, of course, far from expert...or even particularly talented...but I read a lot and like to pretend I have interesting things to say, so bear with me.

I like your repeated use of color/light metaphors. Almost the entire narrative is built around them and the self=kingdom motif, and they're nice and relatable. (Everyone has some kind of feelings about colors.) It makes the "is there...I will" section very distinctly different—not neccessarily bad different, just especially significant-feeling.

Colors aren't always very concrete in their meaning, beyond red usally = angry and black usually = dark/evil/depression and blue sometimes = sad (or baby boy). This makes some of your metaphors a little fuzzy for me to figure out—I don't quite understand what you mean by your reference to blues and greens, or dull crimson (huh? isn't crimson a really bright, bloody red?). I have a more confident interpretation of the "kingdom" theme, something like "You have become very, very important to me, so much that my previous emotional situation (where I felt like the focus and ruler of my thoughts) has been 'dethroned' as if conquered by an invader, or abandoned in favor of something overwhelmingly different".

You wrote this in very blank verse, without a meter or rhyme scheme or even a stanza structure. That is, of course, a completely valid and legitimate form, but I personally feel like the flow and energy of the piece in a few places (maybe "is there/ Darkness") could be smoothed with a little more thought towards traditional meter and form. Even if your stylistic choices (which are all yours, and you shouldn't let any meddlesome kibitzer like me try to change them) tend towards free verse, your forays into poetry might be usefully informed by experiments with, say, sonnets or quatrains. 

Again, this is great! Keep it up, I hope to see more from you soon!

(my first poem was about the tree I loved to climb in. no, you can't read it. ever. well, maybe after I'm dead. maybe.)

Though nowhere near an expert on the subject, I just wanted to say that I really like the way you wrote this poem. The kingdom/fairy tale references are really really cool and I especially LOVE these lines:

"Is there a dragon to be slain?

Show me; I will slay it.

Is there a war to be waged?

Point me; I will wage it."

^ that bit there: it has really good repetition without being too much..? If you know what I'm talking about. Maybe not but oh well.

Anyways it's got a great feel to it and the only edits I would make is maybe working on fitting it into stanzas or fitting it with a rhythm. If its meant to be like it is with no finite pattern or form than that's fantastic, but personally I feel that it helps the flow and understanding if you have a "shape" so to speak. But anyways, that's just my preference; and I know some other great poems that are more like this, too. They sound great both ways! Focusing now...I love the way that the reader can tell that it has a deeper meaning too, allusions like "Life is color, and I am blind" or

"You are worth the darkness, the midnight.

Worth every bead of sweat, drop of blood, stray tear.

Worth it all, when I had you

Once upon a time."

I love these bits because it gives an insight into a more in depth complicity that is just so cool. For a first poem, this is fantastic! I don't even remember my first poem.... may have been something about my old house that didn't make any sense whatsoever haha. Great job!

you are an amazing writer and if you hadn't explained yourself, i probably would've thought you were a proffesional.