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Hold Please

Wild Child's picture
Submitted by Wild Child on Sat, 09/15/2012 - 10:10pm

 

Hold Please

 

Miles between us

I put my heart on

hold

but that’s hard to do

when you are the one

holding it

 

I fall for you over and over and

over

only to hold

back tears

blow kisses through

glass

as I drive away

 

Falling asleep

I try to convince myself

that the arms 

around me aren’t 

mine

 

I’m only touched by your

voice

through crackling 

connections 

as short as

high tide

as sweet as

your smile

as fragile as

me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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civilized's picture

WC

Submitted by civilized on Wed, 09/19/2012 - 3:49pm.

I really really like the construction of this piece. Really really, not even a comma in between. That's how much I like it.

 

One thing: I'm feeling like the last line would read better as "I" instead of "me". Something to think about?

 

-civ

Wild Child's picture

Thank you

Submitted by Wild Child on Sat, 09/22/2012 - 10:50am.

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm just starting to share my work, and I so appreciate any and all feedback. I've thought about changing the last line to I, but I feel like that would just leave it hanging. It want an "I am" if I change it, and I feel like that doesnt' flow as well. 

Wild Child